Spontaneous Rapture

Last January I received a call from my boss telling me that I got recommended for a security conference in Vegas.  Prior to getting approval and traveling to Vegas, I encountered small hiccups that made me thought that the trip might be canceled. But before I knew it, February 20 came by so fast and I was boarded on a plane bound for the US, giddy happy for my first ever conference and excited to see my friends and boyfriend.

The conference lasted for five days and has different sessions and tracks that you can attend. Most of the sessions I attended pertain to Internet security and stories on breaches as experienced by organizations. Some companies showcased their technologies in the expo and during their presentations.  One of my favorite sessions is conducted by a blind engineer that discussed cloud computing with so much humor, using layman’s terms. Some of the tracks I attended I’m afraid are nosebleed because of the techie concepts, which honestly killed my brain cells. I enjoyed the expo more because of the conversations made with other participants from various industries. At first, I was intimidated with my fellow participants. They seem like CEOs or decision makers in their organizations (plus they’re so tall, it makes me feel like a hobbit). But I’m there to learn and share that knowledge to my teammates here. 

There were two venues for the conference: MGM Grand and Mandalay Bay Convention center. Most of the sessions are held in Mandalay Bay. Every morning I had to walk from my hotel going to MGM Grand where the shuttles going to Mandalay Bay are located. Although the hotel I stayed in is just in front of MGM Grand, it’s still a lot of walking inside the hotel to get to the back part where the shuttles are.  Like the airport in Vegas, most of the lobbies of the hotels in the Strip are peppered with slot machines and other gambling-related machines. Believe it or not, I didn’t get to gamble even with slot machines. It’s a waste of money and it doesn’t interest me at all. I’m not much of a club fan too. Loud music and people get on my nerves these days (signs of aging, perhaps).I’d rather go outside the Strip and explored nature-related activities in Vegas.

During the layover in LA, I met a Filipino guy who works for the navy and lives in Guam. He was nice enough to buy me lunch and shared stories about his life in the Philippines and abroad. He has a daughter, same age as me. And he reminded me of my dad, in some ways.

The last thing I wanted to write is a year-end review or reflections on what transpired in 2015. I can’t say that it was a bad year in the grand scheme of things because there’s always something to be grateful for whether it’s the mundane things we often overlooked or the essential matters like being loved and supported by family,  real friends, and special someone.  Perhaps, it’s arduous to write about the events last year as these may trigger pangs of regret and melancholy.

In 2015, I found myself at a crossroad. I wanted to transfer job and pursue my dream of working in a non-profit organization.  And then there’s also efforts to look for work abroad despite the minimal (to say the least) chances of getting an interview due to qualifications or paper (visa) concerns. I’m fully aware that there’s a low probability for me to get a job in the U.S. with my current status, but I kept trying since I believe that in the end, it’s better to give it a shot especially if it means a lot to you. No matter how small the chances are, it’s still better to try rather than doing nothing except wait for something to happen. Yes, it’s difficult but it’s never impossible.

I also had a lot of realizations especially when it comes to relationships. At this point in time, I’d rather have meaningful friendships that are real and will help you become a better person rather than stick with people who belittles you and your dreams or speaks negatively about you behind your back.  Though, it really does hurt to let go of people who have been part of your life, I maintained that it’s better to detach oneself from toxic people who don’t necessarily help you grow. It’s normal for people to drift apart or outgrow one another but once someone breaks your trust, it’s hard to be comfortable around them. In the end, those who want to stay or be part of your life will exert efforts or will always be true to you through thick and thin.  

On another note, I also come to terms that I have a lot of fears—be that driving, swimming in deep waters, or taking a risk.  Sometimes, I let my fears sabotage my own happiness.  The tendency I have is to shut off people around me when I dwell on my fears a little too much. And this has become a concern especially with my partner as we realize that most of our arguments (at its core) are related to these fears of losing someone or never going to be enough. Sometimes, I think I’m such as fucked up girl with lots of hang-ups. I tried to curb these fears but on some days, it’s easier to succumb and feel drowned by one’s fears and insecurities.

I have many things to do/accomplish this year.  For one, I should focus my energy on graduate school. God knows, I was lazy or too preoccupied with other concerns to do any research. And then there’s pursuing another goal of setting up a small business. Last Christmas season, I thoroughly enjoyed baking/selling goodies. I hope I can learn how to drive properly and be able to travel and write more. I hope I can contribute more to my family or do worthwhile causes that can have a positive impact to society.