E V O L U T I O N

but the lows

they are so, so low

I am completely wrecked with anxiety right now. I don’t know how I managed to keep the feels at bay this past week, but the fear and stress are back with a vengeance as we officially hit the one week before match day mark. I’m so nervous, I don’t know where to bury the fear.

I wake up, overwhelmed by nausea, and on a loop in my mind is the thought “Why am I do doing this to myself, is it even worth it?”. The pit in my stomach grows, there is a growl. I yawn. Four hours of sleep. But you need to flip back. Stay awake, power through.

I try to peer through the lens of positivity. It is too difficult for me, I am struggling to find the good. I accept it. Its okay.. to just get through today.

My days completely turned upside down (literally) x 3 weeks. I feel my body aging, eroding slowly with the repetitive wear and tear of the physical (and psychological) limits I am pushed to in residency, changing on a weekly basis. 

I take a deep breath. Inhale. Big sigh. The trees, they look so pretty. Orange, crisp, back and forth in the breeze. For a second it looks unstable - but it is so deeply rooted in its foundation, returning to steadiness - unfazed. Hopefully that will be me... one day.

As I stumble along the path to healing, I know that feeling my feelings is going to be one of the only ways to achieving success. I hope to capture moments of this journey through writing what’s on my mind - imperfect, without structure, truth.

Here goes nothing.

Currently reading Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky (day 2 of reading).