idek anymore

doing well in college didn't help as much, i still felt like a failure

doing well at work didn't help as much, i still felt out of place and imposter syndrome kicked my ass every single day

and being unemployed felt like hell, with all the uncertainty and doubt

having friends who love and support me didn't help as much, i still felt like they don't really like me

being emotionally involved with someone didn't help as much, i still felt like i was walking on eggshells everytime, and the times i did actually stop walking on eggshells it blew up

and naturally being and feeling all alone was the worst thing in the world

playing sports didn't help as much, i've never wanted to go away from something so fast yet missed it whenever i wasn't playing

playing videogames didn't help as much, my brain is fried from all the dopamine hits, same with social media

having a cat didn't help as much, i wish i didn't have a cat now, i can't give up for her sake, i want her to be happy and thriving

when i had everything i wish i had nothing, and when i didn't have anything i wish i had something

is this how it is? is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? just unable to appreciate the beauty in life? unable to be content? be truly happy? is there even such a thing as true happiness?

have i even experienced such happiness that i'm setting an unrealistic expectation of what i want it to be while being unable to appreciate what is?

have i become so accustomed to misery and pain that i've lost sight of myself? am i doomed to feel this way all me life?

i have had the opportunity to end my life quite a few times yet i didn't do it. couldn't muster up the courage to do so. yet i yearn for death everyday. perhaps i wish i dealt with hardship better than i do now. perhaps everyone does. perhaps my anxiety does not allow me to deal with hardship as well as i can

i do not know how i acquired this anxiety but i do wish i could get rid of it. cast it away, shun it. perhaps the knowledge of doing so is within me but following through would mean dealing with the unknown. and the unknown is a scary place. for i do not know whether venturing out into the unknown will lead me to elysium or tartarus. one small misstep, one small mistake and it all may come crashing down. have i become so enamoured by something ideal that i do not appreciate the reality?