the things we cherish are small indeed

During this time, my closest friend was extremely busy with work, I couldn't afford therapy because I was struggling to even make rent, and I didn't have someone I could talk to.

I have OCD. One of my compulsions is "checking" and it often takes the form of googling. Googling a word I know just to check that the definition hasn't changed. Googling whether xyz is normal. Googling how to choose some relatively unimportant things.

I googled all kinds of things. I googled to find out if there's a word for intentionally letting someone hear you cry in hopes that they'll comfort you. (Not because I was doing that, but because I had an overwhelming urge to.) I googled odds of relationship survival after addiction. I googled how to tell if your partner has stopped loving you.

And Google ai overview answered every single question. And on mobile, when I was curled up in the dark at 4am, there's a convenient text box to ask the AI a follow-up question. And the AI says things like "that's a hard situation to be in" and "that must be painful to hear"

And I'm not a fucking idiot. I know perfectly well that AI is trained to be sycophantic and that talking to a fucking LLM about my relationship fears was a massive mistake.

I was also terrified, alone, heartbroken, and desperate.

I spent literally hours of time googling questions on AI mode. Holding conversations with the AI. I have stickers on my laptop and water bottle that say "AI Hater Club" and "generative AI? Nein danke" and I wish Sam altman would fall off the face off the earth.

And none of that mattered. I was desperate. I recognized that, and once things began to calm down (my doctor took me off of the narcolepsy med and put me on a medication for addiction called Naltrexone, I was able to start therapy again, my partner and I worked together and took steps to repair what was damaged) I stopped turning to it for an open shoulder.

But I realized a few days ago that I hadn't stopped using the ai entirely. I would Google "best [item] on a budget" and instead of reading a cnet link that reviewed multiple brands, instead of checking consumer reports, I expanded the AI overview and asked follow-up questions.

I'm currently finishing up an astrophysics internship for the summer. Usually when I don't know how to code something, I look at the documentation or find a post on Reddit or stack overflow to explain. Instead, I was asking Google overview for instructions on how to use sys.argv. At no point was I vibe coding, but I was basically asking Google ai to walk me through it like a tutor.

And then, last week, I realized that I no longer Google things the same way. I used to search like "pokemon sun and moon original release date" but lately I've been searching "what year did pokemon sun and moon come out?" Even my checking OCD has changed. I used to Google "n30i mask cleaning +seal +oily" and now I Google "I use a resmed n30i CPAP mask and it keeps losing its seal when I'm trying to sleep. My face gets kind of greasy when I have it on. I already clean it with CPAP wipes every day and run it under water to rinse, do I need a different kind of mask?"

A few days ago, the news about Hank Green using LLMs to find research papers dropped, and I saw his response on Reddit. I saw the way he talked about the dopamine hit he got from it. And something clicked.

I had to install a different OS launcher on my phone so I could change the search bar widget to Firefox search instead of Google, because that's the only way to ensure I don't get the ai overview when I Google something. It's actually really frustrating because I instinctively search in long rambling questions, which does not work well. But I'm having a hard time going back to how I was.

I purchased a pattern from a designer for a cross stitch to make a gift for someone.

I bought the floss in specified colors and had a huge “Ok, trust the process” moment.

The subject in the design is supposed to be a piece of toast. “Mana Toast,” to be specific. Ok, the blues make sense then. The browns make sense. The orange and yellow?

Trust the process.

Ummm… I’m getting more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vibes than Dungeon Crawler Carl…

Trust the process…

It looks like pizza to me. The angular slice and the brown spots read sausage pizza. The recipient likes the piece but I was going to make one for myself and I can’t get over the colors.

I have another project that has a cross stitch piece of toast (am I toast obsessed?) and I just purchased those colors today. The two on each end and two in the middle are the original brown on the left, I picked the ones in the middle and the right is the pattern I have. If I do it right those will look way more toasty to me…

Here’s where I have a question for you:

I’d personally be ok with it as long as they didn’t claim it’s a whole new thing they imagined up themselves. I’ve created a couple cross stitch patterns that I’ve posted for free on FB and I couldn’t care less if they’re manipulated.

But anyway. I’m gonna make the toast my way. It’s gonna be on the wall somewhere in my house where maybe three people in my life that would ever see it would get the reference.

the medallion is also confirmed to be st christopher: the patron saint of travelers. it’s a symbol of good luck, guidance and protection on a journey

so you know. i’m really normal and fine about this