i knew only loneliness for a very long time the world was grey to me seasons blended together and they all felt the same now food seemed to have no taste it didn’t bother me too much being as though i was ready to die there was a few things i had left to do afterwards i could finally die
i sold everything i had all accept my car and my apartment i didn’t quit my job either i felt that would generate too many questions plus they just gave me a bonus for $2500 at least i could enjoy some of it before blowing my head off
black long sleeve shirt black jeans socks and underwear and a black jean jacket the last of my wardrobe i didn’t sell my entire apartment was empty now 3 gallons of green tea occupied my fridge i shut off every light locked every window took the tea with me and locked all 3 locks on the door behind me
“alexander hi” my neighbor miss alexandria was so tickled by the fact our names are so similar i’ve been in the building for 4 years and she still laughs about it she asked me where have i been lately i remained vague as best i can told her i’ve been busy preparing for a vacation
i didn’t tell anyone i planned on killing myself it seemed in poor taste we started talking in the hallway and made our way downstairs continuing the conversation for 30 minutes she kissed me on the cheek and said she’d see me later i said yes ma’am and went towards my car
i drove to the gas station for cigarettes naturally the clerk asked me what were my plans for tonight taking a stroll i told him with a half smile he made note of the fact i’m buying an entire carton of cigarettes he said don’t smoke every pack in one night it’ll kill me i just said you have no idea he laughed and sent me on my way
it felt right buying a dozen double cheeseburgers with extra cheese and sauce with sautéed onions lettuce and tomato and steak fries to die for in my opinion i would enjoy my food and unnecessary amount of green tea at the beach and afterwards i’d drive off somewhere more secluded to die but i just wanted to see the beach one last time
i had one of those little portable microwaves perfect for the night i had planned i sat on the hood of my car watching the sun sink into sky it still fascinated me how multiple colors would shine in the sky at certain times red purple orange pink and gold
i saw someone standing alone at the edge of the beach a tall figure in all black i didn’t mean to be rude but i couldn’t stop staring at him i was intrigued after finishing 2 out of 12 burgers i planned on eating i went to light a cigarette and i turned to look at him again
i think he felt me looking at him because he turned his head so fast i promptly turned away for a moment because i wanted to admire him again only to see him making his way towards me he was either going to scream at me to stop staring or punch me in the face for staring
“can i have one of those?” a thick german accent oozed from his mouth i stumbled to find the word sure before handing him a cigarette and lighting it for him getting a closer look i could see how handsome he is beautiful dark eyes long hair and pink lips i was now enchanted by trying to keep it in my pants i asked him how he was
he chuckled and said alive for now. again i couldn’t get over his deep voice is he apologized for his dark comment but i didn’t mind he asked me if i was here alone i told him i was he then asked to sit with me i agreed
for some reason i felt small with him in a good way safe to be my real self small talk turned into genuine conversation we talked for hours into the night people left the beach and we kept talking it got cold out and we just gravitated inside my car and kept talking laughing finishing off the food and drinks i bought
we finished at least 4 packs of cigarettes from the carton more laughing and talking on and on until suddenly everything went black i was asleep but i could hear soft singing i felt safe i felt at peace i didn’t understand the words but the song was beautiful i closed my eyes and let myself drift in the comfort of the darkness
i began to slowly wake up i was a little unaware but i remembered i was in my car the sun slowly peaking over the horizon i don’t know how i didn’t hear it the second i woke up or feel it but i was laying on top of him he was caressing my head singing to me in german i could feel the song now echoing through his chest he started smiling at me
i’m sorry i fell asleep right on top of you
i didn’t think you’d still be here honestly
because you didn’t plan on staying either?
i think i know why you came to the beach last night and after everything we talked about it’s for the same reason i did you planned to die
only because we have shared experiences
is this the part where you vanish into smoke and we never see each other again?
i was thinking something else maybe more long term
what did you have in mind?
what if we didn’t die today or anytime soon and we stayed together and alive for each other no matter what happens forever until the end of time you and me?
do you really mean that? i mean how could i know if this is even real idk how?
we bind it in blood you cut my hand and i yours as our cuts meet with our blood i promise to never leave you behind and to be there for you forever until the end of time
as our cuts meet with our blood i promise to never leave you behind and to be there for you forever until the end of time
he took a knife from his pocket cut my palm open and i cut his we joined hands and made this pact to be in each other’s lives until the end of time no matter what we sat there for a little while looking at each other crying studying each other’s faces
he pulled me in for a kiss i was caught off guard for a moment he stopped to ask if i was okay i kissed him instead of answering the pain in my hand being cut was somehow nullified my main concern right now was kissing him tasting him biting him
his kiss felt like magic restoring life to a slowly dying world i felt so many good things for the first time in two years i was losing my breath at times being kissed by him the sensation of his teeth sinking into my neck his strong hands applying pressure to my throat and letting go then applying pressure again
the taste of his blood and his scent was intoxicating his phone ringing stopped us in our tracks his mother called he answered the phone without breaking eye contact with me i wasn’t aware of time in this moment he said bye bye and hung up
we were covered in blood his long hair a wild mess he chuckled and told me to breathe we burst out in laughter for some reason i made mention that we should get something for our hands he said he had to go but he wanted to see me in a few hours so i gave him my number
i gave him a ride to where he needed to go and the whole time he didn’t let go of my hand we didn’t speak but he didn’t stop touching me for a second it was a comfortable silence one i wanted to experience with him again
call me please another kiss before he left i said you should probably go before we get lost in each other again we shared another laugh he agreed and left i made my way back home with the biggest shit eating smile on my face
cleaning my car out thinking about the night before and how i planned to kill myself it felt like divine intervention i don’t know and i didn’t think to question it further
he texted me an hour later saying he wanted to meet me again i sent him my address with that same goofy smile on my face he said he’ll be there in 30 minutes
looking around my empty apartment i regretted selling everything i owned furniture and clothes included luckily he would understand why
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