beth

*gets stuck on a mission in a game* *doesn’t play for another 4234 years*

why………do…people..not..take..showers…..

because theft is illegal

One time in a science class this guy was talking about how nerdy girls aren’t cute, but it is kinda sexy when a hot girl can use a microscope so I looked back at him and said, “yeah, it must be nice when a girl can finally see your penis”

god bless your soul

eat whatever you want and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

we live in a world where the pizza arrives faster than the police

Well the pizza driver faces consequences when their job isn’t done right.

this is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen

are you in love?

no, actually, i’m in bed

same thing

be cool 2 ur pets. they have a very small life and u r a god to them. guide them through their life like a really cool tour guide and leave them with the best impression of earth

Snapchatting someone you like is SO much harder than snapchatting a friend. 

by cute do you mean you wanna frick frack or do you mean I look 12

one time when I was 13 I wrote wtf on a Facebook status and my dad had a talk with me about being appropriate on the Internet

life hack: get a tattoo. if the people at the job interview notice it and look concerned, laugh a little and explain “it’s just temporary.”  months later if your boss asks why you lied and said it was a temporary tattoo, stare off into the distance and whisper with a tremulous voice the poor excuse for truth your subconscious has been fighting for its entire insignificant existence: “everything is temporary.”

I hate when a person says they’ve had a bad day and everyone, instead of trying to cheer them up, enters a competition of who’s had the shittest life