Arts & Hoops

Not gonna lie, I am really currently in a bad place.

As I marathon the boys’ interviews, shows and vlogs, a great realization has hit me hard. They found their purpose. What’s mine? They found their passion, the thing they want to do the most. What could be mine?

I know it isn’t only about the glitz and glamour. They worked really hard and sacrificed a lot to be where they are. Thousands of buckets of sweat were poured by each of the five. Body pain, mental stress, name it, they have went through it, I believe.

Would there be any difference from my experiences, though? I think I have also been working so hard and sacrificed a lot. Thousand of buckets of brain and willpower were poured onto every engagement. The mental stress has overtaken any physical damage my body has suffered from no longer having the health and lifestyle I have built with my all in the past years.

They were set free in a sense on their art and here I am still caged, wanting to be free to where even I do not know.

The arts field. I have been insisting that it is where I belong. Yet I could not have the courage to push it. Why? Because I know a little of each and have mastered none. 

The genuineness of the boyband has inspired me yet again to dream and pursue the arts. For that I am thankful.

But there is still a rope that ties me up exactly where I try to keep running away from.

Alcohol, it makes me burst out. But i cannot tolerate destroying my body. I’m trapped.

Writing here has been my outlet. But seriously, this has also been the most dangerous thing. Once I begin writing, I crash my soul into pieces. It has been my way to get all the emotions at one blow.

This is where I show my frustrations and depression.

It is a really sickening moment once anxiety starts to attack your vulnerability. I hate it when I get caught off guard.

Honestly, I am so fed up of studying these lessons that are new to me. This isn’t a review, at least in my case. This is where I just begin to learn. I wonder what I did the past five years. Did I waste it? Or is this how everyone usually feels before taking the exam?

I keep being positive at most times but really, it is tiring. I may have given everybody a positive vibes whenever I am with them but honestly, I am walking on a thin and crispy biscuit.

I get overwhelm whenever I am studying all the materials so I stop. But then my conscience starts boggling me. It feels like I am wasting precious minutes.

I HATE THIS FEELING.

But I cannot give up now. Or is it more appropriate to say, I know better than giving up now. I and everyone else have placed a great deal of resources already. AND I HAVE STARTED TO REALLY DREAM OF BEING AN AUDITOR.