closed.

i had to go on a break for a while because ~exams~, and even though they’re over now, my feelings towards this blog have changed a lot. i’m not happy with my writing and it’s nowhere near as fun as it used to be. i'm sorry to anybody who i haven’t been responding to and the unanswered asks in my inbox, but i’ve become ultra-unmotivated and i don’t know why (but i have an idea hjksdhfkjsf).

writing reader x member fics (especially for fandoms that i’m no longer into as much as i used to be) isn’t fun anymore, and that’s okay !! people’s preferences change, and that’s okay too :DDD. also, lack of feedback was frustrating. yes, it’s fun to write regardless of how much traction fics get, but unless you’ve experienced your favourite-ever fic getting 40 notes while a half-assed smut drabble gets 400, you don’t know how disheartening it can get. i’m hoping that ao3 will be better in those terms (even though it has a feedback problem too, the feedback is still more plentiful and qualitative than tumblr when it comes to fics oof).

still, i’m focusing on writing what i want and working on quality vs quantity, so it’s getting better !! i’m just going to migrate to ao3 and write on there, especially because social media drains me quite a bit and i’d rather just do my thing on a website focused on writing.

to all the friends that i’ve made here, i luv u all !! if anybody wants to contact me just dm me and i’ll figure out a way for us to keep in touch !!

i’m going to keep giffing on tumblr, but i’ve changed my gif blog name and i’m trying to remove any association between this blog and my gif blog (i’m sorry, do understand 😭) so if you’re going to follow me on there, keep in mind that i want nothing to do with this old blog over there (that includes my name btw !! since i’m leaving it doesn’t matter as much so i won’t change it here or anything, but i go by rodie now 🥺💖)

i’m going to publish the bridgerton au here and have it up for a week before disabling this blog completely (only cos i’ve hyped it up sm lmao) but that’s prolly going to be my last fic of the sort. **cracks knuckles** only gonna fuck with long angsty /slash fics from now :DDD since that’s far more up my street lol.

sorry for just leaving, but it feels like something i need to do.

TL;DR - i’m shutting down illicit-roses soon because i no longer like it, will migrate to ao3 and just write atz member x member fics on there (dm for link !), will continue giffing (don’t bring up my old blog on there please) and i’ll publish the bridgerton au before i go !!)

The problem was that he loved you too much, too much to ever even risk hurting you, to risk ruining the friendship.

Especially since you were dating somebody else.

It broke Jimin, though, it honestly did. If it was up to him, he'd run to your shared apartment (which was in that guy's name, sadly) and give Jaebeom a piece of his mind (though Jimin wasn't one who tended to condone violence).

What was the point of dating somebody who did nothing but hurt your feelings?

It was a sadly regular occurrence, spanning over the course of a few months. Every two weeks, you would have an argument with Jaebeom. One time you came with a small bruise on the inside of your wrist and Jimin saw red, about to storm out before you assured him that it was from you digging your thumb into your wrist too hard. Jaebeom never got physical, but his words were more than enough to wound. They were never small arguments, no; earth-shaking, I'll-kick-your-ass-out-of-my-goddamn-apartment, hurling-verbal-daggers-at-each-other kinds of arguments.

Though it was always Jaebeom delivering the final blow, an insult so sharp it would pierce your heart and have you buckling to your knees, rushing out of the apartment, tears streaming down your face as you ran away. Ran into Jimin's arms.

What could your best friend do, other than do his best to be comforting? He'd rub your back, wipe your tears away, bring you water and soothe your cries. Not much needed to be said; his presence was calming enough.

You couldn't see his clenched fists, knuckles pale and tight with anger.

A few months back, Jimin snapped, turning to face you with anger in his eyes. His voice was fraught with frustration, though he hid it well as he blurted out, "Why on earth won't you just leave him?"

You'd looked at Jimin with teary eyes, gaze open and oh-so-vulnerable.

"Because I love him."

This useless exchange is what flashed through Jimin's head later on, your face buried in his chest, stroking your hair and trying to soothe your sobs.

How could you love somebody who hurt you like that?

Being with somebody you love should be as easy as breathing; even if there are hitches and hiccups, it should be simple.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Any deeper issues with that simple system are somewhat concerning, no?

You sobbed against his chest. "Jaebeom says this is the last time, that he's breaking up with me for real now."

"Hmm." Jimin didn't have much to say to that; every single time was the last fight, the last time he yells, the final straw. It would be a relief if your shitty boyfriend finally ended things, even if it would break you down for a little while.

It was better in the long run, you'd be far happier on your own.

Wet eyelashes, sad eyes, features softened by your crying. Everything about you was always soft, almost as if you were too delicate for the real world.

"Jimin, could you kiss me?" It came out of the blue, something he didn't expect at all.

"What? No!" He already hated Jaebeom, but your boyfriend was the strong sort, spends-more-time-at-the-gym-than-with-people-sort, and Jimin didn't want to be on the receiving end of those punches. Besides, if Jimin did anything with you, well, he wouldn’t be able to let you go. He wasn't going to be a cheater, no matter how much he thinks Jaebeom deserved to be cheated on. And that would make you a cheater, too.

Even though the thought of kissing you was so tempting.

"Oh, okay." Your voice was sad, though you would be lying if you said you hadn't already seen this response coming. Jimin hums in thought, looking down at you.

"Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so sharp. Why would you ask me that, though?"

Your breath came out in small puffs, out-out-out. "Well, Jaebeom never really wants to kiss..." you shifted slightly, and Jimin gleaned your indirect words, keeping his anger suppressed as he let out a somewhat shaky breath. "And I want to know if being kissed by a friend would be different."

A friend. "Mhm, sorry. I can't kiss you if you're with somebody else, _____, that's cheating."

"True." You sighed into his chest once again, arms curled around his torso. "Just tell me it'll be okay."

"It will, it really will." The words felt hollow and empty coming out of his mouth, though it wasn't like you could tell; they put you to ease, and to sleep, quickly enough.

It's only then; when your head is in the clouds that people quantify by calling dreams does Jimin let his heart take the lead instead of his head, brushing his soft lips against your chapped ones.

The contact lasted for barely a second, yet he feels like he wants so much more.

He wanted to give you the universe, wanted to give you his heart wholly, and you'd hand him yours. He'd cushion it in bubble wrap, treasuring every moment with you, brushing your hair away from your face and telling you that you deserve so much more than what your boyfriend gave you.

He can't say that; can't let the love confessions leave his lips, paralysed with fear.

So instead, Jimin buried them deep, pretending that nothing had happened, knowing he'd sob into his pillow later on in the late hours of the night, let jealousy, fear and hatred engulf him completely.

Minho smirks from across the table, pressing the button one more, the click echoing in your head.

But nobody else hears it.

You bite at the inside of your cheek, drawing a slight tang of blood, the taste metallic in your mouth. Anything to suppress your moans, the vibrator near-silent, though every movement felt like it was echoing in your head.

I will not moan in a public space.

And this wasn't any occasion, this was an anniversary. One year since your friend group had escaped from college, and the result of that was this fancy restaurant outing, everybody in attendance.

And Minho decided to screw you over; that cursed vibrator was preventing you from enjoying anything.

All the girls in your circle of tables had gone to the bathroom, though Lia kept giving you concerned looks, frowning when you shook her off, insisting that you were fine and simply tired.

You didn't trust yourself to walk straight, not in this condition.

Minho simply watches, enjoying the way you unravel in front of him. Two orgasms in, you were already unable to handle the toy sheathed inside you. He kept increasing its intensity with the discreet remote, eyes darkening with every quiver you let out.

He wonders if you could take five orgasms that day.

It didn't seem likely, judging by the way you were trying not to shake, and you were only two in. You were good, very skilled at concealing your current state, but there was a limit. Already people could tell that you weren't doing so well, though they didn't have an inkling as to why. None of them could tell that it wasn't exhaustion; no, the actual reason was far lewder.

They couldn't tell yet.

You seek out Minho's, silently pleading with him as you widen your eyes. It's almost like beaming a thought, and oh you wished he could currently hear yours.

Please turn it off, I can't...

Minho's reaction is simply to smile, clicking the button and raising the intensity levels once more.

Sinking your teeth into your bottom lip, you let your foot shake under the table, hips only moving slightly as your third orgasm washes over you. 

Your body is on edge; you're barely able to contain yourself, to keep your sounds silent. It feels like your release is soaking through your clothes, and you earnestly hope that it didn't.

It seems like this is all that you can take since you sway a little before leaning into Felix, head against his shoulder as you shake slightly.

“Shit, _____?” He's confused, wondering if you're in any pain, and you sigh.

"Tired... so tired..."

"I'll call a taxi." Lia comes from the bathroom, Ryujin, Yeji, Yu-na and Chaeryeong following behind her, their heels clicking against the floor as Yeji fiddles with the phone in her hand. A few flicks later, a cab is on its way, Minho by your side out by the road.

"Babe..."

"You couldn't hold out." His eyebrow is raised in amusement at your shaky state, but his tone is ice-cold.

"I'm sorry—"

Putting his hand up to silence you as the cab pulls to a stop at the curb.

"Don't be. After all, you'll cum around my fingers so many more times later, hmm?"

He clicks the vibrator remote and turns it off altogether, your sigh of relief short-lived as its replaced with a sense of dread.