A letter to Josh
Fiercely independent to depending on someone. For their time, energy, trust and love. It takes a special type of person to walse into my life. Maybe it’s all I’ve ever really wanted. To have a love I have read so many times in about in booked, felt shives running down my spine when seeing it in movies or in the streets. A love so fierce that it burns every time you touch one another. Yet as my mother indicates we have a tendency to pick up the strays because we are so caring and loyal. There is a difficult go between, between being fiercely independent and challenging yourself to be independently together. To go from trusting yourself and being a role model to others because of your independence and self-sufficiency, to becoming dependent on someone’s confirmation of a date or hanging on their every word they have, or will utter.
Feeling sick to one’s stomach, because deep down you have a massive insecurity that all of this independence and security you have created in being a strong female leader has made you unlovable because you give off the look that you are too strong, too fierce and too competitive.
In the last two months, you’ve taught me a lot about myself and what it feels like to be wanted, and I can’t thank you enough for that. How early morning entanglements with soft kisses and nose touches became part of my routine and how that closeness can make one feel so safe and warm. How you ran up to me at Dave’s mates place and planted a gazillion kisses on my cheek or how we made out in the kitchen after creating absolute havoc with their oranges, how after we first pulled you said, ‘damn I’ve been waiting to do that for a long time’ and how after I came back from Cape Town and you admitted that you not only missed hooking up, but that you actually missed me. You should never stop giving people butterfly kisses after sex, pulling people in tighter when you’re cuddling them and doing your big goofy smile. These small moments, although are probably more than you ever wanted and needed to know, had an Impact on my perspectives of myself and how I view certain aspects of a relationship.
In short thank you for showing me that part of myself I did not knew existed. For showing me what the beginning of love can feel like, for showing me that that is, what I want, what I need and where I fall short. But, fuck you for making me feel like I was not enough, for not being mature enough to have that conversation with me and for making me feel so insecure that it made me physically ill.
That being said, I have learnt for the first time in my life, that I can be jealous, I can be needy, and I can be insecure. Overall, it has been a great experience and a massive learning curve for us both. I will miss you dearly and I wish you nothing but the best.
P.S. I honestly think that you have made the decision to end us is based on the fact that you are insecure about not being good enough for me, even though you always were. Good luck finding someone better.
