Ask a Borderline

Is it normal for somebody to be so close to a new friend that they’ll wear their new friend’s clothes? Is that “just having other friends”? When the bond is so close that you’ll put on and wear each other’s clothes? It doesn’t feel like they’re “just having other friends” it feels like they drifted away from me and replaced me for somebody else.

It seems you’re really hung up on the clothes example. It’s good that you can identify a specific example of an issue you have.

Is it “normal”? Depends on the person. What is and isn’t normal in friendships is not universal.

Is it possible to think logically about things when you're experiencing paranoia? Like, I have diagnosed BPD but several people have told me that I can't because when I'm in the beginning of one of my "Everyone is lying to me and hates me and I'll cut everyone off because they secretly want me to do that anyway" episodes, I usually have a flash of "Hmm, that sounds unhinged." It doesn't stop me from feeling like what I feel is the objective reality and doesn't stop me from acting on it, but I do have the flash at the beginning. Same goes for like, when I believe that the world isn't real. When it's starting I go "that sounds kinda mentally unwell" but then I like believe it anyway? Is that possible?

i am not sure how bpd related this is but i am having a hard time respecting my partner's boundaries and accepting it when they say no. i know that this is a bad thing and it's making me feel awful but still i haven't been able to 'rewire' my brain to do better

could you tag the response with the word 'cloud'?

thank you!

Hello,

I’ve been avoiding this ask because it was really triggering to me as someone who felt like they were left by the person who planned to marry me because of my BPD.

This blog has been slowly dying out so the decision has been made to end it.

I’ll work on answering the last few asks in our inbox before terminating the blog.

Thank you for your support throughout the years.

I've had a lot of trauma stem from lying or being lied to so guess that's where it stems from but I only ever get paranoid or upset when I feel I've lied, not when I know others have lied to me.

does anyone maybe have experience with this?how can I handle this moving forward? If I feel I've lied to a close friend should I consult with them about it like "Hi, I'm having some anxiety about lying and I feel like maybe I lied to you at one point but I can't remember, if you're comfortable can you ask me questions about anything you think maybe wasn't the truth?"

I feel like utter shit having this problem and it's worse when it comes up in my relationships and I just don't know how to handle it

I’m not sure exactly what you mean by “borderline traits” as bpd actually has a very large amount of traits, but I’m going to work on the assumption that you mean traits that specially involve interpersonal relationships, and if that’s the case, then this makes sense as romantic partners often become FPs, who are often the target of one’s symptoms/emotions/etc. relating to FP relationships and those symptoms that go along with them. I’ll link to an FP resource page I personally like, in hopes you might find some more specific examples to what you’re talking about in regards to your own experiences.

Dump him.

I should probably come up with more detail on this, but to me, separated from the situation without all the hard feelings that come with it - the facts are, he's hurt you a lot, and it's not really going to do him any good either if you don't like him either (notice that liking and loving are separate things). Sorry if this comes off more blunt than I mean it to be, as well, but I really think it'd probably be best for the situation to disengage. He can improve as a person, but he probably has some ways to go and you're not obligated to stay with him through it, especially if you can't stop hating him.

This is, of course, just advice from one person though, so consider the situation carefully. That's what I'd recommend, though.

-Angie💟

Um, when it comes to my partner, I have an issue with letting them see me break down. They've dealt with my anger and splitting and other things several times and I hate putting them through that. They say they're completely fine with it, but I don't know whether to trust them or to find ways to handle it on my own. Life has been real stressful recently which is causing me to do do these things a lot more often. I was wondering if there's anything I could do to keep it from happening around them or something?

For my sibling, I've been through a lot with them, we're really close. They recently started dating a friend of mine, and I feel like they don't want to talk to me as often, and they're ignoring me to talk to their significant other. I know I can get paranoid and overreact, I'm just scared we'll grow apart. They're the only family I have right now. I'm not sure how to go about this.

Sorry if I didn't phrase things right and it doesn't make sense.

So this is really hard to believe for most people with BPD, I know, and I am definitely not faulting you for that :) But if they're completely fine with it and they say so, and they don't present any issue, then you really are probably fine! I would trust them at their word and work with them. Don't try to handle it on your own, it'll just internalize and explode later.

As for your sibling, I definitely understand your fears, but I would recommend just bluntly talking to them about how you're feeling and seeing if they can do anything to help you feel a little more secure, especially if they know about your BPD. In all likelihood, they're just in the honeymoon phase of their relationship and are just really into it. That's okay, that's pretty normal, and it usually gets a little less intense later on. I would recommend talking to them about it :)

On the opposite note, ive been feeling myself split on one of my fp’s because they have been giving me minimal replies and talking to me less and less. I know it’s probably a lost cause for the friendship but I was wondering if you had advice on splitting on others as well?

And last, related to the other, do you have advice for coping with friend’s becoming distant? It seems like it happens no matter what I do, and I feel like theres no hope for long lasting friendships for me… I feel like im only there to be a hyper fixation or a fad, and then they get bored with me…

I am scared of lashing out when upset and cutting the friendships off altogether. Thankfully ive been using the BPD skills from your blog to control my actions, but its still hard to handle when it’s something that happens repeatedly…

Honestly, it sucks to hear and it sucks even more that it's true, but the truth is that even "normal", neurotypical people lose most of the friends they make. It just takes the right combination of people to stay together for basically their whole lives, one that's pretty rare, and a lot of these things don't last, and that's fine. The problem is that with BPD, it gets really hard to see it as anything other than evidence you're unloveable or whatever, and it's even harder to keep permanent friends bc people are scared away by "freaky disorder", but you will find some if you keep looking.

You're doing good by focusing on BPD skills! I'm sure that is helping a lot.

When someone is splitting on you, I've found it's often good to give them space. This applies to you splitting on people well. Usually some distance from the situation proves really illuminating, and it helps stop either party from saying pretty regrettable things. Also keep in mind that splitting is often temporary, so try to leave room for your friend to come back - they may not, so do not build it up as a certainty, but leave them the opportunity if you want them in your life still. Splitting is not always permanent, especially if the reason is not too huge.

As for your distancing friend, I would honestly just directly ask them about it. It may have nothing to do with you - they may just have less energy than before, they might be busier, they might be buried under work, etc. There could be a large number of reasons, and it's better to just ask instead of trying to mull over the possibilities with their input. I will say that most relationships tend to "calm down" a bit after the initial buzz of meeting - the "honeymoon phase" things applies with friendships too, and just because everything isn't as energetic as before doesn't mean you're a mere hyperfixation or they're going to abandon you. You've just become part of their routine, instead of being an unusual thing, and that's actually good I think :)

hi everyone. i hope you're all well. i just came here in hopes of some comfort since a friend, or my former fp has passed. even if they were not my fp anymore, they still meant a lot to me and we still kept in contact like dear friends.

due to my current circumstances, i am not allowed to grieve normally, (or just go fully nonverbal) and am forced to suck it up so i was hoping i could ask for a little bit of quiet here;

im sorry if this ask is too much, but thank you for reading it anyways. sending love to you all, thanks for all your hardwork.:)

Wanting some time to grieve in your own way is never too much to ask.

I’ll keep this short since you want some quiet time.

Every FP is near and dear to our hearts, I think, sometimes even if they’ve hurt us. And FP aside, it’s always troubling when any former friend you left on at least neutral terms with dies.

I don’t act on this feeling but it does cause a lot of splitting and narc-crashing when I feel like they even want to spend an iota of time with someone who isn’t me because “why am I not good enough to be the only thing”? No matter how hard I try to unlearn that feeling of entitlement, no matter how hard I try to see them as a person rather than an object I own or property, it’s like my brain and feelings won’t Sync Up. It’s not even that I see them as an object, they’re one of the few people my disorders see as Equal and because I see them as Equal to me, the fact they want to spend any time with anyone other than me feels like a weird sort of insult or abandonment because I have a hard time seeing other people as Equal (which I also really try to work on).

I just don’t know what to do with this feeling because I keep crashing and splitting because, like a normal person, they happen to have interests in people outside of me. And I would really rather just be able to have healthy feelings for someone I care about. (They’re also the only one I feel empathy for but that empathy runs dry rather quickly when it comes to this particular trigger and it becomes harder to empathize).

BPD/NPD/ASPD comorbid here (yeah I really won the lottery), and I know exactly what you're talking about, gods. It's so much for me to deal with my "FPs", as I experience it, even wanting to spend any time with or appreciate anyone else. It feels sort of like an attack, and like you said, abandonment, and I totally understand what you're going through. It sucks so much.

I think it's important to try to diversify your friend group and support web a bit, even if you don't really care nearly as much about the other people, it can help you feel less reliant on the one or two people you really favor and see as exceptions, and it's also good for bits of supply if you feel like you're gonna crash soon. I also like to look at my "FPs" interacting with other people and then coming back as some sort of proof that I'm "better" and loophole my brain that way. With NPD especially I've found it's generally easier to try to steer your thought process into a different direction that conveniences you more instead of trying to change it entirely, if that makes sense? (Another example: I deal with the manipulative impulses by reminding myself that just being nice to people and treating them well with full honesty will achieve the same goals with less effort, and that kind of appeals to the weird "logic" my brain is running on while helping me not feel like I'm being a shitty person).