Bitter Sweet

DEVEREUX TASKS; @devereuxtasks

Ash would have texted before showing up at Beckett's had she not realized yesterday morning that she'd drunkenly texted him some time before losing her phone in the bathroom for the night. Things were messy but she had allowed them to be, just for the weekend. Though it wasn't the weekend anymore and it was time to take some action in the control over her own life. Taking her time getting here, Ash wasn't yet sure she'd fully made up her mind and she cycled through the same thoughts over and over before reaching the Dominant's door. There was no hiding or rushing getting there, Beckett was safe. A Smythe and a Legacy, Hunter wouldn't bother her for spending time with him and it was a relief and infuriating at the same time. Ash knelt, fixing her skirt hem from falling beneath her knee as she situated herself and knocked.

Beckett wasn't sure of what Ash might need to ask him, when thinking of it he completely fell short beyond her asking him to continue with their usual days together. However, considering that he hadn't told her they would be stopping them, it seemed silly of her to ask. Shrugging off the attempt to come to his own conclusions, instead choosing to wait to hear what Ash had to say, Beckett had enjoyed the remainder of the Mexico trip. Monday morning and afternoon consisted a lot of ensuring that his bags were unpacked and put in the laundry, so that he wouldn't have to worry about it moving forward. Hearing the knock on the door, Beckett made his way to open it up and stepped aside. "Good girl, Ash. Come on in." When she entered, he shut the door behind her, rolling up his sleeves.

Silently, the submissive rose to her feet and entered. After a while Ash had become comfortable enough with Beckett that she didn't feel out of place in his space. In fact, after feeling out of sorts and drowning herself in alcohol the entire weekend being in the Dominant's space actually brought a sense of calm. Ash watched him rolling his sleeves up, a sight she'd seen many times at this point and typically a dead give away she should begin bracing herself for play but the submissive wasn't sure she wanted to get into her maintenance before speaking with Beckett. Though Ash knew she had a big ask and wouldn't take his response personally should it not be favorable, she knew rejection would be much more gutting if she'd allowed her guard down and had slipped into a headspace that wasn't clear enough to be having serious conversations in first. "Did you have a good trip, Sir?" She asked, forcing herself into pleasantries as a way to avoid what she was really there for this time.

When Ash began to ask him how his trip was, instead of immediately getting into the play that usually occurred when she came to his suite, he sobered just a bit more. This conversation and question would mostly likely be a precursor to the maintenance punishment. Or perhaps would come in place of the maintenance punishment. He gestured for her to follow him through the suite, and lead her over to the couch and claimed a seat. "The trip was very enjoyable. I found the itinerary and the options to be well thought out. Though there were times when I was a bit overwhelmed by the constant amount of people that I was introduced to throughout the days." Beckett preferred sticking to people that he knew, there was a comfort in it, but he was also aware of the fact that there were times when that wasn't possible; especially considering the fact that Charlotte enjoyed speaking to so many people. "And how was your quiet week on campus?" Beckett questioned, wondering if this would help ease her into her own reasons for being there.

"Overwhelmed by people, how unrelatable." Ash commented with sarcasm as she followed. For a moment in the other room she hesitated, unsure if she wanted to sit or kneel. Ash didn't want this to seem like begging. Ultimately it felt better setting herself beside the couch than on it but in compromise with herself on it she sat back on her heels rather than any traditional pose. "It was great. Good." She lied automatically. Ash had at least had a mind to show up sober. She'd sat through her classes and took the longest bath of her life simply to soak and keep herself distracted. The thinned out presence on the campus had come as a comfort through the drama that had unfolded for her personally but she didn't want to get into that. Not all of it anyhow. She cleared her throat, only able to do so much small talk before getting to the point. There was no better way to go about it that to just get to it. "Do you remember how you owe me a favor?" She began, thinking it the wisest place to start.

"I know. It's something that you can't understand. You've always been so at ease in crowds of people." Beckett mused, eyes on Ash as she stood for a moment before settling beside the couch. Her words fell a little bit flat when she said that she had had a good week. There was something going on with her, something that had caused her to message him while she was drunk, expressing a need to ask him something. At the mention of the favor he owed, he let out an even breath and then nodded. "Yes, I do remember. Is it about time for you to cash it in?" The Dominant questioned, though it would be the only reason to bring it up. He sat up a bit straighter, a strange sort of tension filling the room. Ash going with him to the fundraiser had helped his mother get off of his back for that short amount of time and it had made the night much easier to swallow, and so of course he was willing to offer something in return. What she would ask of him was the slightly worrying part.

Ash rest her hands at the top of her thighs and balled them into fists as she thought. She couldn't believe she was even about to ask him for this. Blue eyes scanned over the Dominant's face once, and then again. His words replaying through her mind; If you need help, we can figure something out. "Its... more than returning a favor." Ash warned honestly. The problem was she'd burned off her rage through the weekend and all she was left with was this annoying persistent sadness and the urge to call the one person she absolutely couldn't. Ash raised her eyes toward the ceiling, her jaw going tight as she stubbornly fought the blurring in her eyes. She was not going to cry through this, that would feel far too pathetic. A deep breath later the submissive steadied herself. "I helped you because I understand how your family is..." Alexander Smythe was one of the absolute worst people Ash had ever met and she could only imagine the pressures he put on his sons. Enough that it was keeping one brother in the closet and the other permanently outcast as the black sheep. "So I know you get it and I just..." Ash's voice wavered and she hated herself for it. "I'm so tired of this, I can't be apart of it anymore. I can't... I was going to just let it happen--whoever he chose. But I won't be... I'm not going to stay trapped in this toxic bullshit forever." Ash shook her head, panic seeping into an uncharacteristic flow of words.  "And they're all the same type of entitled self serving egomaniacs. Not that I'm allowed to have a name. I don't... I don't know what I'm going to do but I know I need more time. All I really want is time."

When Ash said that it was more than returning a favor, he felt something in his chest tighten. He leaned forward a bit towards her, just wanting to show that he was present, focused, and listening to what she had to say. He didn't cut in at all, letting Ash get through whatever struggles and battles she was having in her own head. Him speaking up or speaking over her wouldn't help her get her thoughts out any quicker or any easier. He blinked slowly and nodded in affirmation when the mention of his family was brought up. Of course there were some similarities between his family and the Clarington family, and so in some ways there was a bit of an alliance forged without it exactly being named. And he had figured, that with the favor on top, it had been the main reason for Ash to help. As she began to discuss how she was feeling surrounding the situation that her family was putting her in and how she needed to break out of it, Beckett had a strong feeling that he knew what direction this was going in. It was a complicated thing to ask. Because of course he wanted to help. If Ash wasn't even being given a name in regards to who they were going to pair her off with, that didn't bode well. And he could play a part in helping her, like he'd said he would. But Charlotte was in the equation and while he knew what he needed to do, he didn't know how she would take it, and it could mean her walking away. "You need time....and I can give you time."

"Just time." Ash stressed. Everything about this was making her feel nauseous and though Beckett seemed to realize what she was getting at that didn't lift the growing panic that was springing out from the center of her chest. Ash crossed her arms to squeeze at herself, as if the pressure building in her could cause her to burst. "Sir, do you think..." She started and then stalled. "Would it be too much if I asked..." The submissive rocked forward and then back again to resettle, considering getting to her feet so that she could pace. Ash pulled herself together enough to actually look at Beckett, pushing through it. "A trial would buy me a few months but I'm not asking you to claim me. I would never ask that... I'm... " Her breathing had grown more labored and she swore under her breath, tugging at the collar of her shirt around her neck to try and help ease away the desire to throw up whatever she'd managed to make herself eat earlier in the day. "I don't even think I'm ready to be claimed again." And that was the real problem. Ash could blame her inaction toward finding a suitable claim on falling for someone she wasn't supposed to and putting it off but the truth was, she was terrified.

"Breathe, Ash. Just breathe. A trial claim is something that we can manage. You and I together." Beckett agreed, eyes never leaving the submissive. This was too important to be wishy washy about meanings or allow anything to get misconstrued for either one of them. "I need to ask a question about your families expectations." He cleared his throat, pushing aside anything outside of what he and Ash needed to figure out in this moment. There would be consequences, and those consequences could end with him losing something...someone...that could make him really happy. But this was important, he couldn't see himself not helping. "Your timeline. Are they expecting you to be in a trial claim by the time this semester is over? Or are they simply expecting you to have someone that's possible with?" He was sure he knew what the answer would be, but he needed to be clear.

Him telling her to breathe was annoying, she'd nearly rolled her eyes but she took in a few long breaths anyway and despite her irritation, it did help. Ash slowed herself down and ran a hand through her hair to push it back from her face. Beckett was agreeing but somehow it wasn't entirely making her feel very much better. "On paper by August 31st, Sir" She gave a quiet scoffed, amused with the idea even in the midst of her emotional upheaval. "My word wouldn't mean anything to them." Technically for good reason seeing as even on paper she was managing to create a lie. Then again, the submissive was backed into a corner. There weren't many options left that didn't involve taking people she cared for down with her. Something Ash was absolutely not doing.

He nodded when Ash said that it was being expected on paper by August 31st. That gave them a month to sell it. It wasn't a hell of a lot of time, but it would have to do. "We'll make sure that it's in before that then." Beckett assured her, wondering what the hell he was getting himself into. "We'll have to work on rules, expectations from the both of us, and figure out how we're going to make people believe it. I don't think it will be as simple as just putting the paper work in when the timeline is so close. I'm sure your family will have questions. I'm sure Hunter will have questions...and opinions." Beckett mused, glancing away before he looked back at the submissive. "But we will. You'll have time."

There was a lot of we coming out of his mouth and Ash found it to be a relief but also, unsettling. In truth she would be whatever he wanted her to be in gratitude for this. It was above and beyond the favor he'd owed. Though she assumed, for a while at least, the arrangement would benefit Beckett in getting his parents off his back for a while as well. Ash didn't think there would be many questions from her end. Beckett had been on Hunter's list and she'd done probably exactly what her Brother had wanted her to. Get to know him, secure a claim. Her stomach twisted again. Rising up further on her knees, Ash reached out to place her hand on Beckett's leg, asking for his attention. "Are you sure, Sir?" She felt compelled to ask it even though she knew it wasn't as if she could force the Dominant into anything at all.

His one hand grasped hers for a moment as it rested on his leg and the other brushed some hair back away from her face as he nodded. "I'm sure." He knew this was going to throw a wrench in things that he had planned, but he just hoped that it would work out for Ash and for him at the end of this. "Obviously I'm not going to parade around telling people about the fact that this isn't...that we aren't....but I do have one person that I need to tell." He wanted to be honest with Ash about this, just as he needed to be honest with Charlotte as well. The conversation with the blonde wouldn't be easy and he certainly wasn't looking forward to it.

Ash cringed at the idea of anyone knowing the truth. She didn't trust anyone to not be in league with her Brother. He always somehow knew everything as it was, without it being entrusted to people she didn't know. She nodded though, understanding. If there was someone Beckett was involved with he deserved to be able to tell them this. Ash didn't want to get in the way of anything and she wasn't about to ask Beckett for anything more than what she had already. The submissive paused a moment then, realizing for the first time in a long time she didn't feel the arranged claim hanging immediately over her head. Her eyes filled again but this time she didn't have the energy to be angry about it. Ash quietly wiped at her cheeks, making sure there were no tears on her face when she looked back up at the Dominant. "Can we please do what we usually do when I come over now, please, Sir?" If Ash had been aching for the abrupt stinging of his hand colliding with her skin before she wanted it doubly so now. Too full of thinking and feeling, both things she'd rather not be doing.

When she nodded, he let that loosen a know in his stomach, though he knew it wouldn't be that way for long. When she asked for more, for the usual, Beckett breathed out deeply. "We have a lot more that we need to talk about, Ash." He began, eyes scanning over her face. He knew what this time was for Ash, at least in some way, and hoped that the feeling of it would help ground her further. "But yes, for now we can do what you usually come to me for." Beckett agreed, easing back and finishing up the rolling up of his sleeves.

ASH: Mom... you’ve called me five times, are you okay?

JULIA: Why aren’t you answering, is everything alright? Your brother called. 

ASH: He what?

JULIA: Please, Ash, I don’t know what is going on between the two of you but you know it’s best to keep him peaceful. 

ASH: It’s not my job to appease him. 

JULIA: Ashley you know how---

ASH: Mom. 

JULIA: Sorry sweetheart, I’m only worried. He sounded incredibly upset. 

ASH: I don’t really care. 

JULIA: He asked me to speak with you. 

ASH: Of course he did. 

JULIA: It’s only an apology. It’s easier to just... it’s easier to just obey them, you know that. Especially when he is in one of his moods like this. 

ASH: Honestly Mom, for fucks sake, I didn’t do anything to him. He’s the psycho ruining lives. 

JULIA: What do you mean?

ASH: Nothing. Never mind. 

JULIA: Ash...

ASH: Is this all you needed?

JULIA: Your brother’s threats are never empty and I’m very glad he called me and not your Father. Master would not like to hearing the two of you are fighting again. 

ASH: As if he’d care.

JULIA: He cares about our Legacy there. A disruption won’t likely be tolerated and I do fear with the slightest pressure Hunter might---

ASH: Mom, stop. I’ll talk to him. 

JULIA: He made it very clear he wants an apology. 

ASH: I’ll apologize. 

JULIA: Oh thank you sweetheart, I know it wont be much trouble. It’s simply better this way. 

ASH: Whatever. 

JULIA: I hope you’re doing well, with everything. 

ASH: I’m great. Look, I have to go

JULIA: Alright, Ash. Please don’t forget Hunter is expecting to hear from you. 

ASH: Bye. 

JULIA: Goodbye honey, I love you. 

The texts were sudden and Ash knew right away that something was off. Her fears about Hunter’s possible involvement in Dani’s crashed plans had been circulating her mind. Even as she went the long way around campus so sneak into the back of the Dominant building, careful to keep out of anyone’s view, she wasn’t allowing it to form as a complete possibility. Kneeling quickly and knocking rapidly, Ash slipped right in when the door was opened and she took a moment to observe Dani, trying to sort out what could possibly happen out of the Domme’s mood. Dani had assured her, knowing probably that she’d need to hear something like it to ease at inevitable nerves around certain moods. She hovered by the door, unsure how exactly to interject. “He gave you flowers?” Ash asked, more confused at the sight of the slightly battered bouquet.

Dani had never intended to let Ash know what had really happened.  It didn't matter, because it didn't change anything.  But she was beyond furious, beyond angry, and she couldn't hold that in anymore.  When she opened the door for the kneeling submissive it was with a scowl she couldn't quite wipe off.  "Flowers and a card," Dani handed it over, pacing the room.  "He warned me.  I told him to fuck himself.  He came at me sideways, and I should have seen it coming."

Ash suddenly felt like she could taste copper, nausea springing up into her throat. She swallowed against it. “He warned you? When?” That wasn’t the correct next question but her brow had furrowed and she was angry. This was what she had been trying to avoid and she had obviously been failing. Being in the Dominant’s room just then felt overwhelmingly risky. “You didn’t tell me about that.”

Dani shook her head.  "No, I didn't.  Because it didn't matter.  I don't give a tin shit about what he has to say, or his warnings.  All it would have done is make you feel bad, or worry you, and you deserved better than that.  He told me to stay away from you.  and I told him exactly what I thought of that idea.  So he came at me like a bitch and got the tour cancelled.  It is what it is.  But I am going to nail these flowers to his door, with a card of my own.  Because I don't give in to bullies.  Never have, never fucking will."

The Dominant’s entire tour, opportunities and connections Ash was sure she knew nothing about, gone. All because she couldn’t control her urge to see Dani. She had drawn the line and attempted to stick to it but Ash thought she was being so careful. Had she know Hunter approached Dani the submissive would have already put an end to whatever they weren’t admitting this was. Ash’s fists balled at her sides and she tucked them under her elbows, drawing her arms around herself. “You should have told me that, Miss.” She said, her tone tempered and short. “It’s not about… bullies. You don’t know what he is capable of and now… now “ she shook her head. “I knew this would happen. “

Dani shook her head defiantly.  "I don't care, Ash.  I don't care.  I slept on the street because someone tried to tell me who I was and who I was allowed to be and care about.  If I sleep on the street again, so be it.  Because short of bumping me off, there's not a damn thing in the world Hunter Clarington can do to define who I am.  I decide that.  Me, and me alone.  And who I am is a person who wants you in her life.  Whatever that costs.  Because your happiness is as important to me as mine."

Ash couldn’t decide what to do with herself, she wanted to sit down but she also felt the need to flee. So she stood still. “No.” Ash said, her head shaking again. “That’s it exactly. You’ve already been through so much. And I’m not about to let him put you through anything else because he just feels like he can.” I’m no good for you, Ash thought, holding it on her tongue for a moment. She moved forward, finally entering into the room and carefully approached. “I’m really sorry he ruined everything you needed for the tour, Miss.” her arms coming up around the Dominant as she moved into her space.

"That's what bullies do, Ash.  He'll screw me over if I see you and he'll keep screwing me over until I'm far enough away for his liking, and I refuse to give him that much power over me."  Feeling some of the burning rage drain out of her, she wrapped her arms around Ash in turn and sighed.  "It's just a tour, gorgeous.  A few shows in little bars in small towns.  There's always another chance for something like that.  Right now I'm going to work in town, send demos to a few agents, and see what kind of traction I can make that way.  And most importantly I'm going to be here with you for as long I can be."

Ash squeezed her eyes closed, and buried her face into Dani's shoulder as the Dominant spoke. "You're right, this would only be the start." Next could be anything. He could ruin her chances at a job here, somehow spoil her enrollment even, at this point Ash put nothing past him. It was always obvious that Hunter had his ways and pull over people but none more so than when he decided to take over the business and their father's rivals lives disintegrated before their eyes. It was baffling how he got away with everything---and terrifying. "And I can't do that. You know that I can't." Ash kept herself from saying that she wasn't worth it, the submissive could already imagine the protest. Words like that would only make Dani hold on to her tighter and that was not going to help. "I'm no good for you. I told you that. I'm... I'm so sorry, Miss. I should have been better at leaving you be like I said I would. This is my fault."

Ash's words were like a punch in the stomach, and Dani led her toward the couch to sit down.  "Ash.  I really need you to hear me here, okay?  None of this is your fault.  None of it.  Every time we've been together has been my choice.  Even knowing that your brother didn't like it, I never once wanted us not to be here just like this."  She shook her head.  "I know that you don't believe me.  I wish that you did.  But you're worth it.  And you are good for me.  And I wouldn't trade a moment.  If you make the choice to walk away, don't do it for my benefit.  Because I'm happy.  If I'm out on my ass in a week, I'm still happy.  As long as that week is with you."

It hurt more because it was obvious how much Dani meant that and Ash wished she could justify it the same way or that her mind wasn't already made up. Sitting only made her feel like there was space to unravel and her eyes immediately filled but Ash blinked them away and angrily wiped at her cheeks. "You have much more courage than I do, Miss." She admitted. Dani was strong, every story the Dominant had told Ash about her past made that clear but the submissive just wasn't. The idea of not crossing Hunter or her Father had been ingrained into her for a long time and there was no chance she would be allowing Dani to get wrapped up and pulled down with her. Ash lean her cheek against her palm, watching the Dominant as if she were imprinting her likeness to memory. "Once the new semester starts and I'm not around it wont be so difficult. And you don't feel how I feel, you'll get over this and graduate and find someone who isn't going to get you... hurt over and over again. You deserve so much that I'm not willing to jeopardize. At all."

"Courage.  Stubbornness.  I think it's been called both.  What's undeniable though, is that I'm courageous for the both of us.  That's why your brother didn't scare me off."  Reaching up, she gently rubbed the tears from under Ash's eyes.  "You're right.  I shouldn't speak on your feelings, because they're yours.  So I'll stick to mine.  When you're not here, I'm going to miss you more than you know.  And every time I'm out having a beer on the roof, every time I have a new song to play, you're the person I'll want to share that with.  No matter who you're with, no matter where you are.  Because to my mind, Ash," Dani's voice broke, and she shut her eyes.  "The only thing I deserve, if I'm worthy, is you."

Ash forced herself still under the touch to her face, knowing she should pull away but wanting to lean in. She swallowed the lump rising in her throat and resisted the urge to put her face in her hands instead of fighting the ache that was filling into her as Dani finished. Instead Ash reached out, her grasp finding the nearest part of the Dominant's clothes, and then her face. Ash climbed into her lap, straddling her waist and bit into her lip to keep from frowning. The submissive took a breath, sinking deeper into her new perch and then another to stabilize herself to speak. Except she didn't speak, holding Dani's expectant gaze for too long Ash just leaned in and pressed her lips to Dani's. Once, and then again, and then she was freeing herself of her shirt and begging with her eyes to be allowed to do the same for the Domme's as she gripped at its ends.

Dani hadn't at all expected Ash's reaction, but there was no way in hell that she would ever complain about it.  If what she was being given was one last time, then she would seize it with both hands and make it last as long as she possibly could.  A whimper escaped her lips as the other woman's shirt was lifted away, and the moment that silent permission was sought she granted it, lifting her arms to make it easier.  Every nerve in her body was screaming need, and before there was even time for her shirt to clear her head she was leaning forward for another kiss, frantic and full of teeth and tongue.  Dani wouldn't let anything interrupt them now, and if the world ended around the room it would just have to wait.

Every bit of clothing lost Ash pressed her body closer and closer, trying to be as near to Dani as possible. She fell under the Dominant's lead with ease and the couch turned to the floor, to the bedroom before either of them had a second to think about it. Lost in the moments of pretending everything wasn't how it was the submissive fell asleep sated and peacefully foggy in Dani's arms. When she woke she was still for a while, indulging in the quiet embrace they had held through their sleep and then carefully removed herself from it. Dressing in silence and only creepily hovering for a moment over the sleeping Dominant, Ash plucked an index card from the desk to pen a message, propping it on the night stand and slipped out before she had time to be weak enough to change her mind. 

" You've tried this before. Maybe next time just tell me you need it rougher. "          “ Maybe I just like it better when you're angry... " " But if you act up too much, then it won't be much of a spanking. You might just end up kneeling over there for me. "          “ No... please, I’m sorry, Sir. I’ll behave. ” 

ASH:  I just want to thank you for having time for me. I wouldn't want to add to your pile. BECKETT:  Spending time with you isn't a hardship, Ash.