A Charming Boy and his Grumpy-Looking Vampire

haha, thanks. neither of us are really morning people, but sure.

WE SHARE JOHN'S TINY HUMAN BED. IT GETS CRAMPED BUT I GUESS IT'S ALRIGHT.

it's not tiny! it's a full or something.

IS THAT BIG FOR HUMAN BEDS?

i don't know. :B

EXACTLY. ANYWAY.

i usually wake up first. karkat's grouchy if you wake him up too early. well i guess he's kind of grouchy anyway, but it's worse when he's tired.

he has really gross morning breath. 

JOHN USUALLY MAKES ME SOMETHING TO EAT. MOST MORNINGS IT'S CLUCKBEAST EGGS AND BUTTERED BREAD TOAST. THAT'S THE ONLY THING HE DOESN'T BURN.

you're not much better, buddy. 

"NOT MUCH" IS STILL BETTER.

while he's eating i go shower and let him wake all the way up! he's useless for like an hour and a half, haha.

IT'S BIOLOGICAL, YOU SHITWAD.

SAY THAT TO MY FACE NOT ONLINE MOTHERFUCKER. SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

haha.

but really. fuck off!

MAYBE YOU'RE A RACE OF ALIEN TOO RUDE AND STUPID TO COMPREHEND BASIC ASS SHIT, AND THAT'S OK. BUT IT IS LITERALLY NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS HOW MUCH I WEIGH, OR WHY JOHN IS "TAN." THIS IS ME MAKING A HUMBLE AND PLEASANT REQUEST.

this is both of us!

RIGHT. THE REQUEST IS: STOP SENDING US SHIT LIKE THIS. IT'S UNBECOMING AND I'D RATHER WATCH GHOST BUSTERS 2 FIFTY TIMES IN A ROW THAN READ ANOTHER ONE OF THESE BORING MESSAGES.

i'd rather watch ghostbusters 2 anyway.

YEAH. LET'S GO DO THAT. 

WHAT KIND OF TROLL DO YOU THINK I AM? NO, I DON'T 'POSE SEDUCTIVELY BUT SUBTLY.' NO, I AM NOT A GIGANTIC DOUCHEFLAKE. COME THE FUCK ON.

yeah, you're not really subtle at all.

WOW, THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

but you can pretty seductive. remember when--

NO, STOP--

i don't even know what you were doing, dude! it looked like you were really upset about your shoulder or something.

CAN WE NOT BRING THIS UP?

haha, you are so weird.

WHAT'S WITH THE FLOWERS?

that's what happens when you're seductive, karkat.

I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE JOKING.

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU ASSUME WE’VE BEEN ON VACATION? IN CASE YOU WEREN’T AWARE WE ARE INCREDIBLY BUSY GUYS WITH A LOT OF IMPORTANT SHIT TO TAKE CARE OF AND IF YOU THINK WE’VE GOT TIME TO DO ANY SLACKING WHATSOEVER-

dude, you’ve spent the last two weeks flagging youtube videos.

“DUDE,” YOU DID NOT NEED TO TELL THEM THAT, I’M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT. AND ANYWAY, I TOLD YOU, THOSE VIDEOS WERE CLEARLY AGAINST THE SITES COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT RULES AND REGULATIONS.

OKAY FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS, FUCKNUTS, IS THAT I’M NOT SHIPPING. SHIPPING IS FOR EMBARASSING SOCIALLY INEPT KITTEN WRIGGLERS AND HORMONAL PREPUBESCENT EARTH FEMALES. I’M ANALYZING THE RELATIONSHIPS PRESENTED WITHIN A WORK OF FICTION AND POINTING OUT THE ONES THAT, BY ALL RIGHTS, SHOULD HAVE BEEN CANONIZED. SECONDLY, NO, I’M NOT WRONG, I’M EVEN MORE RIGHT ABOUT HARRY POTTER THAN I WAS ABOUT LORD OF THE RINGS. CHECK IT OUT, DUMMY.

FIRST OFF, HARRY AND LUNA ARE A PICTURESQUE MOIRALLEGIANCE. BECAUSE HARRY IS THE PRESIDENT OF HORRIBLE EMOTION-DRIVEN DECISIONS INCORPORATED, HE NEEDS SOMEONE TO KEEP HIM REASONABLE AND TO STOP HIM FROM BEING THE INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE THAT HE SO OFTEN TENDS TO BE. LUNA’S PRESENCE, AS I’VE NOTED, KEEPS HIM CALM AND REASONABLE. HE MAKES MUCH LESS TERRIBLE CHOICES WHEN SHE’S AROUND. HARRY IS ALSO CLEARLY SERVING AS AN AUSPISTICE BETWEEN RON AND HERMIONE FOR AT LEAST SOME PERIOD OF TIME, PARTICULARLY IN THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE. THAT’S NOT TO SAY HE’S NOT UNBELIEVABLY INCOMPETENT IN THE ASHEN QUADRANT BECAUSE, AGAIN, HE’S A HUGE DUMBASS AND I FUCKING HATE HIM AND RON. HERMIONE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE TWO. WHICH BRINGS US TO THE NEXT ROMANCE. HERMIONE AND GINNY SHOULD HAVE ENDED UP HUMAN WITCH MARRIED. FUCK THE FEATURE FILMS. THEY COMPLETELY LEFT OUT THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THESE TWO. THEY WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO TRULY CARED FOR ONE ANOTHER AFTER THE HORRORS THEY BOTH ENDURED WHILE THEIR IDIOTIC EGOTISTICAL SELF ABSORBED POORLY-CHOSEN CANONICAL LOVE INTERESTS WALLOWED IN ANGST AND SELF-PITY AND MANPAIN. GINNY AND HERMIONE DESERVED EACH OTHER. FUCK, OKAY, NEXT WE HAVE DUMBLEDORE’S ASHEN RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HARRY AND VOLDEMORT. DUMBLEDORE SUCKS FAT HOOFBEAST BULGE AT BEING A MENTOR BUT HIS AUSPISTICIZING TECHNIQUE WORKED LIKE A FUCKING CHARM NONETHELESS. HE KEPT REMINDING HARRY NOT TO GIVE INTO HIS HATE, AND HEY, HE DIDN’T, AND HE WAS ABLE TO FACE VOLDEMORT LIKE A MAN IN THE END AND DEFEAT HIM. REMUS LUPIN AND SIRIUS BLACK ARE SO UNBEARABLY PALE FOR ONE ANOTHER THAT IT ALMOST PAINS ME. I SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS ONE. I MEAN, MAKING A POTION TO KEEP HIS VOLATILE WEREWOLF NATURE UNDER WRAPS? LUPIN HOLDING SIRIUS BACK FROM KILLING PETTIGREW WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE? FUCKING. BEAUTIFUL. AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN THE WHOLE SERIES:

THE TRAGIC FAILURE OF A KISMESIS BETWEEN DRACO MALFOY AND HARRY POTTER. FUCK, THIS ONE ALWAYS GETS ME. THEIR OBSESSION WITH ONE ANOTHER REALLY PEAKS IN THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE, AND THEY BOTH KICK ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY’RE DOWN AGAIN AND AGAIN. THE BLACK PASSION IS JUST. UNBELIEVABLE. …karkat, i don’t understand. i mean, harry ends up with ginny, and ron ends up with hermione, and they get married and have babies! didn’t you read the epilogue? FUCK THE EPILOGUE. FUCK IT WITH A RUSTED RAILROAD SPIKE, WHAT KIND OF AN ENDING FOR A STORY WAS THAT? “AND ALL WAS WELL?????” JOHN, I AM PERSONALLY OFFENDED BY YOUR UNQUESTIONING ACCEPTANCE OF THAT PILE OF GARBAGE. THERE’S NO WAY YOU WERE ENJOYING THE STORY TO ITS FULLEST IF YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THAT BULLSHIT. no offense, but you don’t seem like you’re enjoying it at all. and besides, harry and draco don’t hate each other in the end. harry starts to seriously pity him a little in the last book, and he saves his life! YOU DON’T THINK I KNOW THAT? THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SO TRAGIC. THEY ABANDON THEIR BEAUTIFUL HATRED BECAUSE HUMAN LITERATURE HAS A RUNNING THEME OF KISMESIS-SHAMING AND- DID YOU SAY PITY? oh no. karkat. OKAY I THINK YOU JUST SHED SOME NEW LIGHT ON THIS. THANKS JOHN.

YOU HAVE ABOUT TWENTY SECONDS TO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF AWFUL HUMAN HOLIDAY TRADITION HAS COMPELLED YOU TO PUT THAT ON YOUR HEAD. it’s mistletoe! you’re supposed to kiss me under it! WHY. i don’t know. you just are. NO. GO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE. karkat, that is infidelity. you don’t want to turn me into an adulterer, do you? I’M NOT KISSING YOU UNTIL YOU TAKE OFF THAT GODFORSAKEN HEADDRESS.

are you suuuure? YES. really sure. I’M SO SURE. mmmmmmmmwah. mwah. AUGH. JOHN. OKAY.

WOW, FUCKING RUDE. uh. AREN’T YOU GOING TO SAY “EXCUSE ME?” no dude, why would i do that?? in my culture, you’re supposed to say “bless you” when someone else farts. like you do for a sneeze. THAT’S THE THE MOST UPSETTING THING I’VE EVER BEEN TOLD. toots are a blessing on my planet. it is release from the pain of intestinal gas. GROSS. come on karkat! be culturally sensitive and bless my butt!! UGH. FINE.

YOU JUST NEVER COULD GET THE NUMBER RIGHT ON THAT CELEBRATORY SHAME CONE. WHY DID WE CHOOSE TO DOCUMENT THIS PARTICULAR MEMORY? I LOOK LIKE A BUFFOON. because it was your first earth birthday!! also you didn’t use your fork and it was hilarious.

haha, look how constipated you look. IT’S BECAUSE WASN’T EXPECTING YOU TO LAY ONE ON ME WHILE WE WERE TRYING TO FIX YOUR NEW WEBCAM. nah dude, you look like that all the time.

AND THIS WAS IMMEDIATELY AFTER. you still look constipated. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY “SILLY FACE!”

he smiled!! yaaaaay!!!

THE MOMENTS YOU CHOOSE TO PRESERVE ARE CEASELESSLY HORRID. I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY TO BE EMBARASSED ANYMORE.

…how’d that get in here. next pict-

dude is that me sleeping. I WAS TRYING TO GET A COMPROMISING PICTURE OF YOU TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THE HIDEOUS SHOTS YOU’VE TAKEN OF ME. SEE, YOU CAN’T SEE IT IN THE SHOT BUT YOU ARE SALIVATING LIKE A HUNGRY BARKBEAST AND IT’S EXTREMELY UNFLATTERING. that’s not compromising, that’s just creepy. on your part. DAMN IT I KNOW.

sorry bro im gonna have to "red card" you

OH NO YOU DON'T.

NOT THIS MUSCLEBEAST SHIT AGAIN.

your hands-

YOU DO THIS EVERY TIME I SCORE A POINT!

i said your hands-

NO!

your hands touched the ball for too long when you shot it man sorry dats da rules

HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SCORE A POINT WITHOUT TOUCHING THE BALL?!??!?!

AM I REQUIRED TO WILL THE BALL TO JUMP THROUGH THE HOOP FOR ME?

no its just hands you held it for too long

...dave, i am pretty sure that's not actually how the game works!

shhhh trust me egbert i know all about sports