This one's for all my fellow "Are you mad at me?" motherfuckers, a troubleshooting list:
Is it likely that whoever you're thinking of is mad at you? On a scale of one to ten (one being 'nah' ten being 'oh yeah fuck they are') rank this feeling now.
If you're ranking higher than a five, write out what signals you're getting that make you think this person is mad at you. (ie: We normally talk every day, but I haven't heard from them/ I asked them a question and they haven't gotten back to me. / Their last message was really short. / At the end of our hangout they got quiet and I couldn't read their face. )
For each of these signals, write out potential alternative meanings for them that have nothing to do with you. (ie: They were up really late and are tired today, so haven't been chatty./ They're really busy with a work thing. /They've been worried about X. /They might be embarrassed for saying Y.)
Now, rank each of those alternative meanings in terms of likelihood from 1-10 (you don't need 10 alternatives, 10 is just the scale we're working with, use a 7 point scale if you like it better, do you).
If you're still feeling anxious that you've done something that could have upset them, write out a bulleted list of potential reasons this person is mad at you. Rank each of those items.
Go down this list one by one and for each potential reason this person is mad/hurt/upset, write out why you think this may have hurt them. If you can't think of a reason why this action may have upset them, cross it out. That's a gremlin thought, your brain grasping at straws about why you're bad and everyone knows it.
Look at your collective lists. You should have a list of signals you're getting from the person you're worried about, a list of non-you reasons they may be acting that way, and a list of you reasons they may be acting that way. The second two lists should have a "1-10" likelihood number next to them.
Now, looking at those two lists side by side, which one feels more plausible?
If the answer is "it's more likely not to be about you" list, take a deep breath, and maybe reach out to your friend, not in a "we need to talk way" but a thinking of you way. If they're acting noticeably different, maybe they're going through some shit and could use some support, or if you aren't in a support place, some loving vibes.
Now, if the answer is still the "you are the reason they're acting this way" list, guess what? Write another list. This time, write about all the consequences you're worried about from them being mad at you. (Ie, I'm scared I've lost their trust around X. I'm worried they will think poorly of me. I'm afraid they'll tell other people negative things about me. I'm scared they won't want to hang out anymore. I'm afraid I won't be able to make up for this. I'm afraid they'll scream at me and call me names. I'm afraid they'll be cold to me for weeks.)
Now, once more, scale the likelihood of those consequences.
(A note: if it feels incredibly likely this person will scream at you and call you names for doing something that's hurt or displeased them, or that they'll tell everyone that you're a bad person, reflect on what that relationship is bringing into you life and whether it's serving you or hurting you. Making mistakes and hurting people is part of being close, and people are allowed to be angry when we hurt them, but there are ways to express anger that don't make us feel like we're bad or frightened.)
Looking at your list of consequences, write a parallel list of "and then what." for example, if one of your consequences is "If I've lost their trust around X, then I will ask them how they would like me to change going forward to start rebuilding that trust." or "If they no longer wish to be in my life, then I will be deeply sad and grieve that connection, but I will still have those memories and will not repeat the actions that lost that connection."
Now, you've got your list of potential issues, you've got your list of potential consequences, you have looked at the wild, tangled ball of "what if,
what if, what if" and organized it, then reminded yourself that for every consequence, there is still an after, you still have choices you can make to move forward.
So what do you do?
Well, you reach out to the person you're pretty sure you've upset, and you ask them if they'd like to talk.
Something like, "Hey, we hung out the other day, and I noticed you got a bit quiet after I said X, I wanted to check if I hurt you and apologize because it was not my intention, but I'd love to talk about how you're feeling and what I can do to apologize if anything?"
I know this part is hard, but you'll never get rid of your what-ifs, or make amends if you don't talk about it with the person you're worried about. And it may turn out you were still wrong and they weren't upset with you at all, or maybe they were upset with you, but over something completely different. But if that's the case, you can work through that with them.
When we're trained to associate someone being upset with us with getting punished, it can make every uncertain silence a landmine of scary possibilities. But we can shift and build trust that hurting someone does not automatically mean we'll be discarded or in trouble. We can work to believe in neutral pauses, in off behavior that isn't "our fault," in being loved and flawed without having to fawn our way into being kept in people's lives.
This troubleshooting list is not perfect, but I hope it may be of use.
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