Let's Get Lord Privy Real

Stephen Gardiner (I also know a really good long joke about a monk)

Okay, SPAIN, I see that you’re trying to get me to reveal England’s military weaknesses to you. I’m not gonna fall for it. I’m onto you. We have no military weaknesses. 

They have literally no concept of what it is like to grow up without a shit ton of money so they’ll believe everything I tell them about it. I once told Suffolk I had to sell strands of my own hair to make a living when I was younger. He believed it wholeheartedly. Thats… not a thing people do, Charles. No one does that. 

100 duck-sized horses. Ducks are vicious. I’ve dealt with horses before and as irritating as 100 small horses would be I could probably fight them all off with just a toothpick. 

….Pardon? I must say, of all the rumors about my family that have gone about this is by far one of the strangest.

Hello, my name is Thomas Cromwell, and I would like to share with you the most amazing book! Hello, it’s a book about political advising since a long long time ago. 

I love them equally, I really feel like I don’t have one!

You know what else is broke? England, pretty frequently, because of the church and warmongering lords and the only thing keeping us in financial stability is me, this hat, and the dissolution of the monasteries so shuT UP. Thanks.

if it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Cranmer Is A Celibate Holy Man

I did have two daughters, both of whom would have been quite young for the king. If he had taken a liking to one of them, I don’t know if it would have been a question of whether or not I “let” her marry Henry. 

I’m pretty pro cape as a fashion statement, although they are impractical in battles.

I’d like to think that I would be a decent king, but I do not think I could compare to King Henry. 

I’ve liked all of them. Probably Anne Boleyn, but as I’ve said before I do still have a great respect for her. 

Definitely not. 

I think I would be an excellent pirate. I’m pretty good at sailing, fighting, and generally being a dick.