ariel vizzini

YouTube | SoundCloud | Spotify | Apple Music | Amazon Music | iHeart | Lyrics Video

Didn’t I stop and think Even once  About the person I’d grow to be?

Never great at being present So where did all my Ruminating get me? 

Kept my head in the clouds Daydreamer Maladaptive, maybe 

Still want to believe in her That she’s out there Is she waiting for me?

Boxes of hair dye Boxed-up ended hobbies Hundreds of versions, never settled in - How do I actually un-box me? 

(Oh)

Is she blonde or is she brunette? Fills the room with laughter  Or softens it after? I hope she’s holding a mic  Out finding the light And still sharing every thought with you Hope she’s whole but holds every piece (every piece)

Of these versions Still searching  For me 

I’m still searching  For me

Tried on selves like a wardrobe Just to watch The donation pile grow 

Accessorizing pathways Like jewelry But the tarnish always showed 

Skilled at stopping and dropping Rolling out The fire burning inside me  

(Inside me)

Cut the smoke and dramatics  There’s no quick fix But is the stopping, what’s stopping me?

Filed chapters of re-dos A cabinet of attempts Hundreds of versions, never settled in How do I learn to reconcile all of this?

(All of this, oh)

Is she blonde or is she brunette? Fills the room with laughter Or softens it after? I hope she’s holding a mic Out finding the light And still sharing every thought with you(with you)  Hope she’s whole but holds every piece (every piece)

Of these versions Still (still) searching(searching) For me

Oh, I’m still searching for me

(For me, oh)

How do I know when I’ve found her? Stuck myself in a tower I know it’s Me that holds the key,  But who the hell is “me”?

Am I  Inventing a foundation? Or just  Running from stagnation?

Is there a way to know when  She’s found me?

Is she happy with herself After all she has left? Is she standing alone Or learned how to hold Onto those who still matter -

What is she even after? (Oh, oh)

Is she blonde or is she brunette? Fills the room with laughter Or softens it after? I hope she’s holding a mic Out finding the light And still sharing every thought with you(with you) Hope she’s whole but holds every piece(every piece)

Of these versions Still (still) searching(searching) For me

Oh, I know  I’m still searching for me

(I know it’s me that holds the key) I’m the lock, I’m the key But who the hell is me? (Hell, is me)

YouTube | SoundCloud

Well I Ate the pills Gave confessional spills But still I had the blues

And I Did all the drills So I’d sit still Just to be able to pay my bills

And I Changed my life Cut my vices Just to make it through the night

And I swear I Read the signs Drew my lines But still I couldn’t try

All these F’s for effort Killed any thought of a fighting chance I guess if sanity won’t deliver I’ll fake it till it gets better

I took all the advice Rolled the dice Read the rules and broke them bad

If this is as good as it gets I’ll take it But I’m not crying in my bed

Fuck it, I’m done being sad

Na na na Fuck it, I’m done being sad

Well I Watched the shows Missed the jokes But still I felt the same

And I Lost the days Rot my brain Just to make the time behave

And I Let it play Wide awake Till the credits said my name

And I swear I Tried to laugh Did the math But still I felt erased

All these F’s for effort Killing time just to feel okay I guess if silence won’t surrender I’ll drown it out in HD pain

I took all the advice Rolled the dice Read the rules and broke them bad

If this is as good as it gets I’ll take it But I’m not crying in my bed

Fuck it, I’m done being sad

Na na na Fuck it, I’m done being sad

Na na na

Fuck it, I’m done being sad

And I Breathed it in Sun on skin Just to give myself some help

And I Hugged the trees Fell to knees Tried to wish myself to hell

And I Stayed too late Tempted fate Kissed a stranger, went to bed

And I swear I Felt alive For a night Then I woke up just as sad

So I  Tried the shit They say wouldn’t fix A time or two or six

And I Chased the buzz Lost the rush Just to feel something at all

And I Swore this time I’d be fine If I didn’t feel so raw

All these F’s for effort Rebranding pain as growth I guess if healing won’t deliver I’ll market sadness as a joke

And all these F’s for effort Killed any thought of a fighting chance I guess if sanity won’t deliver I’ll fake it till it gets better I’ll fake it till it gets better I’ll grade myself on effort Fuck it, I’m done being sad

YouTube | SoundCloud

Two blinks in, and ten years out

Seems just enough time for me to ask about

The days gone by, the tears I’ve cried

The joy I stole, the times I lied

I wasn’t an angel, I’ve not lost my mind

I know I’m pleasant but not always kind

Intent holds little, I let others whittle

My own fire’s fickle, but I know I’ve burnt people

Gazing inward, all day long

Just to write my silly songs

Who am I to tell you truths?

I don’t get to outrun my youth

She’s me, I’m her, she’s in the room

Who am I?

Who am I?

I know I made those fault lines, too

I know I made those fault lines, too

Two steps forward, twelve steps back

I’ve left a path of ashes along my track

Intent can falter, habits linger

Left my marks with unreliable fingers

I’m soft with strangers, sharp with friends

I mean to grow, but sometimes bend

Intent holds little, when my edges brittle

My compassion trickles, I’ve been unforgivable 

Gazing inward, all day long

Just to write my silly songs

Who am I to tell you truths?

I don’t get to outrun my youth

She’s me, I’m her, she’s in the room

Who am I?

Who am I?

I know I made those fault lines, too

I know I made those fault lines, too

Tracing lines I used to hide

My own reflection, scarred inside

Paid for lessons, unforgiving

I keep learning what it means to be living

Tremors follow me, unbidden

Guilty, keeping too much hidden

The baseline fracture cause is steady

Control your shit, I swear I’m ready

But time and time and time again

I’ve still left cracks too deep to mend

Gazing inward, all day long

Just to write my silly songs

Who am I to tell you truths?

I don’t get to outrun my youth

She’s me, I’m her, she’s in the room

Who am I?

Who am I?

I know I made those fault lines, too

Who am I?

Who am I?

I know I made those fault lines, too

Who am I?

she’s me, I’m her, she’s in the room

Who am I?

YouTube |

I like to make my garden

Out of things that always go

Watering what leaves

Pretending to feel growth

But the tragic only constant

Is the leaving of the last

So I keep on building present tense

On top of future past

Tides shift, skies turn

I’m learning how to bend

Open doors, closed ones too

I’m learning how to end

I can’t hold what won’t stay

I stumble into my own way

But you can’t stop the rising day

So I’ll meet it anyway

Hmmm,

Hmmm

Nothing ever lasts forever

That’s the rule, I get the math

But knowing doesn’t stop the sight

Of watching seasons pass

If Theseus taught me how to grow,

How much of me survives?

Am I moving towards something

Or just shedding all my life?

Tides shift, skies turn

I’m learning how to bend

Open doors, closed ones too

I’m learning how to end

I can’t hold what won’t stay

I stumble into my own way

But you can’t stop the rising day

So I’ll meet it anyway

I act like knowing is feeling

Like trying makes it last

But am I growing, healing,

Or just re-writing the past?

Change doesn’t scare me

As much as lying does

I just wish it wouldn’t call itself

Becoming when it’s loss

Tides shift

Skies turn

I’ll live,

I’ll learn

Tides shift

Skies turn

I’ll live,

I’ll learn

Tides shift, skies turn

I’m learning my own art

Open doors, the windows too

I’m learning how to start

Hmmm

Tides shift, skies turn

I’m learning how to bend

Open doors, closed ones too

I’m learning how to end

I can’t hold what won’t stay

But I’ll meet it anyway

I’ll still meet it anyway

Hmmm,

Hmmm

YouTube | SoundCloud | BroadJam

Rotting politely

Kindly,

No need to bloom

Being wanted is enough

Whatever gets consumed

Only fireworks under the skin

Calm exterior, the war’s within

Could be silent, quiet, benign

Drowning on air, toeing the line

Touch me, hear me, feel my pain

For this partition, I'm to blame

Only one can hear the sound

Only one can hear it now

Only one can hear it now

Who do you see?

A mirror to not scare you off

Aware that it's deceiving

Better lose it than be lost

A hole where a compass should’ve been

Orbiting people to feel a spin

Count the pauses, count the lies

Drown the shame from the disguise

Touch me, hear me, feel my pain

For this partition, I'm to blame

Only one can hear the sound

Only one can hear it now

Only one can hear it now

No explosion to be broken

The quiet choke’s an art to own

The finale: Bleed out, without a mess

A final grade, the final test

A decibel or special hell

Only one can hear the swell

Only one

Only one

Touch me, hear me, feel my pain

For this partition, I'm to blame

Only one can hear the sound

Only one can hear it now

Only one can hear it now, oh

Am I the only one who hears it now?

Touch me, hear me, feel my pain

For this partition, I'm to blame

Oh but touch me, hear me, say my name

She and I, we're not the same

Only one can hear the sound

Only one can hear the sound

Only one can hear the sound

Only one can hear it now

Only one can hear it now

Only one can hear the sound

Only one can hear it now

YouTube | SoundCloud | BroadJam

CBT, DBT

Acronyms for 'god save me'

When I’m alright

Still in fight or flight

Oh, Darwin woulda loved me

Same old routine, time to burn the scene

Gotta find a light 

Maybe it’s more like

Sigmund woulda loved me

Spiral in to therapize out

Feel too numb 

Til I crash back out

I’m sick of my bullshit

I know 

Yeah, I started it

Crazy ringing 

Day in,

Day out

Am I,

Out of my mind?

Sick of my bullshit 

No, okay yeah -

I get it 

Crazy singing 

Get in,

Get out

Am I,

Out of my mind?

I’m in, I’m out,

I’m in, I’m out of my mind

No “Post-" for me, just “me-TSD”

Nothings wrong, except for thee 

Gonna spend all my days 

In a navel gaze 

Some kind of perma-immaturity 

Too familiar bids unrest, but changes make me flee

Gotta find a light, 

Or maybe it’s more like

Turn out a few; better yet, maybe leave

Here I go again

Spiral in to therapize out

Feeling numb 

So I crash back out

I’m sick of my bullshit (my own)

I know -

Yeah, I started it (i know)

Crazy ringing 

Day in,

Day out (hello?)

Am I,

Out of my mind ?

(I'm in, I'm out I'm in, I'm out of my)

Sick of my bullshit (I’ll own it)

No, okay, yeah -

I get it (I know)

Crazy singing 

Get in,

Get out

Am I,

Out of my mind?

(I’m in, I’m out,

I’m in, I’m out,

Out of my mind)

No court ordered this or that

No collectors at my back

No bombs falling in my backyard 

No one’s breaking or aching my heart

But there’s a

God-ordered atonement

A foolish sinking thought that

Every damn idea 

Feels a

Little bit like I’m

Losing my mind 

I’m

Sick of my bullshit

I know, I started it

I’m sick of my bullshit (it’s my own)

I know, I started it

Sick of my bullshit (it’s my own)

I know, I started it

(Sick of my bullshit)

Crazy ringing 

Day in,

Day out

In my,

Out of my 

Sick of my bullshit (I am)

No, I'm okay yeah

I swear

Crazy singing 

Get in

Get out

Am I,

Out of my mind?

Can't get out of my

Out of my mind

YouTube | SoundCloud | BroadJam

Writing my thoughts

Instead of what ought 

To be flowing from my mouth

Held a kinder reception

Dulled the rejection

Got empathy where there was doubt

Stepped on a stage

Felt the pressure break

Found a home that could quiet my brain

Checking out of me

As the person you see

Is control I’ve yet to find again

If no one ever sees the seams

Does it really matter what it means?

Is it real

Or just performative?

If I know the words

And rehearse it

If I share it

Does that make it true?

Or am I only getting better

At fooling you?

Put in the work

Learned to feel the hurt

Changed the habits you’d catch me in

But is it real

If I still don’t feel

Anything new besides fitting in?

Crawling into bed

Still scared of my head

Performing sane til you all look away

I guess forcing fine

And biding time

Works until there’s another way

Learned behavior behind the scenes

If it works on stage, does it work on me?

Is it real

Or just performative?

If I know the words

And rehearse it

If I share it

Does that make it true?

Or am I only getting better

At fooling you?

Is it real

Or just performative?

Adding therapy cues

Sprinkled in my narrative

If I convince you

Does that make it fine?

Or just convincing enough

This time?

Am I convincing myself

This time?

Where does the act end, where do I begin?

If I changed the outside, did I fix what’s within?

I’m saying the words, I’m doing it right

But I don’t recognize myself at night

If I’m everything you need me to be

Is there anything left that belongs to me?

Am I healing, or just learning the script?

Is this growth, or a better counterfeit?

Is it real

Or just performative?

If I know the words

And rehearse it

If I share it

Does that make it true?

Or am I only getting better

At fooling you?

Is it real

Or just performative?

Adding therapy cues

Sprinkled in my narrative

If I convince you

Does that make it fine?

Or just convincing enough

This time?

How can I convince myself

YouTube | SoundCloud | BroadJam

Highway signs flicker like they know me

The last exit’s a mile behind

Your name in the static of the radio line,

Blurred lights blinking in my eyes

We always had a knack for weather

Turning blue to something worse

And I let it flood the whole horizon

Just to feel like it was worth

The last exit, a mile behind

A mile behind, a mile behind

I keep driving like I’ll find

Some version  where we tried

A mile behind

The last exit, a mile behind

Only exist when it’s quiet enough

For me to hear what you never were

And I hate that I was the best you had

And yet we were all I couldn’t cure

Said you saw me on a stage you’d never stand on

In a crowd you don’t belong

Still asking if I found a purpose

Between insomnia and memory, holding on

Remember asking for a final chapter

Like endings could tie up neat

How funny, now I’m left understanding

What you meant when you said “leave”

The last exit, a mile behind

A mile behind, a mile behind

The closest I got to something like peace

Was when you were crossing my mind

The last exit, a mile behind

You asked, “What are you running from?”

You were the one to start the race

Now there’s no more roads that lead to you

No more wrong turns left to take 

Just a voice that only shows up

In the silence I can’t escape

Now you’re frozen in a version of you

That I can’t rewrite, replace

And I’m stuck with every unfinished line

You never had to say

Highway signs blur into nothing

But I still read every line

Like one of them might say you’re out there

Just a mile behind

The last exit, a mile behind

A mile behind, a mile behind

The last exit’s still behind me

So I won’t check the signs

Somewhere you’re still almost happy

Youtube | SoundCloud

washing machine’s been shaking the house again

like it’s angry at the pipes

sanity dripping through the ceiling

into buckets we tried to hide

you said, “everybody I know’s tired”

like that was supposed to make it easier

met the ground floor

with the urgency of an emergency room door

felt like floating

‘til it didn’t anymore

you were young and drinking

like the winter might forgive you

like every bad decision 

The river would carry to sea, too

gone beneath you, couldn’t teach you

what a parachute was for

some people only learn the hard way

some just keep asking for more

only ruminate in past tense

like there’s glory in regret

thinking if you replay every bad night

you would somehow pay the debt

oh my god

not again

rinse and repeat

but the water won’t run clean

rinse and repeat

only say what you don’t mean

scrubbing ‘til your bone’s clean of skin

trying to outrun where you’ve been

rinse and repeat

rinse and repeat again

again, and again

again, and again

always wind up part of the downpour

terminal velocity doesn’t keep you 

from wanting

begging for more

you keep making resolutions

on receipts and bathroom walls

like if you write it down enough

god might finally return your calls

lessons learning, then deserting

turning into background chores

good intentions piling up

like boots outside behind the door

well-meant phases, good intended changes

still the first to run for the door -

like leaving is the personality trait

instead of what you’re running for

and you only carry what you’re handed

hate the weight, refuse to choose

but you’re coming down with a fever

that you’re terrified to lose

Oh my god

Not again

rinse and repeat

but the water won’t run clean

rinse and repeat

only say what you don’t mean

scrubbing ‘til your bone’s clean of skin

‘til your reflection’s wearing thin

rinse and repeat

rinse and repeat again

again, and again

again, and again

drive down all your childhood roads

try to feel something holy

see your old school caving in the flood

and understand the way it’s feeling

being human’s not being unbroken

it’s the pieces that decide to stay

it’s calling your friends at midnight

then laughing when / they don’t know what to say

wash, rinse, repeat

admit your own defeat

some stains settle into the fabric

some never really leave

wash, rinse, repeat

the cycle humming underneath

you can’t scrub the wandering out of you

before you sleep

rinse and repeat

but the water won’t run clean

rinse and repeat

keep waking from the same dream

scrubbing ‘til your hands go numb

trying to become someone

rinse and repeat

rinse and repeat again

again, and again

again, and again

again, and again

the dryer buzzed in the other room

what a cheap alarm clock

outside, the rain kept falling

washing out your thoughts

and for a minute

everything looks clean