ashes to ashes

there  was  always  a  slightly  terrifying  feeling  in  their  chest  whenever  they  were  sitting  in  front  of  nathan  crane.  it  had  to  be  the  eyes  ,  ash  decided.  the  steely  blue  had  an  ability  to  dig  into  their  soul  and  dig  out  whatever  they  wanted  to  get.  still  ,  nathan  and  his  family  had  been  the  safe  haven  they'd  needed  when  they  finally  were  ready  to  leave. they'd  taken  them  in  when  it  felt  like  they  were  completely  isolated  ,  alone  with  nowhere  to  turn.  mrs  crane  had  always  been  one  of  the  nicer  people  in  ash's  past  ,  sneaking  them  sweets  and  giving  them  a  place  to  hide  when  they  needed  a  few  moments  to  catch  their  breath. nathan  and  ash  hadn't  been  that  close  ,  age  separating  them  among  other  things.  but  it  seemed  as  if  his  younger  brothers  were  intent  on  keeping  up  to  date  with  everything  ash  was  doing  and  that  ,  in  turn  ,  meant  that  the  only  person  living  in  the  same  city  was  now  seemingly  forced  to  take  them  out  to  lunch  every  few  weeks.  "i  –  yeah  ,  i've  been  working  there  for  a  while  now.  not  ideal  ,  but  it  pays  the  bills." they fiddled with the napkin placed in their lap. "your café is still doing okay ?"

“i'm not — i'm not doing anything.” but the way miles whipped around to face ash told them all they needed to know, was as obvious as being caught red handed. since gifting giselle flowers in the alley between their workplaces, seeing those green eyes illuminate and her often stoic expression finally crack, he had been almost addicted. he knew nothing about alice in wonderland, even less about broadway, and had brushed away a red fake flower being forced into his face whenever he walked past the birthday boy. it was all an elaborate ploy to talk to her again, to give her a gift, to feel that same feeling again, even if just for a fleeting moment. “i just wasn't technically invited.”

for  some  reason  ash  was  wandering  around  the  establishment  ,  looking  for  a  quiet  place  to  rest  their  ears  for  just  a  few  moments.  it  was  proving  very  difficult  with  everyone  yelling  out  their  songs  of  choice  from  all  angles.  they'd  been  invited  (  mostly  by  ruairi  wanting  them  to  meet  their  boyfriend  )  but  they  had  given  both  the  birthday  people  their  gifts  and  then  promptly  hid  in  a  corner.  they  were  trying  to  come  up  with  a  reason  for  maybe  taking  a  quick  break  outside  when  they  almost  crashed  into  someone  that  definitely  looked  like  they  didn't  belong.  "i  couldn't  tell  ,"  ash  replied  ,  amusement  evident  in  their  voice.  "all  this  sneaking  around  was  very  subtle."

there  was  always  a  certain  thrill  to  talk  to  clem.  maybe  it  was  because  ash  was  actually  allowing  themself  to  want  something  for  once.  sometimes  ash  couldn't  tell  if  clem  wanted  them  as  well  ,  or  if  it  was  only  a  way  to  release  some  frustration.  maybe  it  wouldn't  lead  anywhere  ,  but  they  could  have  fun  while  it  lasted  ,  right  ?  "i  can  pencil  you  in  for  tuesday  at  two  am  ,"  ash  replied  smoothly.  "reason  for  meeting:  horny."  maybe  they  weren't  as  blatant  as  clem  was  ,  but  they  sure  could  try. "thank  you  ,"  ash  replied  ,  not  really  knowing  what  else  could  be  said  about  the  situation.  grace  was  there  for  however  long  and  ash  just  had  to  keep  their  head  down  until  she  was  gone  again.  "i  think  some  of  my  friends  have  things  planned  for  her  ,  even  though  i  asked  them  not  to  do  anything."  they  shook  their  head  in  amusement  and  ,  honestly  ,  fondness  as  they  once  again  were  stunned  by  the  care  their  friends  held  for  them.  "besides  ,  if  shit  goes  down  and  you  get  locked  up  ,  who  will  be  meeting  me  on  the  fire  escape  ?" ash  scoffed  ,  happy  to  move  on  from  the  subject  of  their  sister  ,  and  jumped  on  the  chance  to  talk  of  their  hypothetical  honeymoon.  "which  is  why  i'd  find  a  way  to  sneak  in  to  the  ceremony  before  you  say  i  do  ,"  they  replied  ,  as  if  it  was  obvious.  "we  deserve  a  nice  life  in  the  tropics.  and  you'd  look  really  good  in  a  bikini."  ash  laid  in to  it  on  the  last  sentence  ,  wagging  their  eyebrows  for  added  effect.

@ashvvilliams

ash's  gaze  softened  when  they  saw  the  anguish  and  worry  on  oliver's  face.  they  were  both  just  worried  about  their  friend.  "he's  ...  been  distant  lately  ,"  ash  allowed.  "i've  been  texting  ,  and  calling  ,  but  he's  not  replied."  oliver  was  right.  it  was  unusual  for  damian  to  not  keep  in  touch  with  his  friends.  even  if  ash  hadn't  known  him  for  that  long  ,  they  knew  that.  damian  did  all  he  could  for  his  friends  and  the  fact  that  he  was  now  actively  avoiding  them  was  worrying.  "i  haven't  ...  he's  not  come  by  here  either."

it was a frail ceasefire, tied together on the middle of the table by two hands not knowing how to comfort or accept it. their progress was small, but ash still felt hopeful in thinking that foster might realise that they weren't out to taunt or scold them. they just wanted to listen. "she wasn't too good for you, foster," ash replied, maybe a bit more harshly than they intended. "she was different from you. and good for you. i'm not saying she's not great because she is, i really loved hanging out with her. but it feels as if you went in with the attitude of knowing you were gonna lose her." it always scared ash to speak this plainly, but they also wanted foster to realise that he wasn't the lesser one in the relationship, or in life. they cared about him a lot and wanted him to work through whatever trauma he had gone through with his ex. but foster had never seemed like the person that liked to talk openly about his issues. hopefully he knew that ash only meant well and didn't intend to hurt him.

ash nodded in satisfaction when leo complied, and leaned back against their couch. they knew that leo didn't really care about what the said and how it sounded, but ash still felt protective of their sister, deep down. they knew that it was fucked up, because ash had had to run away and grace had come out of it unscathed and looking just as put together as usual. it felt unfair, but then again, the connors had never cared about fair. only image and reputation. the issue at hand was this: leo wasn't one to give compliments and ash wasn't comfortable receiving them. so when they outright told them exactly what he felt ash felt their eyes mist over again. hearing themself be described as strong was such a strange thing, because all they'd ever seen themself as was desperate. that situation was just ash needing to get out and not knowing how to except crossing the ocean to another continent. "thank you," they mumbled softly, feeling both touched and embarrassed at the praise they had been given. a small, croaked out laugh broke through the silence as leo focused on the obvious most important part. "it was to latte love. she thought i looked like i needed a handout apparently. she's very thoughtful that way." ash downed the shot, letting out a pained groan when the alcohol burned, and leaned over to give leo a big kiss on his forehead. "i do love you," they replied, "you're an asshole, but you're my asshole. don't," they added quickly, "overthink that statement. i heard it as soon as i said it. let's just take it for what it was." they grabbed the bottle from leo's hands as soon as he'd taken a sip, following his lead. "let's forget about all our issues now. it's you and me, little lion. you and me.""

𝐅𝐎𝐑: @ashvvilliams

it was a soft love that ash held for their friend. at first there had been potential for more, but it kind of fizzled out in the sand before it even began. ash didn't really know why, but it had happened nonetheless. ash liked where they had ended up. there was a sweetness that trailed back and forth between them, and ash needed sweetness in their life. hopefully ari felt the same way about them, knew that she could come with anything that bothered them and ash would try and help as best they could. they knew ari wasn't ready yet, but when she was ash would be there. "raid and kill old man tom, noted," ash said, deadpan, knowing full well no mention of death had been brought up. "i know what he has and how much. there's no way he needs forty two rolls of toilet paper and fifteen toothbrushes at once. with him we'll be safe." the mention of ari's new studio made ash's ears perk up, and they sat up a bit straighter, but not enough to jostle them too much. "it's set up ? how have i only heard about this now ? ari, you told me you'd tell me the minute finishing touches were finished. we've spent how many hours on this couch ? we could've been in rochester." it was all teasing in good fun because ash suspected ari might need to get her mind on something else.

Dahlia held on to Ash tighter as their words continued to come out in shaky breaths. Every broken sentence felt like a stab to the heart, and all she wanted to do was absorb their pain and take it away. She rubbed soothing circles on their back, trying what she could to keep them grounded and in the present moment. “It’s okay,” she whispered, careful not to be too loud or move too suddenly. “It’s okay to feel all of that, Ash. It’s human.” She could feel Ash trembling in her arm – sadness, fear and anger swirling within them – and just held on tighter. Dahlia was genuinely surprised they hadn’t protested yet. She pulled back just enough to look into their tear-streaked face, her hands still gripping them by their arms. “You don’t have to make sense of any of it right now. The important thing is I am here with you and I love you. I will protect you because you’re my family,” Dahlia whispered fiercely. She studied their face, taking in their features and thinking back to when she first met them. Ash had come so far, and no one, not even some estranged sister of theirs was going to take that away from them. Not if Dahlia had anything to say about it. She offered Ash a small, encouraging smile. “We will figure this out together. I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone. We’ll come up with a plan and take it one step at a time.”

THREAD COMPLETE !

it seemed as if they'd reached an impasse. ash could tell that juno was struggling with what saying next. ash liked juno well enough, but they didn't know ash and it felt slightly insulting when they assumed to know the way they worked. it almost felt as if juno operated on the reality that what they thought about the world was the only correct outlook. ash knew, logically, that it wasn't true, but they weren't in the mood to try and rationalise it. they wanted to drink and forget about their sister haunting the town they had sought refuge in. ash took a quick look around the bar, taking in the drunk patrons and worn out decor. it was not exactly what they would think of as calming. ash thought it was the same as any bar, just a little rougher around the edges. "i guess we have a different outlook on it," they replied slowly. the words seemed to insinuate something, but ash couldn't for the life of them put together what juno was referring to. the look given to them seemed expectant, as if they waited for ash to accept their offer. something clicked. "are you offering me drugs ?" ash asked bluntly, voice a hushed in the crowded bar.

clem was as bold as ever, and even though ash tried to keep up she always ran around them in circles. sometimes ash wondered if she just said things for the shock factor of it all. ash thought she did a fucking stellar job regardless. "christ, you love flustering me, don't you ?" they asked, hiding their expression behind their choppy fringe. "but sure, i'll bite. you can come down my fire escape any time." it was ridiculous, but they figured clem would appreciate the dramatics of it all. the terrible british accent didn't distract from the cloud of worry that had been following ash around for ... well, the past decade if they were being honest. "over the pond, indeed ... i don't know what they're doing here, but for some reason bh seem to attract brits from the london area." there were several of them, which seemed ironic in more ways than one. ash, roman ... grace. "honestly ? i don't know. i've had a rough couple of days but i think it's better now." in an attempt to lighten the mood, "well, until i heard you were getting married to peeping paul and i wasn't invited to the wedding. is it because he knows you're head over heels for me and don't want any drama on the big day ?" ash took another bite of chocolate and matched her exaggerated british accent from before. "tell me the truth, clem. is it so ?"

“My name’s Valentine,” they said, rubbing the nape of their neck, “I swear I’d seen you before.” Delivered with a playful cadence, though their words had carried some undercurrent of truth. Familiar features. The color, the form, the place, however, they were all wrong. “But I thought—ah, I’d never forget a face like yours.”

ash knew that they didn't look it, had gone to great lengths to separate themself from that part of their life. the stranger couldn't possibly know the weight of that question, but it was kind of ironic from ash's point of view. "let's just say i've had to deal with them enough to last a lifetime." it wasn't a lie. the countless dinners forced into dresses they didn't like, hair styled in a way that felt like it belonged to a stranger. i'm being flirted with. the thought struck ash suddenly, somewhere between the stacking of cans and a teasing question it was becoming clear that valentine had at least some interest in them. it might've been obvious, given the whole ... lurking, but the blush on valentine's cheeks made it even more obvious. ash usually wouldn't go forward with it, but there was something in them that told them it would be good. "it might've been." listening to valentine, hearing them say ash looked like someone they'd seen before, ash felt that familiar twinge of panic. however, it was quickly replaced by a warm fluttering as another flirty line quickly followed. "oh, i'm sure you say that to everyone. and i should be saying that to you."

EVEN THOUGH THEY KNEW LEO MEANT WELL, ash couldn't really appreciate the way they went about it. "don't call my sister a cunt," ash reprimanded with a smack across his head. even if she was awful at the best of times, she was still their sister. "repeat after me: we don't talk about women that way." they waited to for leo to do as told and "no, i'm certain. she gave me a fucking gift card, leo. out of pity. she thought i looked like i needed a handout to get through the day." the compliment warmed them, but it was a surface warmth rather than the bone deep one leo usually gave them. "i was so different back then. unmemorable and forgettable." they let out a humourless laugh. "it sounds like i'm looking for pity but it's true. i needed to be as small as possible to survive." they leaned into leo's embrace, seeking comfort and belonging that they rarely felt with other people. leo always came prepared with a plan. the plan was almost always shite, but they at least did the assignment asked of them. so ash wasn't surprised as he began pulling bottle after bottle out of their bag. "grace," they said, voice muted compared to the clinking of glass. "grace connor." there was no time to get stuck on it as leo unabashedly invited himself over for the foreseeable future. ash couldn't think of a reason to decline. it felt silly to get emotional over a shot glass, a stolen one at that, but ash felt their lips quiver at the awful looking thing and they grabbed it with a small smile directed at leo. "you're the fucking worst," they sniffled. "give me everything and then some more." they held out the glass, indicating that it was time to pour something into it, christen it in a way.