hoshi

Being with Jeon Wonwoo was certainty. There was never ferocity between him and other girls, reassurance was his middle name. It was annoyingly evident with the way you try to find fights but he always manages to contradict every word before a spark of disagreement would occur.

He supported you in all your passions as you supported him back—perhaps a little too much.

Joining Seventeen was probably the best thing that has happened in Wonwoo's life,—other than you, of course—the people he met helped him to become more better (as if he wasn't already the best) and you were happy.

So so happy for him.

Late nights with him lessened, texts became frequent even though Wonwoo hated texting when he could just easily meet up with you. You weren't esurient for his attention, you understood from a certain point that Wonwoo needed his distance and rest after a long day of practice.

Because you knew Wonwoo.

You knew that he would never give up on you. On the comfort you both created long before this idol life.

Late nights became a practice and study of toleration towards lonesome. The TV that once been used everyday became a luxury that you open occasionally, only when watching SEVENTEEN perform. The kitchen that was always filled with dirty dishes instead was now filled with paper bags from different fast food chains.

The reassurance you have never once asked now was slipping from the tip of your tongue, your relationship doesn't have a fracture, but it's now filled with uncertainty. Not to his love—never. But it was uncertainty towards your relationship.

The guilt of doubting him was evident for the past few weeks until it felt like a routine.

The secret meet ups where it felt like dating him was a sacred bond God restricted, but as Eve rebelled and ate the fruit—you kept on coming over to meet him; in their dorm, outside shady spots where no one would be other than killers. Your love was supposed to be lowkey, now also kept as a secret. When once in his heart, you were the only girl—now was filled to the brim with his fans who constantly fights over his attention like he was some high priced value.

I'll probably be a waste of your time, but who knows?

You look at him from the sidelines with a smile that doesn't seem to reach your eyes. "Thank you, carats." Wonwoo mutters out, his tremors are more intense than usual, his hand shaking beside him. "For believing in us." He looked beyond the camera, there you stood beside a staff. "For believing in me."

For a moment time slowed down.

A hitch of your breath.

A tremor of his hand.

For a moment those sleepless nights didn't matter. Those alone moments in bed didn't matter, waiting up for him at two am didn't matter. Those times eating alone felt embarrassing in a restaurant Wonwoo suggested for your anniversary—but it was also his group's anniversary.

That only felt like a mock towards you.

"I'm sorry." Wonwoo whispered as his hands enveloped your waist, a shiver rising up your spine from it. His touch felt like an opulence you can't afford unless it's on a high sale. "I'll make it up to you." Your fingers and toes aren't sufficient enough to number how many times Wonwoo has told you that.

Ending it all felt like a petty way to make up an excuse to leave Wonwoo. It didn't make sense but all at the same time in made sense to just leave.

"Maybe he'll do better without me."

"I'm hindering him from his full potential."

"Is this worth to continue?" His reciprocation starts to abate slowly as his schedule starts to get heavier and he starts to get busier.

SEVENTEEN starts to bloom, like a flower just waiting for people to water it to see the surreal sight hidden inside. People started noticing and acknowledging the group, the self-made idol group that everyone marveled about.

You did too.

Except you were closer. Intimately.

Yet it didn't feel like it was enough. It felt like you were only just a fan who had no history with one of the member. Wonwoo wasn't certainty anymore. It was waiting for the dam to break, it was waiting for the thread to snap. As if the only way for Wonwoo to get the full success he needed was to be free from something—from something.

For the first time in years, you wanted to be loved loudly.

You wanted to marry him. Soon? Later? Now? The feeling for the right time didn't matter because when was the right time when it came to Wonwoo? Every time felt too little, too hidden. But you wanted to marry him.

Is it a crime to be unsure?

Against all odds, you have finally felt doubt towards Wonwoo. Not your relationship but to him. Like a hoop you couldn't shoot no matter how good you are, like an iphone the charger changes—once lighting now is a type c. You were the charger and Wonwoo was the phone.

He changed. Wonwoo changed. Not as a bad person but a person that used to be so familiar is now unfamiliar.

You might be too good for me, unattainable.

The last time you've seen him was backstage during his tour. You thanked him. "I will love you always, okay? It's not your fault. I have been—" Wonwoo started talking before you could finish the scripted words you made up just moments earlier. "I wanted to marry you after all this."

Time seemed to speed up, he was already getting called away.

Your breathing was rapid, as if your lungs wanted to jump out of your chest.

You left immediately.

It was a mistake to leave but your feet had already left the room and instead was stepping on cement. Maybe you'll get married one day? To someone else—or if Wonwoo decides to chase. Think you'll take that thought to the grave. Regardless, you know you'll love Wonwoo always.

After all this, he says. He was waiting just as you were waiting. But the difference is, you were starting to worry he might never see the right time for it.

You were waiting for him.

"happy birthday y/n!" cheered wonwoo, his hands shaking from what seems to be his anxiety as if you won't accept his gift yet he excused it as his tremors. "i hope you... like it." wonwoo's gift was stored in a small pink paper bag, peeking from the inside is a folded paper, curious your immediate instinct is to grab it. "wait! i want you to read it later." he smiled cheekily, hands fidgeting behind his back.

wonwoo has always been someone who would gift you handwritten letters, no matter the occasion—most of the time it's just when he wants to thank me for something. "thanks! i'll open them later."

"call me when you open it..." his sentence got cut off by your mother, calling from the kitchen that it's time to cut the cake. "nevermind, shall we?" he took your hand and led you into the kitchen.

"there's the birthday girl! thank you for keeping her company wonwoo." your mother smiled, hands occupied by the lighter to light the cake and sing you a happy birthday. "it's my pleasure ms. y/m/n."

after a few rounds of singing, it was finally time to blow the candles. "make a wish." wonwoo whispered, anticipating on your wish debating if you would say it out loud or not, hands fisting the table cloth. you closed your eyes, taking in the quiet and the eigengrau engulfing your sight. you thought for a second, a smile creeping up on your face before blowing softly of the candle, the smoke rising as the fire dies down.

'i wish for me and wonwoo to grow old together.'

"what?!" wonwoo almost yelled, his face was crestfallen, almost as if you'd suppose that a loved one of his died.

"mommy just told me yesterday night. i tried calling... but your mother told me you were asleep and she'd deliver the message to you once you wake up."

his hands fisted together, anger and disappointment was lacing around his head. he was disappointed that his mother didn't wake him up and he was angry for sleeping early that night. "but... we'll still see each other. right?"

you looked at him, unsure what to answer. you, yourself wasn't sure if you'd still see him. "i don't know... wonwoo, i'm sorry." you pouted, eyes bubbling from tears.

"y/n, don't cry."

"i hate seeing you cry."

his hands found itself wrapped around your fragile and delicate body. wonwoo was not an affectionate person but you were an exception.

"here." he grabbed your pinky finger, intertwining it with his own pinky. "let's promise that we'd find each other. no matter how long it takes." you sniffled a cry, nose stuffed. "promise?" he nodded, hiding the fact that he's not sure if in the future they'd see each other, considering the fact earth has billions of people, it's 99% impossible.

"and if... you get lost. go back to our place and i'll be there to guide you back."

it's been a few years since you moved out of your hometown, and finally today was d-day, you're moving in to your apartment, you've been saving up for a new apartment to move out of your parent's house so they wouldn't have any one other than themselves to look out for. after graduating college, you've been helping your mother in her bakery while your father retired from his job to help around.

you're sitting in the living room, boxes surrounding your figure, unable to figure out what you're going to open next. your mother labeled the boxes, as she helped with preparing.

a box piqued your interest, labeled 'childhood memories' "now what does that mean." you pulled the box towards you, preparing the scissors to cut the tape.

opening the box you found out inside was your old accessories and many many handwritten letters.

"what a cute handwriting, who's this from?" you whispered to yourself, smiling. the nostalgia came running down your spine causing you to shiver. "wonwoo..." you whispered out his name like a chant, all the memories of you together came crashing down your mind like the cupid's arrow.

"i wonder how's he doing." you pondered.

you two were inseparable, always by each other's side. always sharing lunch, books and even hoodies. he was there by your side since you both were babies, virtually doing everything together.

then you remembered the promise, you chuckled at how childish it was but who could blame anyone? you two were kids. some promises are meant to the broken.

but as much as you hate going through the past, you found yourself staying up all night to read the letters, each one, each letter sends a shiver down your spine, as if a ghost was tickling your back. how could you been so blind? "these letters are marked with love... they're made with love." you muttered to yourself.

"wonwoo.." you whispered once again.

"and if... you get lost. go back to our place and i'll be there to guide you back."

you weren't lost. you've already found yourself and everything in here, in this city but you can't help the hairs on your arms to stand up and it makes you stand up too. it doesn't hurt to check, to meet an old past.

you are not lost, oh, you know your way around perfectly—you're just going to pick up something you dropped once, and you're sure as hell won't drop it again.

you knew you can't go back and just move on when you bought the ticket. you fidgeted on the ticket, one bud on your ear and the other hanging loosely but there was no music, as if you were afraid you'd lose focus on the reality, on the fact that wonwoo might not be there.

that he forgot about everything.

you boarded the train, a luggage on hand. you weren't sure how long you'd stay. probably just a day or two if he's not there.

"i'm really doing this." you breathe out, gulping down your anxiety along with the coffee you bought along the way. "i'm not expecting, i'm not expecting." you mutter to yourself, repeating the sentence because you know to yourself that you are expecting.

you arrived with a heavy heart, tightly clutching onto the luggage as you hopped off the train, through the bustling crowd and out into the street.

you took a deep inhale, the smell of your childhood made you calm down, even just for a little bit. nothing has changed much, aside from new stores and much well built buildings. everything really has changed.

everything went fast. you booked a room at the nearby hotel, ate lunch and you were back outside on the streets. you mentally scold yourself, perhaps it's too early. way too early but you noticed your feet already dragging you. dragging you to the place—to yours and wonwoo's place.

the park.

nothing special.

but it used to be special before.

the park was busy, it was never busy before and now loads of people are taking a walk, with their dogs, their partner, their child. you scrunched your nose, suddenly everything is unfamiliar.

the fountain was no longer working, the grass are all grown out and clearly isn't taken care of properly. there were less trees and more structures.

so this is the part where you get lost huh?

"i got you." finally something.. familiar. a warm voice came from behind, breath tickling your nape. their hand positions itself to your lower back, pushing you—guiding you somewhere.

obviously you shouldn't listen but your feet just always happens to disobey your mind.

"i told you. if you get lost, i'll be here to guide you back." the voice led you to the corner, a corner you know all to well. "wonwoo." you whispered under your breath, spinning around to face him.

gods—he was taller, mature looking, still cute. "wonwoo." you repeated yourself, chuckling in disbelief. "wonwoo—"

"yes! y/n, y/n, y/n." wonwoo chuckles, "you're repeating yourself y'know?"

you didn't hesitate, you pulled him in for a hug. it's been years, too long that even he should be unfamiliar by now but nothing about him is unfamiliar. "i missed you so fucking much."

everything about him still is familiar.

it's been a few months since you confessed, and a few months since you talked to each other too; and now you regret that you ever took the risk in the first place.

music blasting in your ears as you lay down on the pointy grass, not caring if it stings your delicate skin. closing your eyes briefly before looking at the clear sky, it was noon when a mutual friend of the both of yours invited you to a picnic date.

you look from afar, looking at wonwoo with soft but melancholy eyes, a smile appearing on your face as you admired his features. your good looking boy.

you anxiously ranted to your friend, spewing the possible what if's in your head when you gave wonwoo your confession letter.

you'd been crushing on him for a while, more than a while now.

"calm down y/n, it's not like you're gonna die if he doesn't reciprocate."

your friend tries to calm you down, hand on your shoulder to stop, letting you take a deep breath.

"here he comes." your friend whispers with a mischievous smile then left you behind. "hey!—"

"y/n? it's yours right...?"

you nodded, too embarrassed and defeated to even look at him, fidgeting on your fingers, he thanked you.

"thank you... i've been err, noticing your feelings about me but i didn't pry further but it looks like i'm right. i'm sorry, but i'm not ready for a relationship." he looked guilty, why would he be?

"h–hey! that's totally fine don't be sorry pshh! as long as you're not gonna be awkward with me or... stop talking to me."

"don't worry, i'm not that kind of person." he smiled.

he never said if you had a chance, he never stated if he liked you or not, or is that him lowkey rejecting you? nevertheless you were willing to wait for him for eternity.

his smile was intoxicating, 'i'm not that kind of person' my ass, you cursed mentally. he's been avoiding you since that day, you understood but it's been more than months, he wouldn't talk to you unless you do the first move but at times you'd have to repeat your sentence then he'll reply, it made you look like a fool.

he was a total different person now.

you would've understood why he was avoiding you if he opened up about his feelings, you'd willingly stop talking to him if he said anything or... is he trying to give me signs?

you sighed, your feelings all over the place. sometimes you wonder maybe it's your fault that you're feeling this way or maybe that you're making him uncomfortable.

he was like the light in your life that you needed to walk around to find the right path, the comfort that you needed in times a meteor strucks you. he was always there, before.

or maybe he was just too friendly, a little too friendly that made you fall in love with him in the first place

then you wondered.

what would happen if he was gone in your life? what would happen if the signs connected together and he cut you off his life for good?

"shit gyu." you cursed.

your hands wrapped around your chest as you shivered at the cold air, you were tired but you wanted to wait for your boyfriend. your eyelids were starting to drift down, tiredness taking over your body.

"i'm home!~" you jolt from the voice, from his voice.

you looked back at the time, 11:30. you sighed, 30 minutes til valentines is over, what's the point of celebrating.

you let your eyes shut, not caring for your boyfriend who's excited to see you, if he was a puppy, his tail would be wagging nonstop.

"baby?" his voice was weary and nervous.

"welcome home."

his mouth turned into a pout then next it was spouting out apologies. he dropped all his stuff at the counter before rushing towards you, putting his whole weight on your figure.

oof!

"sorry, how are you?" he asked, kissing all over your neck. you said no words, upset because you were lonely all day which now you think was petty. "y/nnnn" he dragged the last syllable, whining.

"i have a surprise." mingyu took your hand, kissing it before sliding a ring on your ring finger. "will you be my valentines?"

you stopped breathing, looking admiring at the ring sitting on your finger, if he didn't say anything you'd think it was a proposal. "you can't resist me~" he smiled, teasing you.

"i– gyu–" you stuttered out, complete awestruck by him which is also mixing with your drowsiness.

"i know, i know... it's late, but it's still valentines? doesn't matter what the date is, i will love you forever."

mingyu kissed you passionately, his hands roaming around your waist. smiling inbetween the kiss when you kissed back. "you bastard... i love you. of course i'll be your valentine."

"i took long because the shop owner was showing me all of their rings, i couldn't say no because they looked so excited to introduce me to it." he paused, not wanting to continue.

"mingyu... what did you do?"

jeonghan kept whining about how his ankle hurts and how you are being unfair that you're not taking great care of him.

"seriously."

you ended up dragging his heavy body down the stairs, you're glad you didn't roll down with how much weight he's putting on your own body. "for someone who doesn't work out, shit, you're heavy."

"ouch!" he pouted, feeling half offended.

he stayed quiet, almost too quiet for your liking. you furrowed your eyebrows, looking at him as if his silence means something mischievous.

"undress me. it's sooo hot."

you groaned again, rolling your eyes over your boyfriend who you now think there is a child in front of you. "your ankle is what's broken, how's that got to do with undressing."

"but my whole body hurts!" if he looks closely, a vein is about to pop on your neck with how annoyed you are. instead of arguing you just sighed, whining back is pointless so you decided to follow his orders.

"this is the last thing i'll do for you."

you leaned over at him, gripping the hem of his hoodie before fully pulling it over him, realizing he's wearing nothing underneath. you never expected jeonghan as someone who is well-built, judging with his routine you never even seen him entering a gym, even if he did he'd be at the corner eating a packet of chips.

his body isn't super big but the six pack is visible, the veins on his biceps are visible too—

"you're taking too long." he huffed out.

you snapped out of your inner monologue. "right." you finally took his hoodie off, his upper body exposed to your sight. it hasn't been a year since you dated jeonghan so it's a first to see his chest bare; it's a sight to behold. it isn't often he wears sleeveless shirts.

a smirk creeped its way up his mouth at your expression. "what? like what you see?"

"g–go wear a shirt." his mischievous smile caught your attention. "this—this is a trick isn't it! is that a fake body?" you joked around, but from his facial expression you immediately regret saying anything.

"you underestimate me too much baby." he pouted. you can't even focus properly at his face at how bare his body is looking back at you, it's distracting.

"i–i'm sorry." he glared at you before smiling softly, pulling you into his embrace, pecking your lips.

joshua hong sent a voicemail.

: "it's been a while, how are you? i miss you... so much. you're probably asleep at this time, good you should be, i believe it's midnight over there. it's not easy here (sigh), honestly, i dunno if i can continue. i'm glad i have jeonghan here, but still... i wish you were here. text me if you see this... or call me when you can, love you."

amidst the stress from projects and tests, hearing his voice somehow makes your day easier-less overwhelming. ever since he moved out from l.a. it's been difficult trying to converse with him, he's been busy, a lot more busy than before, and that's when you realized you had a lot more time than him when you find yourself at night, sitting on the floor waiting for his reply, just something from him.

joshua hong sent a voicemail.

: "i can't sleep, i've been having trouble sleeping ever since i left, weird? or maybe because knowing i don't get to see you just makes me sad. probably. (chuckles) i miss you, i miss your voice and hey! leave me a voicemail too, i can't be the only one doing the work haha! oh, gotta go. i might get caught, love you."

and you never once sent a voicemail back, too occupied by the comfort of his voice you go in a trance, daydreaming for the day you'll be able to see him again, knowing it'll take years.

joshua hong sent a voicemail.

: "i can't believe it! we're finally debuting, after years of hard work, everything works out in the end. i'm glad i didn't quit, i'm glad you told me not to give up. i am so happy. i wish you were here, i miss you. i promise to visit you when i'm free or! when we're on tour, i'll request to include wherever you are, are you still home? please... call me when you have time, love you."

sometimes you wonder how he's able to love someone even if their not within their distance, because you can't. the thought that he's miles away from you makes you sick to the stomach, it makes you homesick.

years passed, more than you expected. joshua changed, he stopped sending voicemails, rarely sending messages. you changed, you stopped anticipating on his updates, stopped waiting on his voicemails.

there was no proper break up, he never mentioned anything and you never said anything. you guys just... drifted apart.

your phone vibrated from your pocket, you thought it would be your friend but, oh were you so mistaken. his name popped up, how could you ever forget his name? his contact was still on your phone, even if you changed your phone, you'd still include him on your contacts.

hong joshua is calling.

instead of letting it ring, you swallowed your pride and accepted the call. immediately putting your phone on your ear, wanting to hear his voice again, after so many years, you wanted to feel the comfort of his voice.

"hey."

...

"how are you?"

"i'm good."

"hm?"

"what's up..?"

"i don't know... why i called you."

"but, will we see each other again?"

you choked out a sob, there and then do you remember how softspoken joshua really is, from years of not calling, you've forgotten how sweet of a honey his voice sounds like but his words sounds slurred as if he's not thinking about what he's saying, was he drinking?

"no, nevermind. bye."

"joshua wait-" then the line drops.

you didn't even have the chance to say anything—no, he didn't give you a chance to speak. you cursed at yourself, you knew he was busy and even had the time to call, yet you took your sweet time relishing his voice that you forgot your own.

you're sitting across the jet-black haired man, his glasses peacefully sitting just below the bridge of his nose, the fringe of his hair dancing as the wind blows ever so gently inbetween the gaps of his hair. the butterscotch sunrise was pulchritudinous, painting itself behind the man—being able to excuse as watching the sunrise, but god knows you were not looking at the view at all, not even once when he came in sight. sighing in defeat as you uncomfortably shifted on the bench.

"and there she is." jeonghan's voice echoed through your mind, taking a seat next to you without asking if it was taken, in which it was totally not but it is reserved in case wonwoo wants to sit next to you. "pardon...?" breaking out of the trance and loosing eye contact over wonwoo's figure.

"oh, my y/n." jeonghan sighed, slouching on the bench. hands on the chair making you distance yourself away from him. "what a gentleman." you murmured, rolling your eyes on him. for a while, you were slouching too. resting your weight on jeonghan's shoulder as you, once again, watched his figure from afar.

"so, when?"

the question floated around your mind, going round in circles.

"jeong... you know i appreciate your concern. i do, really." you paused, trying thinking of the right words to use for a reply. "but i also want you to respect my decision on keeping quiet about my feelings." internally cursing, miserably failing.

he remained quiet, as if mimicking the gesture you did earlier—thinking of the precise words to use in this situation. yoon jeonghan isn't the type to get sentimental, you'd rarely hear him getting serious and be involve in deep talks such as what you guys are having at the moment, it's unfamiliar of him to do so.

"sweetheart. how about... thinking about yourself hm?"

"don't bottle your feelings in a bubble, it'll force itself to pop, would you rather that than going at your own pace?" he questioned, almost interrogating you. his eyes scrutinizing every of your reaction, feeling shy under his gaze.

"for instance, see that cloud?" he pointed at the area where it predicts an upcoming rain, the grey cloud floating lonely and slowly moving towards your direction.

"that cloud... is going to burst as soon as it stops above our area, why? because... it's holding itself back from breaking down; and there's someone i know who also bottles up their emotion." he winked at you before comfortably sitting, as if the bench is pulling him down as one.

"are we talking about me or..." you choked out a laugh, at the corner of your eye you see him pouting. "what i'm saying is, if you don't take the risk now, there will be a time you will end up unintentionally confessing, you know what i mean?"

mid-way his sentiments, your eyes drilled on the ground. his words lingering around your mind once again, crossing your arms and choking out a sigh. "that's unusual of you."

"huh?"

"you're not... like this or maybe i just haven't seen this side of you." you mumbled out, letting your mouth release words that pops out of your thoughts and not bothering to think about them.

he merely chuckled at your comment. successfully drifting your mind off of wonwoo who left the area more than a while ago.

"are you okay?" asked wonwoo, the man who you least wanted to be the one talking to you at this state, especially right after what jeonghan just said. "you look like you've read the secrets of the universe."

"shut up."

you expected him to at least chuckle or laugh but the way he looked at you, is like a cat in a shelter begging to be adopted, especially by you. "wons— i didn't mean literally."

"what's on your mind, pray tell?"

you kept quiet, wanting time to pass by until he bids you farewell—but yet wanting time to stop just to be by his side for a little longer. "if... would you rather take the risk or no?" you bit your lip in anticipation.

"take the risk. i mean, it is better than losing a chance or opportunity on something great." he replied, no hesitation nor a thought behind those eyes, almost as if he's heard of that question loads of times. "i don't want to be haunted by the regret of not knowing what the other person was thinking about me or... what they think about my feelings." you bit the inside of your cheek, and you swear that response is directed to you.

"why do you ask? do you have someone in mind?" he teased, and you swear you heard dejection mixing in his tone of voice. your eyes met his, his chocolate irises staring at you, you can't read on know how long he's been staring.

just like yesterday, the sunset painted itself behind the tall figure, the cerulean blue mixing with the honey color of the sun's hues; and for once you felt grateful for being alive. it felt like you were in a museum and is looking at the painting of vincent van gogh's starry night.

"sorry... what?" upon realizing time doesn't stop, you snapped out of your trance. "don't worry about it." he smiled, annoyingly, by instinct you showed a small smile after his. he was as beautiful as the starry night.

"let me guess, my dear beautiful y/n." jeonghan paced back and forth infront of you. "you haven't told him?" you groaned in annoyance, rolling your eyes for the nth time.

"don't pressure me!"

"i'm not!"

he teasingly smiled, laughing at your face. jeonghan stopped and looked at you, his eyes displayed a worrying emotion as he placed his hand just above his hips, a sigh forcing itself out of his mouth.

"i... i can't."

"i-i swear sometimes i think... i think i ha-have a chance but most of the time i think... that's-that's just how he is." you stuttered, blabbering away your feelings to your best friend, not giving any thoughts on what you're saying. another sigh leaves his lips, this time a bit more loud and deep.

"jeonghan! it's not like i'm gonna die if i don't get to hold his hand at least once in this lifetime."

"so you think in another lifetime you guys are together?" he raised his brows, amused by your mind. "it doesn't hurt to imagine..." and he laughed, hands clutching his stomach and dropping on his soft bed. "it also doesn't hurt to confess."

"that is!... out of topic."

"it's a suggestion! i'm just saying, y/n. it's doesn't and will never hurt." he said, face planted on the sheets as his arms rest straight on his side, barely even hearing what he said as it's muffled by the sheets.

"whatever you say, mr. know-it-all." you teased, elbowing his back.

"since you're so good at this, maybe you're eyeing someone huh? or or! maybe you do already have someone." you gasped at your own nonsense, dropping down on your back as your hair sprawled around the bed in the process.

"before you assume, i have no one." his head peeked at your figure. "though i am eyeing someone."

"who who!"

"it's a secret!"

"y/n..." wonwoo called out, peeking from behind the wall that separates the kitchen and living room. "wonwoo..." you called out back, also peeking behind the tv, giggling once you see the four-eyed man who's trying and struggling to cook dinner for the both of them. "help?"

you rushed over to his side of the room, discarding the controller and pausing the game. taking lead of the food who is clearly gasping for water as wonwoo put a little more less amount of water required.

"your future husband will be lucky to have you." as if air prohibited itself from entering your lungs, you choked out a cough. "too weird?" he smiled, the crease of his cheeks being visible than normal due to the scrunch of his nose—you swear every time you're with him, the description of his presence is always detailed.

"coming from you? definitely." you laughed, turning off the stove. "let's eat?"

you two ate in piece at the counter, once in a while hearing a slurping sound. "wonwoo... do you have anyone in mind?" you asked, mid-way of consuming your noodles.

he didn't say anything, for a while you thought maybe it was a personal question. you worry that you made him feel uncomfortable knowing he doesn't like to open up about his feelings, your fingers fisting itself as you cursed under your breath.

"yeah, actually i do. it's just that... i don't think they feel the same way as i do, i often see her with a close friend of mine. i don't expect anything anymore."

you looked at him and he was already staring at you. "eh?"

"i try not to think about it. but i always fail, she just looks... more happy with him." he sorrowly responded, you almost feel regret at asking such a question. "well... maybe she's just... i don't know." oh how you failed miserably at comforting wonwoo, making him chuckle at your attempt.

"don't worry about it, i'm glad that she's happy, it makes me happy too."

regardless of the fact that you're already eating ramen yet your mouth felt dry, gulping every now and then as each minute passes by with no words exchanged. "how about you?" he asked, breaking the awkward. "me...? oh, yeah." you licked your lips trying to wet the dryness of it. "i don't think he feels the same way."

"why?"

"it feels as though... his gestures or... or the way he is with me, i feel like he's like that with everyone, y'know? i can't predict or read him like usual when it comes to this, he's way too unpredictable." emphasizing on unpredictable. you sighed in relief, finally getting that out of your chest—now the next thing you need to get out, is in your heart.

"is that so? but if you don't do anything about it then you're never gonna find out what his actual feelings are." he toyed with his food, not having the appetite anymore.

you felt uncomfortable. guilt is eating you up instead of the untouched ramen on your bowl, the conversation feels like two people pinning and misunderstanding each others feelings.

"but who am i kidding? it's your decision, y/n. do what you feel is best for you." he smiled.

and for once you wished he never smiled nor said anything after. each of his expressions and words felt like a grappling hook, pulling you towards him even more than you want. you wished you never invited him to your place, you wished you never sparked up that conversation.

"i like you."

...

what?

"i've realized all these advise that i give about taking risk, i never actually applied it to myself. but now we're on this topic why not just give in to my fears?" he smiled, leaning on the marble counter, his muscle flexing. his glasses slowly dropping down his nose, eyes closed; indicating he's afraid of the present time.

"wonwoo..." you called out, mouth agape. "well i guess now i can say... maybe he's not like that to everyone but me?"

he looked up at you, pushing his glasses above the bridge of his nose. "wait..." slowly, a smile appeared on his lips, the same crease on his cheeks showing as his nose scrunched. "holy— for real?"

"aren't i too obvious about it? by now i thought you'd know since you're so good at reading others."

he shook his head, the fringe of his hair swaying side to side at the gesture. "i always figured you and jeonghan had something, considering the fact that he has a crush on you too."

wait... what?

"so, wonwoo told you?"

you never really noticed anything about jeonghan, but now looking closely he was just as beautiful as the sunrise and sunset behind wonwoo every time you admire him. jeonghan has always been by your side at times when you're being hopelessly in love with his best friend.

"unintentionally."

he laughs at the thought that his own words backfired at him, unintentionally confessing.

"why did you never..."

"tell you?" he finished the sentence, looking down at your shoes, the shoes he bought on your birthday.

"i know i know, i make such good advises yet i never apply it to myself but how could i? my own love was too busy noticing the details of another. i'm not too cruel to ruin that, i don't want to be a homewrecker."

you've no words to respond to him, it has always been him to be the first to speak. you never once did the first move on him.

"i kept asking when you're finally going to tell him so i know how and when to brace myself for when the day comes. i've known about wonwoo's feelings for a while now and hearing you both talk about each other? that's why i kept on pushing you."

you apologized, a small 'sorry' but you know that doesn't stop you from hearing the break of his heart, shattering into pieces that is hard to see, an atom shard glass that can't be fixed again.

"you know? if wonwoo never confessed. you gave into your fears and opened up—then maybe, just maybe i could've given you a chance."

he chuckled, annoyance lacing his voice. "and you say this just now?" your shoulders shrugged.

seungkwan, who is willing to sacrifice his tiredness so you can sleep too. "i'm sorry baby, you should sleep. you have work tomorrow." you pushed him to the bed, his eyes almost closing at the warmth. "'hm, no. i'll sing you to sleep." he pulled you to him, tightly hugging you. "it's 1 am kwannie." you complained but to no use, he was already singing softly, lulling you to dream land.

seungkwan, who always will notice small changes in you, even if it's so dumb. "woah." he exclaimed. "what?" "you look beautiful." you rolled your eyes. you had just his t-shirt and shorts on with messy hair. "you tried the mascara i bought you." you were shock he'd even see that, you only applied so little that you didn't even think it did anything.

seungkwan who would appreciate little things you do or give him. "i'm sorry it isn't much, i had a rough time trying to find something you'd actually like." you smiled slightly, playing with your fingers. "i think it's amazing." you bought him a bracelet that has lots of designs, one of them being a dog and a heart. "you're not lying are you?" "why would i?" also seungkwan who would wear accessories you gift to him everyday, not taking it off. "hyung, i've never seen you take that off once." dino said, sitting down next to him. "his girlfriend gave him that." "i've never even seen you use my present once!" seungcheol exclaimed on the other side of the room.

seungkwan, who will proudly show you off and defend you. "my partner gave me this shirt, i haven't washed it yet. i was too excited to wear it." seungkwan laughed and moved away to show off his outfit that you thought would look good on him. "it's ugly? yah! if your partner gifted the same shirt, will you still think it's ugly?" he sassed out. "it's not even yours it's mine." he added. "AND even if i don't like it, i'd still wear it because she had the effort to buy me this."

seungkwan, who will make an effort to learn your native language. "seungkwan, what're you doing?" you asked, resting your head onto his shoulder. "i'm learning (language)." you couldn't help but crack a smile. "seriously? you don't have to." he kissed your cheek. "i want to."

quickly putting his shoes away, he walked over to the living room to see you all curled up on the couch with the comforter, tightly wrapper around you, that he bought for you.

you were too focus to hear his voice, even though you watched the show way too many times to even memorize some lines of your favorite character, it always makes you feel like you watched it for the first time. a hand crept on your shoulder making you jolt.

"hey, what did i tell you about waiting for me?"

"save the scolding, it's christmas! well past christmas."

wonwoo had already greeted you during christmas eve, and during christmas, but both of you didn't exactly spend the christmas together, you spent it on family and friends while he did the same with his members and family. the only time you spent christmas together was when you both visited his mother's grave, unintentionally.

he appreciates that you kept your promise on going every month but always he assures that it's okay to forget or not visit every month, especially when he saw you crying on your bedroom about how you forgot to visit his mother's grave.

"hey y/n, sweetie it's fine." he chuckled at your teary eyes. "i'm sure my mom wouldn't mind, she isn't going anywhere." you couldn't form any words, you just kept on whining.

"'m sorry, next christmas. i promise." wonwoo smiled.