the belly full of jelly

Be well

Something

that needs to be constantly held

Life. You fuck me in the ass…. With quick dry lube

You suck my clit to the pint of killing all nevre ending

Pain and inability to feel pleasure. Man fuck you. Fuck you. Shit I would say that you win, but you’re not even playing.

 This shit is real for you and you have absolutely nothing to lose. You give me cards, just to throw them back in face. You give me water, just sip it empty in front of my face. You give me joy that i cannot feel for a full second. You give pain i cannot feel for lifetimes and all reincarnations.

You don’t play me, you don’t play with me, but you joke and you laugh.

I laugh sometimes too. Why give you words. Why not laugh to grave.

Why not allow the soil beneath my grave to chuckle. Why not allow my tears to water the earth and grow the flowers I never acquired.

In my case the step devil was always mentally unwell with a demonic heart. I could never bring myself to apologies for crimes i was assured of but never committed, same with Li’er. Now dad begs for forgives but how can she forgive? But she still is kind enough. Li’er isn’t really the biological daughter she stole the real daughter identity after she died saving Li’er. Xue Fue took Jang Li’s life to avenge her and herself. Ya I think I died. I think I was killed. Just as Xue was drugged, raped and murdered, set up by her family, i faced that brutal.

I saw the moment where her husband hit her head with shovel after dumping her body into a grave. That what my old man did to me. My dad buried me alive, after a blow to head that knocked me out. Threw dirt on me and walk away. I cry when i watch this show. I’ve been wrong. And am trying to get my right.

God be with me. Whatever sports are meant to guide me. Guide out of here away from this family and to find one that really cares for me.

A good day is nice. Thank you. A bad day sucks.

Thanks for helping me through it. I ask to help me overthink when i need it and find the truth right away please. I don’t want anymore mistakes that leave me bed ridden. God please. 🙏🏾 please. Please please.

Not sure

Why I’m still alive

What’s the plan now

What now

If it’s more pain

I don’t want to endure it. I just can’t. If this pain is here to kill me, then give me the courage to take the drugs that won’t make me ache as my life leaves me.

You made me so scared. So stubborn. I know if cared less about myself i wouldn’t be alive. I wouldn’t have been this level of alive. You make it so i can’t overeat. I can’t crave salt, fast food, smoke cigs, drink. No vices to sabotaging. Maybe not taking a walk, doing yoga today or drinking enough water is as worse as it gets.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to live in pain

It’s me again.

I think you got me through something bad. I am still in the deep with more trials and challenges.

You know money doesn’t fix pain. Doesn’t fix fear. Doesn’t end it.

Being poor sucks but damn pride can be a life line even if it’s shit

1k doesn’t change. It doesn’t change you and your behaviors. What you said to me on the phone. You came over and you made me mad that day, but i decided I’d give you this money since we didn’t get to celebrate your bday. My bday wasn’t even that day. I couldn’t say what i wanted since i was in a cafe trying to eat my sandwich when you called. I don’t want to even talk to you because of your mistake impacting the entire family.. we must speak again. And so you take advantage. Disgusting.

I will acknowledge the card. Thank you for that but the cash inside. It’s unclean. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. It doesn’t change you. It doesn’t erase you and your problems and the problems you’ve thrown into me.

3 black snakes

3 different months

Are we shedding skin, or are their more snakes in the garden

God show to my rebirth and help me through my demise

I thank you for my renewed breathing. I thank you for my renewed walking. I thank you for my renewed site thank you for my renewed urge to fight.

3 black snakes

God tell me

What’s the next?

I’ve had nightmares, don’t let those dreams come true.

God i write in prayer. Read me to hear me

Amen.

I do love my family

I just don’t love the pain of family

God is calling.

The devil is answering.

I dare not speak on the other line.

I only accepted the call to hear the devils taunts because i want to know his voice.

I want to know his word choice, the weight of his voice.

Because the next time you’re on my fucking line,

I got a choice of words for you and I’m pulling my weight in blows. I’ll burn in you in ways hell fire could never.

It’s on site whether we meet at the doors of hell, heaven, or next door.

Here is the thing about me. I’ve never been a follower.

If you think I’m gonna follow your bread crumbs trail of chaos and fuckery. You’re shit is stale, i get bored quick. Find me something more shiny and new every two seconds to keep me in the path of Sabatoge. But i guess you can’t. And im too lazy to hate myself. That takes work im not into. I love myself in pain, in confusion, and i know i look way too good to ever be treated like im ugly. Made in God image so hotdamn i look good, i smell good, i walk good, im fucking dripped in amazing. You can call collect from hell.

Leave a voicemail saying I’m cute and keep it short honey. I don’t have time to indulge in shit ugly people do. You better get right.

You better act like you know I’m cute, with a bad attitude and loved by God. That God and your God too.

God. Never calls because he’s always there even when i know. He is there and i thank him for that. God thank you for making me remember that i am that bitch. HBITCH. Im getting every fucking thing i want. I’m having it all. By the grace of god.

I realized now.

I was never going to normal.

I was born in pain.

Will i die in pain?

Really i pray not.

But wrote it out one day because few pointed it out. The few i shared with.

You’ve gone far, but you’ve gone far while bleeding.

I’ll tell you now. I’ll tell right now

The honest fucking truth.

I never noticed my own blood

Until i slipped on.

How was i always so careful ?

I had a seizure the week after my birthday. Psychogenic. she caught up to me. The crimes on my body said let me shake you. Let me take over your body violently and make you remember what you were robbed over. Shaking, awake but stuck in my past sexual abuse. Every rape scene playing out. I could remember the bed sheets now. The size of the room. When i came too, i couldn’t lay on my stomach. Because i remembered why. No peace. My sleep.

I went away because maybe it’s too much here now. Another seizure. Was i awake?

I am awake? Awake in anger. I’ve done a lot of hiding. I was told my anger was wrong. I was told to forgive when it just kept going on in different forms.

Getting helped, I’m shamed. I can’t speak. I can’t say Im in pain. I can’t say i don’t feel right. I want help. You guys never asked me i was okay. I had to go help myself. And you all hated me for that. I’m okay not having a family. Im okay calling it quits. I never had one anyway. I’m retiring as the daughter. Here is my jersey. I was the star, and it seems stars no matter how high in the sky end up getting touched. Fuck you all. Enjoy my meteor shower. Let it rock your world and burns holes into the ground. I’m coming up. You can’t kill me. I said over and over again. You can’t kill me. You won’t win.

The other traumas yes

It’s hard. Not feeling disgusting is hard.

Sex isn’t fun

Intimacy is confusing.

It’s not that we hate it, we don’t understand what was used to hurt us. We desire it, but it’s confusing even painful. When sex is used to abuse you. Mixing it with love doesn’t un confuse the memory and pain.

We are learning. We are unlearning.

I would try things to see if i was normal.

To see if sex could make sense and intimacy. The poly thing.. eh. All it did was make me feel so good that i didn’t have to deal with my person who i really never felt like was my person. And i could be free and deal with whoever. But the always telling you who I’m dealing with part….. never been my thing. I saw it was a fake relationship. I’ll admit it. I loved the art it created for me. The poems. The drawings. I got addicted to dating for creativity.

It was confusing and the best way to hide. D/s relationship. No I’m the dominant one. I don’t want to rape in a hotel room and crossed off your calendar. What kind of life is that? It never felt normal. But the chaos … for the art.

Blame it on boredom. Blame it on trying to experiment and be normal. But no. My fire for creativity fuel breaking hearts. Knocking on doors when i felt it. Who did i ever really chase when i knew i had doors. I was always full. And confused full

I was so happy to find i didn’t have to give sex. I didn’t have to have sex taken from me to fuel it.

Growing up

I had no stars to look up too

So I decided to be my own

A star on the ground can still shine

It can still travel through time and space

It goes around

And comes around though darkness and greatness

One day I’d like to sit around with those of who had no role models and decided to take the role.

It’s your show, why wouldn’t you take the lead anyway?

When did you realize you could ?

How many stars out here, shoot like me, and you ?

Even when it was dire

My love, you inspired

No gold medals for us stars

Because they think we are golden

No one ever asks

No one every wonders how you got to the golden star

Mourn, and mourn. Lose something, lose someone, lose, bleed, parts of you ripped to shreds and dead.

Dead man walking but still saving, people pleasing,

Still holding your  breath under air and above water

Well

Sometimes, the only recognition

The only reward for those of us born gasping for air,

But still getting all the accolades,  no one to rely on,

Falling and

fallen but  somehow succeeding and failing