No Order, Only Chaos

NSFW

I got to spend last weekend with my long distance partner. Not entirely sure what we are, more than friends with benefits but not sure if I'd call us "dating".

He is my primal dominant, not truly a sadist, but he really enjoys satisfying my masochistic needs. This last weekend we learned that I am much more of a masochist than we both anticipated.

It is something I have been exploring, but he is the first person who is really peeling back the layers and helping me find my pain limit. We thought he would be able to find it this past weekend, but to both of our surprise, he did not.

Last time we got to play like this was in October, he came to my state and I really got a taste of his favorite flogger. He left my shoulders black and blue and it wasn't enough. This time, he bought a fairly stiff leather paddle with a metal shank core. Since it was the first time using it he didn't -quite- go all out, since he wanted to see how I handled it the next day, but he still was hitting harder than with the flogger, and it STILL wasn't enough. Not a single lasting bruise or mark.

Like not only was the pain not that bad, but it just wasn't enough. I feel like I need a deeper pain, like getting punched or how your shoulder hurts when someone wrenches it behind your back. I want to cry, part of me wants him to make me bleed. At the very least I NEED bruises.

He has mentioned the next time I visit him he will get out the single tail and see how I do with that but man...I'm a bit impressed with myself sure, but not being able to find that sweet spot of satisfaction before it becomes too much is a bit frustrating.

Regardless though, every time he beats me I just melt into a puddle and float on subspace for a while, which is always amazing so can't really complain.

Just getting home from spending the last 4 days away at a convention with my Alpha. It was absolutely fantastic and everything I could have hoped for. It feels like we have grown even closer.

So many laughs and funny moments, me falling asleep on him because I was finally comfortable and relaxed enough to get some sleep, passionate and intimate moments alone. I love the bruises and bite marks I can feel and I dread the day I no longer can because it will be another couple of months before we can see each other again, when I can’t vividly remember his gowl in my ear demanding submission as if he is still at my back.

Today though is different. Last night was so intense emotionally, passionately, intimately, and when I dropped him off at airport security this morning I couldn’t turn around when he called out his last goodbye after hugs and kisses, because I was already crying. It was already hitting me.

Something absolutely fantastic has happened.

5 years ago I met my best friend online. We connected instantly and quickly became close. We spent a year chatting for hours almost every day and he became one of the most important constants in my life.

Then life happened and he disappeared from online. He would reach out here and there every once in a while, but for the most part I went somewhere around 3 years of not talking to him.

Until last year, around this time I think, I got the alert that he came online and he immediately messaged me. I couldn’t believe it, and all I could think was “Don’t let him log off!”. We chatted for hours, as if he never left. We reconnected and grew even closer.

This semester has been more challenging than the others, with everything that happened. But despite the difficulty I am trying to push through it, if for no other reason than because my dad was so excited for me to follow in his footsteps.

Basic was a small challenge. Fire Academy was easy academically but challenging physically.

....Paramedic is just whooping my ass.