Put my name at the top of your list.

You know, I don’t know what to believe anymore when it comes to love; Is it supposed to come easily? Is it supposed to be sought after? Is it supposed to be all love and war like? Is it an instant feeling or is it groomed into love over some time? Is it fire in my lungs or is it calm? Is it a home or an escape car? Is it trembling or still? Is it familiarity or is it unexpected? Will I know or will I have to hope? Will I feel it in my bones?

I’m sinking into my bed tonight, melting into my sheets, smothering emotions into my mattress. I’m breathing in my own air, swallowing my fists full of insecurities, feeling them scrape endlessly down my throat. I’m screaming with my mouth sewed shut, the frozen silence digs it’s boney elbowed fear into my ribs. I’m crying for relief, begging for release, dying for some peace.

I’m playing detective with my will to live tonight, wishing it’d show it’s face and tell me to lighten up some with a cheeky grin but there’s soil in between my two front teeth that taste a lot like my very last day.

I started the year with my ear against his chest and my mouth pressed deep onto his. The truth is, I was looking up when I tripped on his ribcage and fell into his arms. I was raw in my healing, I was an open wound his thumb alone could soothe. I could not hear the war outside of this bed with him in it and I never lied when I said love, I meant it.

I guess I’m so crazy about you because you saw me in shackles and still thought I was airborne.

You know, at this point love was starting to feel like a busy cliche. It’d slip into my ears without making it to my heart and it’d fall out of my mouth without enough permission. Every time it would approach me it’d feel like a dreaded knock on the door and no I felt I couldn’t commit to the five minutes spent talking about a faith I wouldn’t recommend. I would dilute the message in my mind. It was all just too cliche.

There are still knots in my belly From the first time you passed on through I felt them tighten the first time I said I loved you You got me strung out baby, Wondering how the sunset looks On your end today, Wondering if it pains you to go days Without my words to tuck you in. Initially, I knew this wouldn’t end Pretty, it’d end in your nails Digging down my back Waiting for a call back Wishing you’d come home to me Knowing your home isn’t our bed.. But I need you, But I want you, But I love you.

I wish I had heard angels Welcome me into this world, I wish I believed in myths, I wish reading the Bible was comforting I wish I was one of those Good christians that never missed church, Never missed confession And got down on their knees Only to pray, I wish I believed in God, I’d ask him why there’s so much blood On my hands, I’d ask him to explain The look on my mothers face When all she’s known is heartache, When her health deteriorates No matter how many hail Mary’s she prays, I’d ask him why that man betrayed me, Why he had to rob me of my sanity, I’d tell him that the one time I did pray, I was asking for a break, not to break But I broke, you see There’s not a vein inside that doesn’t ache So why did I not die that September? Why’d you take Marie? Her laugh still pierces my mind Like all the FUCKING time. Why did she go but I’m still here? Why do I have to live in fear, Why does it never feel safe here? Hear you me, I wish I believed in you Because this is all getting too heavy And I’m losing my mind turning unsteady, It must be easier to cope For those that still have hope That you’ll pull at your magic ropes And lighten the load, To feel less alone.

I’ve retrieved my heart from the last time you threw me your bone, but I can’t stop looking for it every time you move.