A Journal of Complaints

No, I would stay here. It wouldn’t be a good situation for anyone involved. All the people I left behind have probably gone through so much, as have I, and it’s better they keep what closure they’ve got. Besides, I have this idiot of a demigod that I love so very much and I can’t just unleash him in another world. That would be terrifying in the least.

Oh, Darling. You worry too much! You’re not going to catch anything from a simple touch from someone new! I’m not going to take any risks! I can’t take any time off work and you are simply awful when you’re ill, which would require me taking more time off work. It’s just easier to use the sanitizer. Besides, the kind I gave you is chocolate scented. Oh, alright! I’m sorry, reader. Looks like you just get a hug from me! Darling, you know I don’t get sick that often and by normal means! Though I do absolutely love that chocolate scented sanitizer~ With my luck, you’ll get sick precisely when I can’t have you doing it. I knew you would only use the sanitizer if you liked the smells, so of course I got you one that smelled of sweets~ Darling, I promise I won’t get sick! I’ll take an extra shower and make sure to eat something…. Healthy if that will make you feel less worried? Mmm~ it was a very good choice, Darling. Do they make Cinnabon flavor perchance? You eat something healthy? Oh, Ridge, don’t speak nonsense, even if it would make me feel better…and I’m sure they have an entire palette of different scents for sweet-toothed suckers like yourself. I will put up with it if it will, Darling. I don’t want you worrying needlessly.

Oooh~! We should check that out the next time we’re at the store! I want to see what other sweet scented ones they have. No way am I taking you to a store to sniff chemicals. I would never be able to get you out of there! What? Oh come now, darling! I’m not that bad! Besides if I just bought one of each then that would solve the problem entirely! That would be a horrible waste of money. Nobody uses that much hand sanitizer. I might if it smelt delicious enough. Though I do get quite dirty working with my hands and all sometimes. Ugh, don’t remind me. And then you rub them all over me. It’s funny how you squirm and run away from me when you realize they’re dirty. I don’t find it funny in the slightest! It’s gross, and I’ve got to shower afterward every single time. You know you don’t have to shower every time, Darling. Dirt happens everyday, if you wash incessantly you’ll rub your skin right off! That’s not how skin works, Ridge. It’s not that hard for you to keep the dirt away from me, either, so it’s mostly your fault if my skin does fall off! Oh no, you can’t blame me entirely for that! Mr. Scrub myself raw over the tiniest particle of dirt! If your skin does fall off, I only take the smallest responsibility for it.

You know, I’m right here. I read all of your messages as well. I don’t like you talking nonsense like I’m not here. They just like to surprise you, darling. Or maybe they thought you’d be busy today and wouldn’t see this until well after I’d seen it. They should know you need no encouragement to throw those little compliments my way no matter how ridiculous they may be. Beautiful my arse… Hey now! It’s the truth~ Though you’re right I do love complimenting you. You get the tiniest hint of blush. It’s precious. I am not! Readers, he’s lying. He’s lying like a dog. Must be why it’s in his name. Yes you are! You’re the one who likes more than I do!

I do as well… but we’ll always have the fond memories of her…. I do have a little surprise for you, Darling. Oh? Oh, Ridge, you know I don’t like surprises that much. I know, but you’ll like this, Darling. I promise. Alright, if you’re sure. Show it to me. I’m very sure! Close your eyes. I’ll guide you there, Darling. Ah, okay, but don’t let me run into poles like you did last time. I promise, Darling! Come this way… careful! Ah, here we are. Alright, Darling open your eyes! What is…oh, Ridge! Ridge, it’s her! It’s so realistic. How did you…? I found a painter who was very patient with me and created this painting from just her description. I wanted you to be able to always see her exactly how she was.

I do feel spoiled and it’s not good. Lavish treatment is too special to waste on me so often. I don’t feel it’s a waste. You deserve it. Plus you bring an absolute joy into my life that I haven’t had in a very long time. I’m glad I give you something. I wish I could give you more, though.  Shh… you give me plenty. I get to look into those gorgeous eyes and see every little bit of stardust that came together to make you…

Oh, Ridge, stop, I’m blushing…you’re embarrassing me. I can’t help it! It’s the truth… How did I get so lucky as to end up with such a guy as you? Well… you can thank a faulty space engine for having you fall into my life. I thank it every day that it brought you here, to me… Hmm, I suppose I was rather lucky to leave my life behind, face death, and all to be in love with a god. I think it was a fair trade, because I do so love you, Ridgey dear. As I love you, My Xephos~

Well, I wish I could tell you, reader, but Ridge insists on making it a surprise for me every year. I have no idea. I’m sure it will be terribly romantic… Oh it will be, darling. You can count on it! I only keep it a surprise because I love seeing the look on your face when I reveal it to you. I have to admit, I sort of like it too. It takes all the pressure off of me. Notch knows I have enough of that to spare.

Doyoumeantotellmetheyareaskingaboutoursexlife?

Yes, darling. They’re asking which of us is more dominant or submissive in… well you know. Th-that is a highly inappropriate question and I…I mean, can’t they tell? I suppose they can’t. I mean… we do switch from time to time depending on our moods. Well yes, but don’t I, you know, take most of the time? Well… Yes, but there are those times where you are very much in charge. You know… when that collar comes out… They don’t have to know about that, Ridge! It’s too late! They already know enough about that that it wouldn’t surprise them! They already know enough about us to write erotic stories about us. What in the world are you talking about? Erotic stories…like…like porn? …Yes. The porniest porn stories your eyes would ever lay upon, darling. They’ve done quite a few actually. My favorite one is where I get to kiss the ice cream off your lips… and other places. I-I…I-you’ve read them? Why would anyone write that? Surely we’re not that…titillating?

Yes, I have read them. They’re all quite good. Many people would write those kinds of stories, Darling. Very creative and imaginative people. Oooh… I would say we’re fairly titillating. I mean, we’re quite passionate with one another you know. I…well, that is just…so inappropriate and weird and…wait, they…can I read one? Of course you can, Darling! I have my favorites saved. I’ll pull one of them up for you right now if you like? You save them? Really, don’t you think that’s a bit much?…Well, what are you waiting for, get it ready for me! I want to see what these people think they know about us. I do! If someone puts that much work into something regardless of it’s content, I feel it’s worth saving. Especially when it’s quite steamy. Oh most certainly, Darling! Here… how about this one? Give it a read and see what you think.

Yes, well, we’ll see about that…they’ve got you pegged there, you sex-obsessed sap…could it be any cheesier?…Oh…OH...oh…oh my…I uh…r-really? Wow…oh we don’t do that nearly enough, Ridge. Let’s uh…let’s give that one a go, shall we, dearest~? Their characterization is wonderful, I agree! Oh~ I’d be more than happy to, Darling. That would be quite fun~ Of course it is a little creepy they’ve got it so close to us in reality. Could you perhaps use some restraint and not encourage this? Writing porn is unhealthy. Well, it just shows how good of writers they are! Though I’ll try not to encourage them too much but it’s fun seeing what they come up with, but i’ll do my best not to encourage them too much. It’s not that unhealthy. Depends on a few factors…

You’re a sap, Ridge. Thank goodness nobody watched us with as much mush as you do Nilesy. Maybe I am a little bit of a sap. What’s it to you~? Well… Maybe you shouldn’t say that so quickly. What do you mean? Nobody’s cheered us on besides these crazy people who keep asking us questions. Well… You know Honeydew was one of the few that was genuinely happy for us… I think he could be considered one of the few that cheered us on. Yes, Honeydew is a good friend…but he didn’t creep on us like you do Nilesy. Perhaps you should listen to me a back off more so Panda has a chance. Oh… Oh alright! I’ll lay off watching over him for awhile.

Good. It will give you more time to do something…fun with me. I don’t have much spare time these days after all. That is true… What sort of fun should we have, Darling? Maybe a day at the beach? That actually sounds lovely, Ridge. Should I go grab our beach bag or is this beach private enough to skinny dip? It’s been a while~ Oh it’s private enough to skinny dip in, darling. We’ll have it all to ourselves. You should grab a beach bag, I’ll make sure to bring snacks. Oh, I can’t wait. It’s been so long since we’ve been underwater together, just us, only the water inbetween…and by snacks do you mean actual snacks or underwear for me made out of sugar? We’ve been over this and I don’t want any of that anywhere near there. Oh, it’ll be splendid, Darling! We’ll have a wonderful time! I actually meant real snacks this time. Though one of these days I will convince you to try it just once. Variety is the spice of life they say. Yes, but trust the man who can’t cook to forget that too many spices tastes awful. Just stay here and I’ll be right back with the bag and the snacks.

Alright, I’ll wait here… I’m getting better though! I at least didn’t burn the pasta like I did last time! I have half a mind to lock you out of the kitchen permanently after that…Alright, here we go, towels, sun screen, a book for each of us, and of course, snacks. How am I ever to learn if you do that, Darling? Perfect! I also brought along a ball to toss around if we felt like it… though I think swimming is going to be the top activity. Well, come on then, show me this gorgeous beach and we’ll see what the top activity is.

…Well that certainly happened. Darling, did that little one have… rabbit ears? Or am I seeing things? How are all of these people finding our house, Ridge? And for that matter, who taught them it was okay to hug people they don’t know? And since when does Minecraftia have rabbit people? I’m not sure how they’re finding the house but I may have to make the fence more secure. I suppose they can see how nice we are? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a rabbit person before. We may have to investigate this, darling. Seems a bit strange that we’d have such strange visitors like that all of a sudden.

Oh? Had a rough day, darling? Care to talk about it? Or would you rather me just rub the tension out of your shoulders, hm? There isn’t much to say really. We blew up the Jaffa Factory and now we have to find a whole new—ugh. I don’t even have time to talk about it! I’ve to make dinner still, and the study is a mess, and… Whoooa slow down, darling! Goodness, you’re getting tense right before my eyes. Here, sit for just a moment. Dinner and cleaning can wait… how’s that feel?

Ohhhh, mm, Ridge that feels divine. I think I figured out what part of you is “god.” It’s your hands. Oh yes, right there… I’m glad that feels good… oh? My hands, hmm? Well my touch certainly does make you melt~ Hmm, are you sure you aren’t using magic on me? Me? Use magic? I would never. I prefer enchanting you in other ways, like I am now~ You really are…I feel like I could melt or fall asleep, I don’t know which…Notch, that’s a good spot! Well I hope you fall asleep! I wouldn’t want to have to mop you up and put you in a liquid container!

What’s the rush, Darling? Come on! This could be fun. Fun? Ridge, what are you… Mmnh! Mmm~ R-Ridge…! We need to focus! I am, Darling. I’m more than focused~ Well, yes but on the enTIRE-nn-ly wrong th-thing! I don’t know about that, darling. I quite think I’m focused on the right thing. You’re getting goosebumps from just my fingertips running over your sides~ Well I-I…your figure is rather tantalizing and we did do some things when I got turned into a woman… We certainly did quite a few things~ NO! No, Ridge, we can do whatever you want later, but we have got to find a cure.

You didn’t happen to write it down the last time, did you? Really, Darling? Are you sure? Oh… fine. I believe I did? Somewhere over there on the desk… I think. You wrote it down? Good. And then maybe, mm~ when we find it, mmph~ we can reevaluate the situation, hm? Yes, it’s somewhere on that desk over, Mm~… There. Of course, darling. We’ll certainly reevaluate things… Though it’s quite hard resisting the temptation of running my hands all over you… Everything feels rather different. Oh, I remember how that feels…I quite remember exactly what you did to make me feel better…Ah! Here it is. Rather simple potion, surprisingly… Oh I remember too… Simple yes, lets hope I have all the ingredients. I think I do… Netherwart, ender eyes, flower petals, and ghast tears? No wonder that potion tasted awful. It’s a shame I don’t let you cheat more, fix things with magic. But it’s called cheating for a reason…

Yes, of course. We have to do everything ‘legit’. You’re just eating this up aren’t you, darling? Well it’s a shame i’m quite enjoying myself like this. I mean look at these boobs! And these hips! You do have quite the figure like this…I still like man-you better, though. Now, do you have all the ingredients? Well, I’m certainly glad that you like man-me better. I believe I do. It’s just finding them in these chests. Perhaps if you were organized we could get work done sooner and move quicker to the play. Well it’s hard to be oganized when I have so many projects going! I think… ah! Here’s some of it! I know I need to tone down my projects but it’s rather difficult. And you think I take on too much? Here’s the ghast tears…. Well! Sometimes you do. You’ve come home in awful moods sometimes because of all the stress you put yourself under… aha! Here’s the Netherwart! Now where are those ender eyes…