live for tonight

A part of her should have felt bothered, having to constantly prop herself up in front of a person that seemed hell-bent on protecting her but, then again, how could she fault him when she was constantly falling apart in front of him? She supposed she couldn’t really blame Ryan for thinking she was fragile, although she’d much rather call it having reached past her breaking point. Crying, though, it was still one of her least favorite experiences.

Her eyes met his, unflinching, a small wave of gratitude washing over her as he smiled. That was one thing she could count on, more often than not. Someone like Ryan should always be seen smiling. “Yeah,” she agreed, having lost touch with reality for a few seconds there while he held her, quickly giving a shake of her head. “I mean, thanks.” One of her hands squeezed around his waist, then, giving herself a more physical crutch so she could try and not stumble in front of the cameras.

It was what the tv show was for after all, wasn’t it? Finding people at their most vulnerable, their most exposed. Then showcasing it on a worldwide network, and letting strangers pick them apart. “I might hold on to your pants so you don’t leave,” she let out, perhaps more abruptly than necessary. Her cheeks colored, although she would blame that on the crying if he asked. Thinking of a half-naked Ryan, or thinking of undressing him, was not called for given their current status. They hadn’t reached that point again yet.

“I’m…” she paused, gaze focused on the doors instead of him, voice lowered so any housemates loitering about couldn’t overhear. “Been worse. Your… You, here… it helps?” Tee pursed her lips, trying to add more reassurance to her words. “It helps,” she repeated, then, glancing up at him. “Wouldn’t say no to… not talking yet, though.”

He chuckled softly at Tee’s next comment. “I can’t say I’d mind that.” He didn’t mean for the line to come out as forward as it did. Was it too much, would it be if Tee set the level that high to begin with? He didn’t know where the line was– he never did, but he was trying to let her guide him with this. While he knew for sure that he didn’t want to come across as just trying to get in her pants, he was still really into her and he couldn’t help that slipping through. He was expressive and while he didn’t always say much when he did he usually meant what he said.

Been worse, that wasn’t as reassuring as she hoped. He hated that she’d been worse, especially since the statement implied she still wasn’t okay now. “I’m glad I can help. I want to help you, in any way I can.” He was being honest, all he’d ever wanted to do was help her. To be the guy that made her smile and glow. She was a sight to behold that way.

He stayed quiet as she tried to gather her thoughts and explain what she wanted. “Okay, I can do that.” He took her by the hand, building her through the house while they snuck around quietly so as not to disturb or alert their housemates. He pulled her to a quiet corner of a room not being used, tossing away clutter to find them a nice spot to settle down against a few throw pillows. “How about right here?” He asked, pulling a blanket off the couch so they could snuggle up against each other nicely. He pulled the drapes and cracked open the window so they could get the sea breeze and a nice view.

“We don’t have to talk, I know you don’t want to.” He told her, taking her by the hands and pulling her onto the couch with him. We can just sit here if you want, stay in each others arms. I think I’d like that, if you would?”

“You’re so much better than I’ve ever deserved,” slipped out of her mouth, a thought that had only been always present whenever they spent time together. Vaguely embarrassed to have let him in on that, she could feel her cheeks starting to burn, and she clenched her fingers tighter around his, breathing out. It was all part of a process, letting herself feel more and more guilty for all of what she’d kept from him before. A misguided attempt to keep him away, probably.

It wasn’t until he relaxed against her, lips busy against each other’s, his hands occupied with keeping her in place, that she realized what the strange new feeling was. The mixture of comfort, safety and trust that became all that much clearer as she gave into it, let it take her wherever it wanted to. Ryan was someone she was willing to give up her need to micromanage everything for. Pass the baton on to him, maybe.

Tee let out a small noise, not one of displeasure, but her eyes fluttered open as she felt a tear slide down her cheek. That was a new experience, too, and one very likely to put an end to what they were up to right then. She fought against it, squeezing her eyes shut again and giving him more, more, eager to get back to where they were. Let him know, without speaking, that she wanted so much more than she was able to express. How her thoughts were so consumed with him she wouldn’t dare let go.

Maybe one day he’d talk to her about that, but for now he took solace in the feeling of her in his arms, their lips slowly gliding against each other. At least until he heard her make a small voice he couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t exactly what he was used to hearing from her when they made out, but she was still kissing him in what he felt was an enthusiastic manner. So he again didn’t think too much on it until he felt the dampness on his face. He knew their kisses could get sloppy but this was something else.

Pulling away at the same time Tee finally did, the first thing to catch his attention were her tears. Immediately his heart seized and every terrible though he’d ever had about himself or their breakup came rushing back in a flood. He was sure the cameras were zooming in right now, getting a close up of the fear and confusion written all over his face because what the hell just happened?

The smallest reassurance from Tee, a stuffy ‘I’m ok’ was enough to keep Ryan from going into a tailspin, though he wasn’t entirely convinced. He cupped her face and used the pads of his thumbs to wipe away her tears. Drier cheeks, red puffy eyes, a face he never wanted to see her wear. But he gave her a small smile anyway, trying to be the emotional support she needed for once. “Yeah, definitely, let’s go back inside.” Where they weren’t just standing on a cold beach at night with cameras pointed at them. They could at least be inside for this, maybe snuggle for a while.

He wrapped his arm around her, holding her close to his chest as he began to lead her up the steps from the beach and back inside. “We don’t have to talk. We don’t have to do anything. We can just go back inside and rest for a while.” He told her, not wanting to pressure her into revealing what was on her mind. They’d already had a rather emotional night. “I won’t leave though, unless you want me to.” He added, not wanting to leave the comfort he’d found by her side again. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?” He asked, not entirely convinced after that moment she’d had.

His presence everywhere was intoxicating, good enough to make her forget who she was, forget everything that wasn’t directly connected to his warmth, his solidness. The truth remained, she’d never been afraid of him, but only too entirely aware of how he made her feel… how likely she was to neglect anything besides him, if only to make those feelings last longer. To make him stay by her side, in some way.

She was tired of blaming him, of hiding, of blaming herself. Trying to rid herself of a nightmare that had been plaguing her for about half as long as she’d been alive, though, almost proved to be too much for the sake of a relationship. At least the first time around. However unprepared that she was, she was much less willing to let him go without a fight. That was probably one of the biggest reasons she pushed past her comfort zones, that constant and dizzying push and pull that she was putting him through.

Her lips parted to say something, some excuse that he would just accept, because that was the kind of person that he was, but she fell silent too quickly as his lips touched the back of her hand. It would’ve been cathartic, blurting it out, but still… it wasn’t the right moment. She was afraid, having just got him back, that throwing it at him right then and there might prove too much for anyone to handle.

She wasn’t leaving now, though. Their hands were still laced together, amazingly enough, and she was pulling him closer. That was everything. That was all the reassurances he needed to know that whatever was wrong, things were different this time. This time around maybe they would actually work through it, instead of dodging around the issue and saying everything except for what they needed to. He always prided himself on being honest. He always thought Tee was too. But if they didn’t say anything at all, were they truly honest, or were they simply hiding behind their insecurities.

He didn’t want to think about that anymore, not when Tee was giving him so much reassurance, so much more than he deserved. “I’d be more than happy to kiss you again.” He told her, a small smile rising to his lips again. A smile that became a little more forced at her next words. It seemed a bit out of place, for her to mention not being afraid to be in his arms. But if she wasn’t scared in his arms, it meant that she was afraid in another’s. That thought chilled him, swirled around his heart and pulled tight. He knew someone in her past had hurt her. He didn’t know who or how or why, but she’d let enough hints drop over time that he’d picked up that small clue. Maybe that was why he was always so patient and gentle with her, even though he knew that fragile and delicate were the last things she were. She was too strong, powerful, determined to be either of those things. That was all he could see when he looked at her, even now at one of the most vulnerable she’s been with him in a long, long time. How could she be anything else?

He leaned into her touch, turning his cheek into her hand, feeling her soft skin drag against his. Soft and delicate fingers, but he knew better than to be fooled by them. He kissed her back, softly at first. It was less reverent than before, cooled off by the small break. He reached up, sliding a hand around her neck to pull her closer and deepen the kiss. Words had never been their strong suit, but he still hoped that she could understand through his actions how deeply he felt about her.

Her attention being caught again by the sound of his voice, mind being jolted away from her thoughts and towards reality, Tee felt her eyebrows arch in surprise over his use of the word ‘sweet’. If anything, and specially compared to him, she would’ve thought she fit better under the definition of ‘sour’. Her fingers tugged lightly at his hair, a blush she’d forever deny rising to her cheeks the more he spoke, and she ultimately decided against calling him gooey. Fat lot of good that’d do if he chose to step away and her legs just gave out underneath her.

“Don’t,” she said, perhaps a beat too late, fingers finding their way to his lips in a gesture that was intimate, soft. Her blush deepening, she retrieved her hand and instead offered him a small smile, moving just so she could touch his chest instead, tilt her head in his direction. She’d always loved nights, after all, one too many forcefully insomniac evenings having stripped it away from everything that seemed dangerous. The thought made her shudder, some of the magic of this encounter disappearing when all of what was still unsaid between them crossed her mind once again.

Fireworks? She was on fire, already, her entire body buzzing with the anticipation, the need for something she couldn’t fully describe. Something that he had to know was provoking, or at least know that it was a probability. Her body was drawn to his, eyes fluttering closed, mouth focused only on reciprocating his touch, giving as good as she had to give. A part of her body wanted more, more, but the bigger and more irrational side of her mind had awoken again, and with it all the reasons she couldn’t… be more for him. She pulled away with a regretful look, but immediately laced her fingers with his so he didn’t take it as a complete rejection. “S-Sorry, I… I just…” A small shake of her head failed to clear her mind up, however, or make the rest of her words come out.

He wanted so much more, it was hard not to when her touch set his skin on fire and her kisses dragged him down into a fire that had him needing so much more. It was passion, and despite what history always proved true to him, what he knew was bound to happen, he let himself get lost in that passion. Because this was Tee and they were here and things were different now. That was his mistake, he never should have lost himself.

He felt the cool air seep between their bodies, and instinctively he bent down to chase her lips as she pulled away. Only until his mind caught up with what was happening, because this wasn’t the first time Tee had ever pulled away from him, recoiled from him completely because he’d gone too far. For a moment his expression fell, disappointed in himself for getting carried away again. He knew better, to let her take control because if experience taught him anything it was that was what she needed. But he’d lost himself in the moment and now look at where they were.

“Hey, no, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.” He told her, picking back up his demeanor and giving her a small smile. Being rejected sucked, but at least she was still here. That was more than enough for him to set his own feelings of being rejected aside so he could take care of her. “It’s…It’s okay.” He told her, picking up their laced hands to kiss the back of hers. A small gesture of good will to comfort her, since he was hesitant to hold her again after she’d pulled away. “Are you okay? Do you maybe want to go for a walk or something else instead?” He asked, hoping she would at least stay. Maybe they’d rushed into this, maybe they needed to cool down. As long as she didn’t turn and run away he could figure it out.

She pouted, always one to play the part of the dissatisfied half, and tapped her index finger gently against his cheek. “Definitely sloppy for what our first kiss should’ve been like. But we can work on that.” Because there was a line between teasing him and being outright hurtful, and she meant to skirt that - on the safe side. “I’m going to need more… fireworks.”

It was ridiculous, what with him in front of her, there were plenty of fireworks going off inside her mind. On the back of her eyelids, even. Her head leaned into his touch, his hand, eyes just the slightest bit afraid as they focused on his. “Think you ruined me from wanting to kiss anyone else, ‘s what you did,” she murmured, her tone low, although not entirely regretful. After all, if she could pick between an eternity of kissing strangers or having found one person she didn’t mind kissing over and over… well, that person had always been him.

A small noise came out, from somewhere inside her, and she felt half her body giving in to his casual demand. This was familiar, this was something they’d done before, but letting herself feel made it infinitely more… meaningful. At the same time, it was something she appreciated, trusting him enough to let him take control of what was happening. Something that she’d owed him for a while, at least.

Ryan could only give Tee a playful smirk in response to her light teasing. His ego could take a few hits, especially when he knew that the one thing they lacked was fireworks. He could feel the electricity between them, surging from just under his skin and settling in the air between them, drawing them closer together. It was such a strong force, pulling him in and setting him off all at the same time. Then again, he expected nothing less of the woman in front of him.

Her next words, in their earnest pulled on him like strings on a guitar. “You know, you always do that to me.” He murmured, figuring honesty was what they were here for and to let the words fall out where they may. “Like don’t get me wrong, I always think you’re sweet and cool and awesome. But there are moments where you’ll say something and I just…” He chuckled, trying to find a way to describe how he was feeling that didn’t sounds so lame and cliche. “Melt.” He settled, already cringing at his choice of words. “It sounds stupid, but it’s nice to know that you could feel about me the way you do.”

He was talking too much. She’d texted him to make out, not to listen to him try to poorly sort out his feelings. “Sorry.” He gave her a sheepish smile, hoping his actions could make up for verbal outpouring he was too stupid to contain. He was always a bit silly around Tee. Not that he was suave and poised to begin with, but she brought out the fool in him. Somehow she had managed to put up with it, at least for as long as they lasted.

One of her eyebrows went up, minimally, a small smile on her lips even as she tried to speak as though he was rushing her. “I will, you don’t need to dare me to,” she pointed out, head tilting to one side, eyes focused on his face. Every little inch of his skin that she remembered, wanted to rediscover with her fingertips and store away for future reference.

And then she was letting go, claiming what she’d come here this night looking for, eyes falling shut naturally as she focused on touching him, being with him. With more abandon than she had in the past, when the briefest touch of his own fingers could send her away, take her mind places she’d rather not visit then. The moment stretched on forever, in the good kind of forever that she’d never had enough of, and the only reason she didn’t protest when they pulled apart had to be because her eyes opened again, and she was looking once again up at him.

Her cheeks were flushed, she could feel that, although she hoped the minimal lighting wouldn’t, and her lips were definitely missing his. It wasn’t the sort of addiction that got better if you indulged just a little, sadly, because she didn’t think she could let go of him again now that they were… wherever they were, whatever they were.

“You can’t just repeat what I just said,” she was quick to chastise him, another smile on her lips, thumb finally finding its way to trace his cheekbone. He was all boy, mostly man, but the type of man she wasn’t afraid of. “I think you got sloppy at it, if possible. Think you should kiss me, show me what’s what.” Not that she had actually kissed anyone since Ryan - something she would tell him, eventually - having been too busy trying to fix what was broken inside her to bother trying with anyone else, even for a passing fling.

He’d already lost her once. His own stupidity, selfishness and insecurity getting the better of him. It was a terrible decision with terrible consequences. The fear and memory of that was very much real to him, and he knew he couldn’t screw this up. This second chance was probably the only one he was going to get, and he didn’t want to ever let go of it. Let go of her.

“Oh, I’m sloppy now am I? Don’t remember you ever complaining about my kissing before.” He laughed, more than happy to take on that challenge. Not that he deluded himself into thinking he was a master of the art of kissing. He’d definitely gotten sloppy in the past, side effect of the many mistakes he’d made. But he was cleaning up his act, especially for her. Something about being around her always motivated and inspired him.

“I kind of thought as much, but I can’t say I’m complaining.” He told her, lifting up a hand to brush the hair out of her face. “I’ve always liked kissing you.” His fingers traced the curve of her cheek down to her jaw, missing the feel of her skin under his fingertips. He gave her a half lidded smile as his hand slipped into her hair, cupping her face so he could kiss her properly. After all, “I do believe you asked me to show you what’s what.” He teased lightly before leaning in to capture her lips in his. His other hand settled in the small of her back, pulling her body closer so he could deepen the kiss, pouring out all the words he should have said and all the feelings he couldn’t contain. Words always failed to do them justice, but perhaps in a small way this could reveal to her just how much she meant to him.

It was something that she should’ve seen coming earlier than she had, and something she’d been risking by texting Ryan, letting her thoughts pour out as if they were a normal thing to be shared. Maybe too many thoughts had slipped, but he’d been kind enough to accept her dodging his questions so far. He always had been. His consideration was just one of the reasons why she called him her sunshine, after all.

Having got there early, like she was prone to doing when there was so much in her mind, only led to overthinking. Remembering how much she’d done wrong by him, all the times she’d pushed him away when she should have tried to explain. Then again, she’d been younger then. Kept everything more locked away than she should have had a reason to. Being told that there was no shame in her past, or her actions, had helped let some of that tension ease up.

Had she forgotten a jacket on purpose, or was she angling for a hug? Truth be told, she was intending to get more than a hug from him, if he’d be willing to concede that much. Touching Ryan had never been enough, especially with the very defined physical walls she’d held between them. And between herself and the rest of the world. Her breath whooshed out of her and he was suddenly standing right there, although she should’ve seen him coming, and her hands reached out for him just as she felt him hold her.

“I’m going to kiss you,” she whispered, wetting her lips with her tongue, giving him an extra second to react. “I’m going to kiss you because I really need to and I’ve really missed you and I’ve just – really needed you.” While not the best speech she’d ever made, she hoped he would excuse her under the current circumstances. It was harder, on the uneven land, but he’d always been quick to respond to her, leaning in just so so that their lips could touch.

His eyes traced followed the path of her tongue on her lips. An act that sent tingles down his neck and along his arms, reacting at fingertips that pulled her closer. Because damn, that was an enticing thing to watch, and oh how it filled him with need. As if he weren’t already filled with need, the need to touch her, hold her, kiss her, never let her go.

He wanted so much, but he refrained from jumping straight in. Because history told him he’d always crossed a line, he didn’t know where it was but it happened so often. When he got carried away and she would pull away and withdraw. It was crushing, and he was determined not to let that happen again. So he waited, let her make the first move, let her take the lead. Because that was the independent little firecracker she was, she needed to be in control as much as she needed to be cared for. He was always willing to comply.

“Then kiss me.” He told her, dopey smile gracing his lips. He couldn’t help but smile, he was on cloud nine with a girl he never thought he’d get a second chance with. Yet, here they were. He leaned down to meet her, even finding comfort in the awkwardness of their height difference. This wasn’t unfamiliar, wrapped up in each other’s arms on the beach, sand between their toes. The familiarity of it filled him with warmth, encouraged him to pull her closer, returning her kiss. Gentle at first. As much as his passion was driving him, he was still hesitant, scared that if he wanted too much this would all fade away into nothing. Maybe part of him was still convinced this wasn’t real.

After all, how many guys can be with the girl of their dreams on a beautiful beach in Rio?

He didn’t care for the answer, only that he was with her. He pressed his forehead against hers, still smiling that dopey smile. “I’ve missed this so much. Being with you. I can’t–“ He licked his lips, his words faltering because he didn’t know what he couldn’t do, just that he needed Tee. “You’re an even better kisser than I remember.” He joked, licking his lips as he tried to lighten the mood, despite the mood having completely shifted. His eyes were compelled by her lips, soft and sweet and just a little salty. Like the ocean water never fully washed off. He was dying to kiss her again, dying for more.