Aspire to Inspire

Well, it was indeed a roller coaster ride. What a journey it has been haha. As I've watched videos on social media all day, one statement from a Starbucks Barista caught my attention. He said, he wrote rather on the cup "Negativity is a choice." Welp that might be an overstatement disregarding people who have mental disorders but without too much scrutinizing, actually it is. It is what I needed and that statement spoke to me on levels. I won't let all these painful experiences come to waste. I won't let these years of highs and extreme lows weigh to nothing. No! I will not choose to lurk in the dark and continue on thinking on what could have been or what did I do so wrong to deserve all of these. Rather, I will choose to look forward and move forward. Imma start living now, pursuing My Heavenly Father's purpose for my life. As someone said to me, "Do not wait for motivation just to start, begin now." Thus, I will begin dreaming again, loving myself, radiating happiness from within me and not depending on other people. I will be the change that I want and the love that I long for. Today, I forgive all of them who trespassed me and I hope they too will heal from the wounds I've caused them. I've really grown from all these mess and blessing that I've received and I'm forever grateful to my Abba Father for never leaving me even for just a second. Now, whatever path I may take, I will choose to follow Him and trust Him fully. For wherever may I be in the future, I know He is already there.

Plot twist alert: now that I'm free from uncertainties and I've got the clarity that I needed, now I'm back where I left. It's been two years now since I met the person who began all these mess hehe. And as the song goes, "after all this time, I'm still into you." Well maybe it's true that first love never dies hahaha. Still I am grateful to have experienced all of these adversities, if not, then I wouldn't be strong and mature. Now that I am free from all those adversaries, I'm back to square one. Maybe that's just how it is, that you'll always have a spot in my heart free of rent. And through the years, I wish you all the best and am still rooting for you sir.

Thought I was doing fine but really when things are uncertain, and trigger comes, you would just be knocked down. That happened this past week. I was knocked down again as I saw a trigger unexpectedly. It caught me off guard and I just can't compose myself. Almost everyday I cried and cried. It's too painful I can't take it. But still something good happened. I really enjoyed our night swimming with Team Hearts plus Team KF. Oh how my body hurt so bad for two days but I really enjoyed that and am looking forward to more gala with them. And in addition to that, even with very short time, I was able to finish my position paper in Anaphy and I think it is alright, not the best but I did what I can in that moment hihi. Then comes yesterday, yes I had the courage to confront that person who hurted me so bad and caused my panic attacks this past two months. I got the answer that I needed and its time to choose myself and move forward. It really sucks that that was just it for him. It disheartens me to listen to his side of the story and how he justified his actions until the end. But I do not hate him, but I wouldn't like him now either. Now as we celebrate Independence Day, may I truly be 'Malaya' from all this pain and attachment. May I truly find freedom from the shackles of the past, a love I once held so dearly but was indeed just a lesson passing by.

May we all come to our senses and see how the Lord has never left us. He was and is always with you. Waiting for you to turn back to Him and be truly home.

Yes 13 days, I was gone for 13 whole days haha entire two weeks. That time was spent on crying, anxiety attacks, sleeping, stress eating, meme-scrolling, procrastinating, hating, composing myself, asking why's, analyzing how's, understanding, coming to conclusion, and at last going back to the Lord. This past two weeks has been the hardest of all the weeks of moving forward. Anxiety attacks become more frequent and I felt my self plunging in isolation and despair once again just as what happened to me in 2020. However, now I know what to do and I asked the Lord to help me do what I need to do. Unlike in 2020, I learned and I have decided not to back down. That heartache will not get the best out of me. It was all too good to be true anyways. I decided to absolutely surrender it to the Lord as I start coming back to His Presence once again. Yep I admit, my daily devotions was inconsistent in April and more notably in May. But now, I want to spend the rest of the month not missing a single day. I now see its importance. I will obey the Lord and meditate on His words day and night. I will obey the Lord and seek first His Kingdom and spend time knowing him. For I know that the key for knowing who I am is knowing the GREAT I AM. Praise the Lord for His mercies never ends. And as I've decided and promised on my 20th Birthday, I'm done wasting and living my life just for my own and I will now live for Jesus Christ alone. For He is the only one who loved me with His extravagant, incomprehensible, unthinkable, and all-embracing love. The path was horrendous but at last, now I know I am home in the arms of my Abba Father.

- Prepare The Way (Eleventh Hour Worship)

Trust in the Lord. Know that He has allowed these things to break you so that He will be the one to cultivate you and bear fruit. Stand firm, I may not know the severity of your pain but He does. Jesus Christ's body was broken for us so that we can all live as sons and daughters of God.

Now, is the start of a new journey. As I've talked to God and obeyed what He told me, I know He will start working to renew me. I am just so grateful because truly the Lord is my only constant. He truly never leaves me nor forsakes me. In this bum of a heartbreak, he let me experience it once again for me to learn my lesson. I know I am learning my lesson and today marks the end of longingness. I decided to really let go and move on with my life. There is so much to life than the people we hold so dearly. Just because things didn't go the way I longed for it to be does not mean I'll stop living already. Now in this journey of life, I will become a doctor. A doctor who will be an instrument of God to save lives. A doctor with compassion following the Lord Jesus Christ. I don't know if I can, but I know my Lord started this dream and He will see through it. To God be all the Glory, Honor, and Praises Forever and Ever Amen.

As I start living as a student should be again, I faced challenges that needed courage. The courage to continue even in the midst of uncertainties. The courage to start something from scratch that requires defying the norms. The courage to accept what has happened and continue to move forward. I thank the Lord because He is the one with me every step of the way. I know He is working in me and is molding me to be courageous every single day.

Wow, this journey has really been hard but it is so rewarding to be finally liberated and have to start anew. I just realized, it was April 5th when my heart cracked and pain started consuming me. But then again, last May 5th after pouring everything out to the Lord for the hundredth time, I was liberated. I fellowshiped with the Holy Spirit and I felt that He worked in me. I felt that great release and my heart was revived. It's been two days and I don't feel the pain anymore. The Lord has enlightened me on what really happened and I understood and accepted the truth. Now, it does not feel heavy anymore. I am no longer attached and I went out of that prison cell. Now, I felt living again with meaning. I am not dependent on any person to be happy because the Lord has given me a cheerful heart. Haha I just took the personality strength test earlier and guess what, my greatest strength is Humor hahaha. Well it is on point hahaha. I love a good laugh that I even have hundreds of inside jokes with myself hahaha. Really, this is living now, freed, reedemed, liberated, and beloved in His perfect Love.

Now, I receive freedom. Today is the day of my liberation from the shackles of the past. The Lord has freed me from giving myself too much to other people. From caring too much irrationally where I destroy myself in the process of helping others. Now, the Lord is imparting me that I deserve the best and that I should not settle for less. Contradicting words? Not putting much thought if I was hurt? Not considering what I've felt? Going in and out of my life with ease? Going to me just because I'm needed? No, enough of that, I'll stop giving myself too much. I'll stop giving my pieces away. I won't step at boundaries anymore so that they won't as well. I wouldn't let myself be enclosed in their bubble anymore. I am already freed and redeemed by my Lord and Savior. And my identity rests in Christ alone. With that, I say goodbye, I'm done being hurt and unconsciously used as a band aid. Now, I will invest in obeying my Heavenly Father and love as the Lord loves. But until I fully moved on, I will let me be freed from your bubble and live my life peacefully. As peaceful as when you were not around then.

A memory came today from my ate Veronica who I met in a Youth Camp in 2019 and became my classmate in 1st year 2nd sem (2020). It was my photos during the 3GGGR Youth Camp and memories of my 3rd revival came rushing back to me. Oh how the Lord revived me back then from my spiritual death. The Lord talked to me that time that I was just obeying Him out of custom and religion not because I loved Him. And that struck me in my heart and shook me to the core. I grew up inside the church and lived as a Born again Christian since I can remember but it was only during the Encounter way back 2017 that I've really known the Lord and appreciated the gift of Salvation He gave me. That was my 2nd Revival, my first Revival was way back March 31, 2015, my spiritual birth date wherein I was baptized in water during the Ablaze Youth Camp. Then by that same year of my 3rd Revival, I died again. I fell in the pit of the enemy and invested my whole being in a wrong person. Comes 2020, that person broke me to pieces and all hell broke loose. 2020 was very hard for me and the pandemic didn't help at all. There, I experienced depression, panic attacks, overthinking spree and the endless despair in desolation. I felt like I was a living corpse. Alive and breathing but was dead inside. But one night of January 2021, I prayed for the first time in months and the Lord spoke to me. He said that He'll do something great on my birth month February, and guess what? Here I am right now, for the 4th time the Lord has Revived me 🥺. Oh how faithful is the Lord in His promises, all things did work together for good that even my recent heart break in April became a lesson for me as well. Truly His love never fails, and even in the times of our spiritual death, the Lord is working in the background, preparing us for our Revival. I praise God for all His Goodness and Mercies in my life and I am eternally grateful that the Lord has given me my new name REVIVALIST, and with full faith I RECEIVE that it will manifest in my life soon enough.

My body is remembering its former glory. Oh how nostalgic it is to be with your High School friends and reminisce the past. All we did was laugh out loud as we enjoy the nostalgia brought by the stories of the past. I am grateful for this opportunity because with them, I remembered how academically competitive I was way back in high school. How I truly enjoyed each and every day learning new things, competing with my classmates, and of course being with my beloved friends where there never was, a dull moment. As we've walked from the market to the town plaza, I felt the nostalgia walking there each and every day filled with laughter and cheerful smiles. Haha I was just reminded by the time my crush held my bag and walked with me and my bestfriend as we walk towards the market from our school. Oh how giddy and nervous was I that time haha. And as I retract my steps, I can feel a new beginning welling up in my soul. I felt that I can start living again and continue the dreams I've disregarded and left. Now I know the Lord is doing something great in my life and soon will harvest time come. This joy encapsulated in peace and nostalgia with dreams rising up and beginnings starting anew. With this, though my past weeks was filled with immense pain, I don't regret a thing for it became a catalyst to retract my steps back to where I belong.

I'm starting to dream again. That is something the enemy has stole from me for years. From the lengthy vacation of April till August of 2019 to my freshmen year and now at my sophomore year, my dreams have vanished. Fear encapsulated me and killed my passion and desire for my future. Now, It is still unclear to me if I will continue pursuing medicine or pursue Psychology and become a Psychologist. But the good thing is, I am dreaming again. The good thing is I started seeing the importance of my academics once again and I'm doing what I can to focus on what I have on my plate right now. I still don't know how will I survive the major bombs on 3rd year nor the thesis making on 4th year and especially passing the board exam, let alone finish the illustrations in AnaPhy this semester. But even though, I am now freed from fear. I know that the Lord is in control and the only thing I need to do is to obey. I know the Lord will manifest His power in my life that even if I am incapable, He will be the one who will work in my life and lift me through these upheavals.

My heart sinks, Lord my heart sinks. It hurts, I'm in pain. I'm sad, I feel so down. Lord why do I feel this way. I want to reach out, I want to open up, I want to be ok but I'm tired of explaining what I feel. Lord my heart sinks, I don't have any person in my circle that I know will understand, the situation I'm in, the language my heart speaks. Lord my heart sinks, every time the person I expect to know me the most, who'll be there when I need them, who'll comfort me when I need some, doesn't reach out and ask if I'm fine. Lord my heart sinks, Lord I'm not fine, Lord I feel so bad and sad and blue. Maybe because I expect too much from what they can give. I still search for a person who can really understand me. I thought I found that person but I just over appreciated what is given to me, the basic kindness I sought as something that matches to what I can give hehe. Lord my heart sinks, but I know you are the captain of this ship and you won't let me drown on my own misery. I know after this cry, My Lord will renew me for You are close to the broken hearted and saves those whose spirit is crushed. Yes, I understand that these people has their limits on what they can give to me, or that we are not of the same love languages but still my heart sinks because I too expect them to love me as I love them. To go extra mile for me as I did and will always do for them. But even if they won't, I know my Lord already did. You left the 99 for me and went not only extra miles but even overcame death just for me. And that is more than enough, thank you Lord 😚🧡.

As I listen to this song, I am reminded whom the God I am serving is; a Magnificent and Marvelous God who Himself overcame death and saved me from eternal damnation because of His immense love for mankind. If the Lord has overcame death Himself then whom shall I fear? Why would I fear anything if the Lord got my back? With that, I will respond with obedience and faith. In gratefulness, I will dwell in His presence and continue to grow in love to my Creator, Savior, Redeemer, and Friend. I know as long as I am under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, living will be is to Christ and dying will be a gain. I will strive to live this life for the Lord and continually surrender to His plans.

Just as what happened to me recently, whe I said thta my peace was in the Lord, right then truly I was stating a fact. However, as days went by, I failed to do my part. Instead of seeking the Lord, I seeked a person for rest. I was tested just like Peter and we both failed completely. Now, I understand what it means to guard my heart and have my Peace from the Prince of Peace alone. I cried from the pain because it hurts so much that the person I fell in love with is not the right person the Lord has prepared for me. I felt that I failed the Lord, I was tested because I did not do my part. However, I know that I am gonna be okay. The Lord is not finished with me yet, I know He will use me mightily and manifest His power in my life just as what he did with Apostle Paul even after he denied Him three times.