AP Ottovan

Been a minute, have some teeth

Uncanny warning signs, a machine in the heart of a factory that will outlive you and all that you are, a monster that exists only in the shadow of the forge, etc. etc.

For the love of God for the love of God

Feel anything other than

Wings breaking through my back

And holding me close

In a touch that man could never mimic

Because for all his love and all his sweetness

Something deep has settled 

And bleeds in me 

And I dont know that I can shake it

Nor that I would ever want to

For without its weight 

I'm not certain I'd ever feel whole 

So can you take my hand 

And rest within me so

Together we can worry for the monster 

Though I'll still say it anyway,

For you and you and everyone that asks

Even though I want to be strong

I want to be brave

Though every night I nearly beg that 

Nothing will be started that I cant stop

So I say yes 

To all that you ask and 

All that I'll never believe 

You say you hurt the same as me 

But why is it I'm always the one

Crying on your shoulder

Or the one silently screaming,

"Please, God, don't leave me."

I am that dog on your back, 

I am the wound and 

The mouth that bites 

Your hand which feeds 

And I'm so sorry I can't be all you expect me to be

And just like bait in a trap, 

I will keep saying what I dont mean 

Other than:

"I love you, I love you, I love you," 

[Trigger Warning: Blood, Violence, Murder Mention]

When will it be her?

Behind the glass, the wheel spins. Every gift it gives is just enough to keep me strung along. Every item wears her scent, reflects her image. 

When will it be her?

Five dozen options, all carved into stone.

Tick, tick, tick.

The symbols are mirrored along the edge of the arena, each one stained and soaked in blood. 

Blood I give for her.

Finally, the wheel settles. 

A beast claws its way out of the red, scraping against stone.

So close.

Its breath is sweetness, its gaze fire. 

I hate it. 

It has been so difficult to stay quiet in my pursuit of love. How many more must go missing? 

It knows I’ll never reject a gift. 

I bring my face to its own. Skull to skull, glare to glare.

How shall it carry my burden?

It’s not enough to drown out the accusations. 

A witch hunt only to be stalled by tricks and honey words.

Plunge him into the water and if he burns it’s...

Murder! Murder! Murder!

I watch my own case from the crowd, breath cold and slow. 

Don’t look.

You won’t like what you see. 

Another drug into the pits. 

Every time my hands shake.

Careful.

Nothing steadies them.

It knows exactly what I need.

I know exactly what it wants. 

Murder! Murder! Murder!

A judge for an injustice. 

A daughter. A son. A wife.

Now a husband.

How many bones need to break?

Red washes over the floor.

The wheel creaks.

It spins.

She’s perfect.

It’s a shame she can’t be real.

My nails sink into the meat of my palm.

I hammer the glass.