Thoughtful

I still felt like we could climb mountains together, but that you wouldn't hold my hand on the way up

Have you ever been sad before? And I mean really sad, not just a little down, but so sad you don’t have the drive or energy to do anything other than quietly sit in the dark alone. Have you ever been so sad you favorite song doesn’t sound good, or it feels almost impossible to move because the feeling of weight on your shoulders is too much. Have you ever been so sad you stay up all night until the sun comes out again and feel more alive in those hours of the night than you have in your whole life. Have you ever been so sad that even the beauty of the sunset or the mountain range becomes insignificant and dull. Have you ever been so sad that the sight of another person, or just the thought of human interaction, seems like too great a task and you would much rather sit alone all day and cry. Have you ever been so sad you can’t cry? Like everything inside you has given up, your energy and emotions drained so much that you can’t even force yourself to sob and let it out. Sadness is so much more than an adjective, it’s so much more than just a feeling or a bad mood. Sadness can consume a life, it can make everything harder than it needs to be, it pushes away friends. Family, and relationships. Sadness changes everything when it’s all you can feel, when all you seem to be able to do is sit alone in the dark, it takes your life away. It leads to self hatred and isolation it leads to thoughts so horrible I don’t even want to say them. Sadness can become a sickness, it can force its way into your mind until that all you are. It gets romanticized and glorified and it’s “beautiful” and “mysterious”, but it’s not, depression is horrible, wanting to die is horrible, and isolating yourself is horrible. The constant feeling of inferiority and self hatred is horrible, and I’m so sorry if you know what I’m talking about.

You’ve got me addicted Addicted to you and the way you make me feel You’ve got me addicted to the smile that spreads across your face when I make you laugh You’ve got me addicted to the butterflies of new potential You’ve got me coming back for more everyday like a junkie, and I can’t get enough You make me smile and laugh and feel real again You make it seem like the world isn’t so dark if it can create such a beautiful light like you You make the past worth it and what’s next to come doesn’t seem so scary if I have you with me A simple conversation or a few hours with you makes my day Hearing your name catches my attention and my heart stir Your arms around me feel safe and warm You smell like home, like a real home, somewhere I want to be You know my humor and get my jokes, I can say anything around you, you make me feel safe I don’t know if I’m falling to hard again or if I’m too invested too soon, but I can’t say I would care if I knew because this could be over in a few weeks or days but it doesn’t matter because right now in this moment, you’re exactly what I want, and it feels like you might be what I need even more.