arnisaur

I HOPE IT WILL BE SUNNY TOMORROW (Extras)

FIN.

But right now, and it is bold of me to even have this idea, I think I might want to be free. I’ve been introducing the idea of dropping from college to my mom, and she would always retort to me. Of course, she is a parent, that’s understandable. But I want to be more useful to them. I want to work full-time and just earn for them. Yeah I still have two years and I can just let it pass, but the idea of wasting time is already familiar to me, and I hate it.

Still I am doing something, though not productive. My hobbies are still the same. Social media, watching anime, being bitter about everything and anything, reading boys love mangas. This was like the cause of ripples in my peace of mind, which is something I need to feel alive. This is what awakens me.

Overall, it is like a dilemma of progress. An oxymoron of my own issues, and I don’t know how to solve it without being anxious about the consequences. That is why I always end up feeling ass. There’s no progress because I am afraid of starting it in the first place, but I do want to progress. Sounds dumb, right?

I am broke and I want a job. I am planning to apply after this semester and make the best out of the two months (I hope it will be). Maybe call center? Because I want to earn at least a large amount given the short amount of time, but the competition is harsh, and my time is limited. So I might just pursue a work-from-home job, though the compensation is small. I’m still conflicted.

For example, I want to continue what I was writing. It is a supernatural-action story based on Filipino folklore and myths, and I think I am about to achieve a concrete plot from my years of world-building (instead of actually writing them because I am lazy). Thing is, I did start writing, at least the facts about the story, but I do not want to write the actual story without reading something like a book, because I want to have a reference every time I write, and I want something that is solid and tangible so that I can hit myself with it. But I cannot afford to buy that particular book. And that’s where my next progress I want to pursue.

I feel flat, I should say. Like something of a flatline. I have not experienced any heightened and extravagant moments in my life so far, but fortunately I did not also hit rock bottom. I was like a graph that shows no ups and down, or progress in a sense. I do want to progress, but if I do not have something like a start up, I’m afraid I’m gonna stop in the middle of it.

What am I feeling now? It’s really hard to pinpoint a specific emotion. I cannot really call this a mood swing but I do feel a lot of emotions within a 1-minute range. I think this is why I subconsciously drew this face on my own teru teru bozu. (Teru teru bozu is a sort of talisman in Japan, wherein they believe that it can give you sunny weather on the next day). Like I don’t want it to have a big wide smiley face because it felt forced. I also do not want to have a sad face, like it was supposed to be cute. So I just draw this face, a face of someone who is knowingly aware that he was caught in the middle of an inevitable situation. So this is my story so far.

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I attempted to clean the 'A' key because it does not work, and I accidentally broke it. It irks me every time I see this because it reminds me of how dumb I am.

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