I've been thinking of quitting. Or at least I was thinking of quitting. But that was before Jack told me what he told me and it made me want to hold him and protect him so bad that I wanna slap myself. I asked when would he be coming back and he said soon. To cuddle and bang. Which could have been a typo, but it wasn't. This wasn't a fucking typo and now he's gonna walk through that front door fuck knows when and we're gonna fuck.
And I'm gonna be jobless and homeless.
But that doesn't scare me as much as thinking that I might like him. Because banging someone you have a crush on and that doesn't like you back is beyond sucky. He's like madly deeply in love with Alex and all I want is to run away, but now we're gonna bang.
So... y'know. If i'm gonna be homeless and jobless. let it be because I fucked a hot guy who's older than me and fucking hot.
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All packed, ready to go. Things with Kara seem fine but I'm still afraid.
I'm happy to be moving in with Jack but at the same time I'm waiting for the shit storm. He pasted me an AIM conversation between him and Alex and even though he cut out some (fucking crucial) parts I can still see Alex's opinion about me all over it and it doesn't feel good.
He doesn't want me around Jack. He's convinced that I have a crush and that I'm just waiting for an opportunity to jump Jack's bones and I'm starting to think that this might have been a huge fucking mistake. Because I want the getting drunk and cuddling and eating breakfast for dinner roommate thing but I know me and I'm a moron so I'll probably get horny and fuck up.
And it was supposed to make me feel better, but I’m not sure if it does. I mean, I’m glad Alex didn’t tell me to fuck off, but still I think this whole story is not over. Especially because I talked to the big boss label dude and big boss label dude says they’ll be hiring soon and hinted that I might be hired too. Which is all I ever wanted but still… I’m not like a hundred per cent happy about this. I’m still stressed out and have this weird feeling in my stomach and I don’t know… oh.
I started writing this two hours ago and now… just. Wow.
Jack asked me to move in with him. And I told Kara. And Kara told me she liked me.
And of course I like her, but not like that.
I like guys. I have been with girls, but the more I think of maybe having a girlfriend again the more I don’t want to. Like… I could probably do the hanging out and watching dumb romantic comedies together part but I don’t think I could go fuck a girl.
Because when I’m feeling lonely it’s strong hands and hard cock that I think about. I want a guy who’s gonna hold me tight and tell me what a good boy I am while he fucks me and maybe this means I’m more screwed up to the head than I like to think, but. It almost makes me miss him.
I know it’s sick because I feel like no one’s ever gonna love me like he at least said he did. That man ruined this one little part of me that I don’t know how to put together and it’s scary to realize that I’ve had half of my shit practically packed for almost two years that I’ve been living here.
I’ve been ready to run away since I got here but I’m not ready to like anyone else.
And I really fucking hope that Kara will still be my friend, because I don’t know what I’d do without her nice words and the honest way she cares about me. I need her. I love her. But not as she wants me to.
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Do I? Am I really doing this? Like do I really wanna go there?
It hurts me a lot to know that you're going through so much shit and that you're being treated badly by someone who is supposed to be your best friend and... I kinda wanted you to ask me to prom but does this mean I have feelings for you?
I know that I feel silly and dumb for not even knowing and that I would feel even sillier and dumber if I did because I REALLY know that you're not emotionally available and that going for it would be almost like making the same mistake twice and. Fuck. This is not a multiple strikes before you're out situation. I did it once and I'm real lucky to remain where I am but if I screw up just a tiny bit again I'm gonna be jobless and back in NY where it's just a matter of time for him to find me.
Self fucking preservation, Ariel. What is so difficult to understand about that? Stay away from trouble for fuck's sake.
It's almost like i deserve to get screwed. Maybe I am a slut like I've been called before. Ha
three wishes, quick game
i’ll maybe elaborate it later but there they go:
1. i wish alex would start talking to me again. i’m not sorry for telling jack the truth, but I feel like shit every time I remember alex and I aren’t talking
2. I wish the label would hire me full time, even if it’s just for a personal assistant position
3. I wish Philip would disappear from the face of the earth and leave me alone but that’s a long shot there
“Monsters don’t exist. It’s men you should be afraid of, not monsters.”
— Niccolò Ammaniti, I’m Not Scared
And when I say that I'm scared I'm not scared like 'oh, I watched this horror movie and now I can't sleep'. No, I'm scared like in that paranoid way, when you can't sleep because someone is after you. And... the thing I said about self preservation?? About my lack of self preservation???? Well, let's just say it's coming to bite me in the ass and I know it.
I told Kara about Philip, but I didn't say everything. I didn't have the guts to tell her that he's not only my ex and a drug dealer. but that he was 13 years older than me and my first agent. I didn't tell her that I used to help him, that I used to sell his shit at parties and that I did it because I loved him, yes, but I also did it because he said he was gonna make someone outta me.
He said he'd make me more than a little faggot kicked out from home, that I'd be famous and with this pretty face there wouldn't be anyone out there to stop me. And when I started doubting myself, doubting him, he'd come with the opposite talk. That I was pretty but dumb and useless and that the only good thing in me were my looks.
And that those looks would give him money. He'd say I owed him this, because he gave me a roof over my head and I should be thankful. He said he was keeping my paychecks to help pay for our shit and that I didn't need to worry about that because we'd be together forever. Because I was his boy and he'd do anything for me.
He just forgot to mention that he planned on pimping me out at those same parties. That being pretty and having my pictures taken or walking down a runway wasn't enough. He wanted me to have my butt fucked by creepy gross old dudes who would pay him shitloads of cash to...
Anyways, he texted me.
what's up pretty? saw u in bmore the other day, surprised ur not in nyc. cute guy ur hanging with. think he'd be up for a 3way? ;) c u around, princess.
He saw me. He saw Grieco. He knows I live in New York, probably because of the stupid Dakota Johnson picture.
And I'm screwed. And as much as I'd want to call him a monster, that's not what he is. Monsters are those things you fear when you are a kid and don't want to sleep alone in your bedroom. Monsters are creations of your head. And Philip is real. He's a man. And I'm more scared of him than I've ever been of any monster my head could come up with.
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