Chemistry Cryptid

…With a heavy heart I must inform you that the Kingdom of Loathing/West of Loathing main dev is an abusive bastard and creep.

I HAVE ALREADY SEEN MAPLE OREOS, KETTLE CORN OREOS, CINNAMON RED HOTS OREOS, RED VELVET CAKE OREOS, POP ROCKS OREOS, LEMON OREOS, AND BIRTHDAY CAKE OREOS

he recently passed away and last week at his funeral, everyone was in the church waiting for it to begin. they waited for more than 30 minutes past the set time and then came the news: 

the hearse had gotten stuck in traffic. the hearse with his body in it. 

One and only!

A math professor noticed his kitchen sink at home was leaking.

He called a plumber.

The plumber came the next day, tightened a couple of nuts, and the sink worked perfectly again. The professor was delighted. But when, a minute later, the plumber handed him the bill, he was shocked.

“This is a third of my monthly salary!” “Yeah, I get it…” said the plumber. “Why don’t you come work for our company as a plumber? You’ll make three times more than you do as a professor. Just remember: when you apply, say you only finished seventh grade. They don’t like hiring educated people.”

So the professor got a job as a plumber, and his life really did improve. All he had to do was tighten a nut here and there every so often, and his salary was much higher.

One day, the management of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to attend evening classes to finish eighth grade. So our professor had to go too.

By chance, the very first class was math.

The evening school teacher, wanting to check what the students knew, asked for the formula for the area of a circle.

They called the professor up to the board, and he suddenly realized he’d forgotten it. He started frantically reasoning it out, covering the board with integrals, differentials, and all sorts of fancy formulas to re-derive the result. In the end, he got: S = –π r²

He didn’t like the minus sign, so he started again. Again he got a minus. No matter what he did, it kept coming out negative.

He cast a panicked look at the class, and all the plumbers were whispering:

“Sell something, and explain your sales strategy.”

Sally went first. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and made $30,” she said proudly. “My approach was appealing to people’s sense of community and supporting local troops.” “Excellent, Sally,” said the teacher.

Next up was Jenny. “I sold magazines and made $45,” she said. “I told people it would keep them up to date on world events.” “Very good, Jenny,” the teacher nodded.

Then came Little Johnny, lugging a giant cardboard box that he plopped on the teacher’s desk. Out spilled a mountain of cash.

The teacher blinked. “Johnny… how much did you make?” “Two thousand, one hundred sixty-seven dollars.”

The class gasped. “What were you selling?” “Toothbrushes.”

The teacher blinked again. “Toothbrushes?! How on earth did you sell that many?”

Johnny grinned. “At first, I couldn’t sell a single one. Nobody cared about toothbrushes. So I changed my strategy.”

“I set up a free chips and dip stand downtown during the lunch rush. Everyone who came by tried the dip.”

He paused. “And every single person said the same thing” “Ew! This tastes like dog crap!”

Johnny nodded. “‘It is, I told them. Now… would you like to buy a toothbrush?’”

The class erupted in laughter.

The teacher, barely keeping a straight face, said, “Johnny… that’s disgusting! But… oddly impressive. What do you call that sales strategy?”

A (Visual) Guide to the Constructicons (made by me)

DIVAstator