DISCIPLINE, UNDEFIABLE.

ASCETICLIFE.

independent and private roleplay blog for APONIA, 3RD FLAMECHASER of mihoyo's HONKAI IMPACT 3RD. as mused by sinclair ( 21 ). crossover + oc friendly. low activity due to college + old laptop. please read rules before interacting.

the hostility isn't even met with a flinch. aponia's gentle smile remains on her face, as if it were stapled there. the questions being asked are reasonable enough. they are things she can answer, and answer she will. however... that weapon is a bit of a problem. she cannot give explanations if she is attacked. she is almost certain that once she starts, the other will only have more and more questions. questions that aponia won't really be able to answer if she's struck down. perhaps she is going about this the wrong way. perhaps not. raiden mei's appearance made an impact on her. an important one.

" please , " she speaks, " sit still. " her discipline isn't something so easily defied. has it ever been defied before ? it's been so long that aponia herself is unsure. well, regardless. it matters little in this situation. what matters is ensuring that there is no needless violence. if this woman cannot move, then there is nothing to worry about.

did she hurt mei... it isn't as clear cut as a yes or no. how to explain, how to explain.

thinking about how absolutely doomed aponia is. damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t. it doesn’t matter because regardless she will always be viewed as a monster. change fate and something awful happens. simply let things be and people will blame her for not trying to fix it since she can see the future. trying to become the author only to become an audience member, still helpless but now forced to only watch. god, it probably doesn’t help that like....70+ of the kids under her care died.

which leads me to think about how even amongst some of the flamechasers she’s demonized. it’s so fucked how her attempted kindness towards griseo is sometimes just. seen as Bad and yet she tries time and time again! she’s just trying to be kind to the child... rare moment of mama aponia... rare moment of aponia’s humanity...

this poor woman must demonize herself so much considered she was literally doomed from the start. nothing she could do would change anything and if she didn’t try, she’s just... hated for that too. and then the whole thing with sakura’s sister . girls when they have to sacrifice themselves and look towards the unknown in an attempt to maybe kinda sorta fix things. oughhhgh.

i think that aponia tries really really hard not to show humanity in the way of like... attachment and the like because she views herself as a monster and if she can’t get close to anyone, well, she can save them some of the pain that would be knowing that someone they know sees their fate and cannot/will not do anything to change it (lest it end up worse). 

that’s all to say that i believe when she gets properly attached to someone, she is quite possessive and protective because haha funny silly trauma and the ever present guilt of her sins. doesn’t matter if the person she’s attached to can protect themselves, she will absolutely do everything in her power to protect them. partially for them and partially for herself (because trauma and guilt). the possessiveness is also a result of not wanting them to be hurt. not that it’s particularly intense, but it’s noticeable. ill probably go into detail about that at a later time though.

also, huge soft spot for children. just to put that out there. 

hot beverage.

jarilo-vi is a cold, cold place. it is a world covered in snow and ice, in sleet and frost. belobog is warmer than it naturally should be, warm enough for some people to decide not to wear coats. things that would keep people protected from the elements. it's very curious, honestly. aponia can appreciate the technological advances. vill-v would've loved to look at the mechanisms these people have come up with. perhaps she would even be able to improve them. pyrotechnics was something she dabbled in more often than not. the warmth would be appreciated, she imagines.

speaking of warmth... gepard. gepard offers aponia warmth. to be able to get close with another human ( ah, it feels strange to even consider herself such a thing... with all her sins, she feels more honkai, more beast, than person ) after all this time. companionship is a rarity, even nowadays. it is her own fault, but that just makes this connection she's formed something she shall cherish even more. despite their bond aponia is still... distant, she will admit. a bit too stiff, not letting her posture fall for even a second. her words are still chosen carefully. fear. there is still fear within her. ah, how it hinders her. how it hinders them.

gepard makes her feel warm, and aponia wants to return the feeling. jarlio-vi is a cold, cold place. gepard is a silvermane guard, and that seems like it would put him closer to the sheer cold. keeping the people safe is his duty, and while the people of belobog likely offer him warmth... their warmth is not aponia's. their favors are not her own.

and thus, she works hard.

this isn't something aponia's done in a while. she feels uncharacteristically nervous. fear. there is still fear. she stands there, tall frame as straight as ever. her hands, however, are not clasped together as they usually would be. gentle smile ever-present, she waits. and when the man of the hour finally arrives, aponia's posture relaxes ever so slightly.

" gepard, " she speaks fondly, " for you. i... hope you enjoy. "