I have an appetite for destruction.

People do crazy shit after break ups, and I believe I am allowing myself do all of them, I am letting myself experience it all and see what works best for me. And what doesn’t work as well. These releases are just ultimate escapes from feeling anything. Being numb. Yet at the same time, letting go. I’m embracing the feelings and urges: good and bad. Trying to look back with a different perspective and with as much grace as I possibly can.

I am currently in the process of documenting everything. The stages I’ve been through, and the ones I’m yet to go through. This is important for me so that I can look back and see how far I’ve come whilst at the same time seeing with my own eyes what needs to be worked on. This is just a taste of my story. The rest is yet to come. It’s been a positive cleansing experience. I’ve found the inner fighter in me. The one who has the power and courage to conquer anything.

This is my first break up from my first true love. I am working to forgive her, not so that we can have a future together, but so that I do not harbor ill will or any bitterness toward another soul, a soul that I once called my lover and loved unconditionally with all my heart. Holding onto anger and pain doesn’t hurt anyone but me. That is my past, and I am going to chose to look forward.

The most important part in letting go and finding forgiveness is making time to grieve the relationship.. Listening to sad songs. Self harm. Drinking half a bottle of scotch to quieten my mind. Whatever it takes.

I feel like if we all took this important time to grieve and be alone, we can learn so much about ourselves. To rekindle with our lost spirit. A spirit that was once whole, one that was immensely connected to another human being in every possible way. We need time to put together the pieces of our broken hearts, one by one.

Time has opened my eyes up, completely. It been an incredible journey. I now have the opportunity to really see myself for what I am. Brave. Strong. Feisty. Passionate. Positive. Mature. Playful. A fighter. It’s hard not to see how mature I really am and how far I’ve come when I was always told that I have so much to learn and so much growing to do and many more life experiences to be had. To that I say… Bullllllshiiiit. I mean yes it is true to some extent. I am young. Although I do not believe you need to have super traumatic experiences or date a million people to have life experience. Life experience just is. How can you even begin to define it when we are all so different. We all cope with things in different ways. What feats must one accomplish to be life experienced? I believe life experience is not what you do, but what you make of each situation you are faced with. Yes, an immense number of pain and suffering would certainly give someone a deeper view of life, but unless they examine that suffering and learn to overcome it and grow as an individual then they haven’t really given those experiences the right amount of nurture, time and grief that is needed. Even though I am young, and sometimes naive, I have learnt through others that I am in fact quite mature for my age, especially in dealing with this break up. I’m not perfect, far from it, but I know I have my whole life ahead of me to pull apart my imperfect self and work on each flaw and trait.