Wreckless

For a long time I felt guilty for wanting to pursue something I was passionate about. It just sounds so gratuitous. I felt like I should want to work in finance. I felt guilty about taking a select spot, knowing full well I wasn’t passionate about it, in the place of all the other candidates who were rejected. I felt guilty that my family has given me everything, and I would waste it away by wanting to pursue a career that pays pennies. To be clear, that guilt never goes away. But what I also realized was that it’s a privilege to even be in this position. It’s an extraordinary position of privilege to be in. A position where you have the option of choice. And I realized this is the opportunity right here. And you’re wasting it away if you don’t act on it.

In the wise words of Denzel Washington himself: “It’s like when people talk about the difficulty of making a movie, and I’m like, send your son to Iraq, that’s truly difficult. It’s just a movie. It’s like relax. I don’t play that precious nonsense. Your son got shot in the face. That’s difficult. Making a movie is a luxury. It’s a gift, it’s an opportunity, but most importantly it’s a gift.”

2017 has been surprisingly off to a good start. I feel healthy, most importantly. I've been motivated and disciplined with my weekly workout schedule. I've cut out a good majority of the uselessness of social media. I've been drinking less and wasting less of my days partying. I've been trying to spend more on those I love, rather than shopping for myself. I've been getting up early and utilizing the most of my weekends. I've been meeting new people whose kindness and selflessness for some reason just makes me so happy to be around them. Despite how busy work is, I've began to really like the people I work with and manage my workload positively. I've made it a priority to keep in touch and rebuild old friendships personally. My relationship is still going strong despite the last 4 months of long distance. I've let go of the negative influences in my life, embracing the positives. For once, I feel harmoniously at peace and simply content. Just gotta keep it up.

True friendships are those that last through the passing of time, despite changes in character, personality, and disagreements. Friendships are equivalent to relationships- how strong they are is dependent on testing it through the lowest of lows and worst of times. The ability to compromise and communicate effectively of each other's thoughts and feelings is what contributes to success. What's a measurement based on pure fun and happy times? It's just surface level from there. Mad appreciation for those who've been there since day 1, literally.

Don't get me wrong I love reuniting with childhood friends, but it's a painful discovery to see how you've all changed in your own way, to go down your own path of life. Yet despite all these changes, one thing always remains consistent- the love of comparison. Why are we so centered comparing each other's lives as a form of validation for our own? Why is how much money we are all making a sign of how great or happy our life is? Why is the number of places you've traveled to a measure of how full your life is? Why is how expensive your purse is, your jewelry is, your clothes is any indication of how your life is better? Why does comparison not stop at our own expenses, but our significant others as well? Why should my significant others income, job, career matter to you? And most importantly, why do we continue to foster this traditional Chinese thinking of constant competition in the past generation, present generation, and future generation? Why can't we focus on our own lives and not use others to set a standard?

After all this, there's only one thing I can say and feel- I've truly, truly been blessed to be surrounded, to be born, and to live where the educated and the open minded are the majority.

In my second relationship, I brought these same negative traits into it. But yet through the passing of time, the inevitable happened- I changed. Through the patience, kindness, and optimism of my partner, I found myself calmer, happier with a more positive outlook on life, and learned to patiently wait as good things develop through time. A once seemingly impossible task, my 4 ugliest traits were mediated and combatted with the 4 most beautiful traits of my partner. And it wasn’t until contemplating during my lunch break right now that I realized that through him, I had changed into the better version of myself, someone who I thought had been lost long ago.

i grow by myself.

“Maturity is a byproduct of having experienced the world. I could not and cannot be angry that we both still had so much more to do and so much more to see. Young love can be doomed before it even begins.”

And what’s worse is, this transformation of love is so gradual and oftentimes subdued amongst the chaos of what we call a relationship, that it only becomes apparent in retrospect. And you wonder if you can ever forgive yourself for being so damn foolish and blind through it all.