βHumans are such a pathetic little thingβ, the Ambassador of Elriene said, on her all-mighty, echoing voice. βAlways trying to show off, to look better than the pathetic, soft, flesh creatures they truly areβ.
The flames of the broken ship were getting bigger, hungrier, consuming whatever they could. A precise, surprise attack to get more treasures.
The Ambassador played with the crystal ball on her hand, watching as it glew with sunlight. All the aliens below her lowered their eyes, terrified of her wrath. For the Ambassador, this was all but another day of work, conquering and taking everything the Land of Elriene deemed below them. And she was their terrifying, beautiful beast.
βHumans are a plagueβ, she said, sounding like a whisper. βA crooked, evil plague. They take what they want, they leave sickness behind. They do not care about any of you, for their greed is far stronger than any sense of love. You are all lucky for having me there; otherwise, your little humans would for sure destroyed you in order to survive this deathworld you crashed inβ.
Then, like she wanted to make her cruel joke come to a conclusion, she turned to one of her guards. He immediately grabbed one of the three humans that were lying on the ground, tossing him to the Ambassadorβs front.
The earthling whispered curses as he raised his head, staring into her cold eyes.
βPathetic thingβ, she said. βWhat are you going to tell me? That deep down, you humans are all good? Or, mayhaps, that even if you are indeed cruel, you still chose to be good, to be better?β
The man blinked. On the other side, the crew watched with horror, not being able to do anything else but pray that a miracle would happen.
He took a deep breath, then. The Ambassador always made sure to show everyone in the entire Universe of the last words her enemies would say, making sure that even the brighest cry of hope sounded more like a pathetic whimper of a fool.
βNoβ, the human whispered.
The Ambassador was smiling. Of course she was; she had won. No human survives the anger of the Land of Elriene.
βI was going to say that youβre a moron and that Iβm going to hunt your ass down to the ends of the Universe.
But all humans made sure to make a spetacle.
She was more annoyed than surprised. That whole ideal was like a vermin being annoying to the good, righteous gardener, who always worked hard to keep the place clean and beautiful.
βCanβt understand something simple like being called a moron?β, he added, smiling menacingly. βDamn, your guards must pity you so much, they canβt even say something as obvious as that. Sorry for themβ.
βWhat an interesting insect we have hereβ¦β.
βIβm a mammalian, actually. Werenβt you a human hunter? You kind of need to know this sort of stuffβ.
βCareful, Brian!β, a second human, Dominique, rose their voice, dark eyes gleeming with delight. βI donβt think she can understand that. Her planet doesnβt have many mammaliansβ.
βOh, sorry for that, girlβ, Brian procceeded, apologising with a head nod. βHuman education is kinda different. I thought that, since you hated humans so much, you would know moreβ.
The Ambassador looked at the twoβ¦ Gremlins. Yes, the precise word! Bad, nasty, pesky gremlins! She raised her head, too disgusted to look at them in the face: βI know what a βmammalianβ is. I simply did not comprehend just how stupid you could be. And here I was, actually being careful with my plans! Vermin like you-β
βMammalianβ, the third and final human, AntΓ΄nia, corrected her.
βVermin like youβ, the Ambassador insisted. βShould die. Just like the way your planet diedβ.
βWe brought Earth back, though?β, Brian asked. βThatβs basic human historyβ.
βWhat if she canβt read human books?β, AntΓ΄nia suggested. βPoor girl! You should get yourself a translator. They are really cool. I use one!β
The trio shut themselves, looking at the all-mighty, foolish Ambassador. With a skin glowing in pure blue, she floated to be above them all, tossing the crystal ball to one of her guards.
βOff with themβ, was her order. βGet them out of my sights. Show these foolish ones our exterminating jobβ.
Everyone turned to look at Dominique, who, tied up, jumped and rolled around until they could be in front of their fellow humans, pathetically trying to clap their hands.
βMe first!β, they asked.
The Ambassador rolled her eyes. βShoot her in the armsβ.
Brian could see the rest of their crew looking at them in horror. They whispered and begged for some kind of mercy, but the cruel Ambassador simply did not care. With the brevity of a blink, a shot was fired.
The aliens screamed. The humans did not.
βUhβ¦β, one of the guards whispered. βMaβamβ¦ Isnβt human blood supposed to be a darker red?β
Dominique shrugged, looking at their (prosthetic) arm splattered in the ground, a neon shade of red coming out of it, becoming strange, unusual tones as it spread around.
βMaβam, Ambassador, girl, friendβ, the human shouted. βDidnβt you know there is more than one type of human?β
βYeah!β, Brian agreed. βThereβs thirty-seven types of humans aroundβ.
βDominique here is kind of undead. They will rise from the grave and eat your flesh if you keep messing around with our crew!β, AntΓ΄nia added, smiling. βApproach me, and Iβll tear your arms out with my silver teeth!β
She opened her mouth, showing shiny pieces of metal decorating her yellowed teeth, with a single string connecting them all. The Ambassador, never hearing of a basic thing such as braces, made a horrified, disgusting noise.
All the aliens from the Land of Elriene were allergic to silver.
βI-is that true, maβam?!β, one of the guards asked their leader, horrified.
βN-no!β, but that did not sound like someone was sure of herself.
βAND I TELL YOU MORE!β, Brian shouted, awkwardly getting up. βMess with me, and my ancestors are going to hunt you down even after death!β
βP-prove it, thenβ, the Ambassador said.
The man immediately made the most horrifying, awful, ear-shattering noise he possibly could, shaking his head around to immitate both an elrienean being mauled by a predator, and a person being possessed in an horror flick.
Brian jumped around, screaming and shaking himself, before throwing himself to the ground.
Like the vermin the Ambassador believed all humans to be, he crawled his way towards her, laughing.
βfooOooOoOOOLISH c RE aTUREβ, he whispered. βdARES TO HURT OUR COMPANIONS?β
Dominique and AntΓ΄nia blinked at their friend when the Ambassador kicked him in the face with a scream.
βGet out of me!β, she ordered, watching as Brian fell to the ground andβ¦
βIF WE ARE VERMIN, WE ARE PARASITE. IF WE ARE PARASITE, YOU ARE OUR HOSTβ, he continued, ignoring Dominique awkwardly trying to hold him close. βAND WE ARE HUNGRYβ.
The Ambassador screamed with horror, along all the guards. AntΓ΄nia got up, showing off her (fake) silver teeth, and they all immediately started to run.
Dominique threw their prosthetic arm to the invaderβs direction, warranting a scream. The Ambassador dropped the crystal ball, cursing as she ran away from the βpossessed, daemonic parasiteβ, completely ignoring Brian coughing as he tried to recover from his own acting.
When the invaders escaped in their ship, everyone looked at the trio.
The humans smiled, of course, and shared a high-five.
βAnd thatβs why you donβt mess with actorsβ.