Rarin' Ta Go

And The Line Was Long

We keep ourselves in a very busy state, as most of us have our daily responsibilities, tasks to occupy our focus, and each spare moment is filled with a constant online presence. When was the last time you were in a space either by yourself or with others where there wasn’t

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within someone’s reach? It happens few and far…

Once the holidays were over and I returned to America, I decided when my job on the film I was working on ended that I would return to Europe and live in Amsterdam as long as my tourist visa would allow (3 months for Americans). Once my 30th birthday came around at the end of February, I packed my bags a week later and headed back to Holland. Once there, I found myself trekking out on my own quite often, but always meeting up with my newly acquired friends and always having what started out to be a one-beer meetup turn into an all-night party with these wonderful people. Lout and I started to get to know each other even better, and it was after one of these late night gatherings that we all ended up back at the Marnixstraat (home of Dr. Z at the time and the hot spot for all after party after-party gatherings) that Lout confessed something to me. She was deep into her drunkenness and was shouting loudly across the table to me “I have to tell you something! When we first met, I called you Trashley because I didn’t know you, and was thinking who is this girl, Ashley…..I don’t know about her” …..my first reaction was whaaaaaaaatttt!!! is she telling me! Feelings a bit hurt, or at least bruised, she went on “but now that I’ve gotten to know you, I just wanted to say I’m sorry I called you that. I think you’re really great”. And while at that very moment I didn’t know what to do with that information, I came to realize that this was just Lout’s brutal honesty coming out, telling it like it is, and her way of saying that she was really glad she got to know me better. She always let you know where you stood, and while the words may have seemed harsh, she was actually very sensitive to how others felt and always wanted to keep it real.

On another occasion, we came home (yes, again after many many beers) and she started to play some videos from when she was on a game show called Lingo, and she showed me her terrible haircut (according to her!) but was VERY proud of how she did on the show as well as her moment of fame (but maybe not fortune). She also described a scenario from some festival where during a break between the music they had a band playing songs people requested, so she got on stage and sang the only song she knew the words by heart……a song from a Dutch children’s show called Kinderen voor Kinderen (children for children) and it was basically about a young girl discovering that she was growing a body part she’d never seen before. It went something like “Ik krijgt tieten!” which means “I’m getting boobs!”. Lout sang this acapella as the band didn’t really know the tune until they somehow picked it up, and in front of a crowd of at least a thousand people, she sang this for all. And let me tell you, as she would admit herself, she does NOT have a singing voice! HA! But when she sang with that gravelly voice of hers, she gave it all she had, and it was hilarious to imagine this scene…..especially when later that same evening of her telling me the story, she sang some Justin Timberlake song to a young French guy who was new to Amsterdam and had a likeness to the singer. I think he left the party shortly after, scared of the voice I’m sure :)

We had a beautiful time at Koninginnedag (the last one before it became King’s Day), my first encounter with this wild Dutch holiday. The whole country celebrates the birthday of the Queen (now King) and everyone goes out into the streets for one big party. Lout and I stuck together the whole day, along with several of the fellas, and by the end of the day we discovered that due to our height, her head fit perfectly in the crook of my neck, in what she deemed my “collarpit”. We had a long and crazy day together, full of a lot of laughs and wild spectacles of people getting insane, but it was a bonding experience for us as well, one we never ever would forget. I also remember that after these evenings, when we were again back at the Marnixstraat, her boyfriend Eric would always end up with some Shoarma in his hands. One evening I watched as he was really focused on eating his sandwich, eyes closed, enjoying every bite as his head bobbed to the music. And here came Lout dancing up to him from the side, mouth open like a little baby bird ready for its meal. At some point he paused, opened his eyes, looked to the side at her……..then kept dance-eating! (Food is a VERY valuable asset in Eric’s world) She probably gave him hell for that by yelling “ER-RIC!”, but she always balanced it out with a little sweetness later on.

By the end of my time living there those three months, I had spent a good many nights with Lout and once I was forced to return to America yet again, we always would send messages to each other, especially when my collarpit was missing its head! Each time afterwards when I would return to Amsterdam, we always stayed for a good amount of the time with Lout and Eric at their place, as they were always one of the first to offer to host us and were always wanting to make up for the lost time we spent apart. On several occasions, a very close and dear friend of Lout’s from growing up, Carlijn, came to the parties and houses that we went to, and one evening Lout decided that the three of us would be aptly named “Vershrijkkelijkke Drie” as we always seemed to find ourselves in some sort of crazy situation. (Especially the infamous night we all know as “Fight Night” when some guy tried to start a fight with Eric, and in came Lout saying “If you threaten my boyfriend one more time, I’m gonna kick YOUR ASS!” and then later we see the guy come behind her and yank her hair so hard she almost fell backwards. And what did Lout do? She cocked her fist back and punched that dude right in the face! That’s the kind of badass she was!) The night we named ourselves I was telling them how I really REALLY wanted to learn Dutch, but it was just so hard and I didn’t know how to respond (other than like a deer in headlights) when someone said something to me in Nederlands. So Lout said “The next time someone says something, you just have to act all cool and simply say ‘Zo is het…….. zo is het’ and nobody will know you don’t know Dutch. They’ll just think you’re smooth…” Words to live by, Loutje! I’ve kept that one in my repertoire ever since.

By now you can probably see a picture painted of a beautiful, wild and drunken party girl with a reputation to be a bit over the top with a loud voice and no filter, but that is just one small small part of Lout Coolen. I came to know Lout over the past 5 years as being incredibly generous, going out of her way to do something to help you, even if you didn’t ask for or expect it. She was extremely thoughtful and kind, always there to listen to any problems and to give you honest and realistic advice. She was hilarious and always had a great comeback for anyone who dared challenge her. She was so many things, a force to be reckoned with, stomping loudly with her feet as she walked but treading easily into the hearts of all who knew her. In March 2015 she had a seizure at work and was diagnosed with a stage 4 glioblastoma brain tumor, worst prognosis you could have. I wrote about it before, and it was one of those things that seems to only happen to a person in a movie or just a friend of a friend. And throughout the year with her radiation and chemo treatments and surgery to remove the tumor, she maintained her strong spirit and positive energy. If I think about how I might react to this situation myself, I may feel a bit sorry for myself or just devastated to know the end just might be in sight far sooner than imagined. But not Lout…..she started going to a guy who helped coach her mentally and physically, building up her immune strength with cold showers and relaxing her mind with meditation and breathing techniques. She had a spiritual awakening, slowing herself down and taking the time to take in every new day with clarity and appreciating the beauty of the world, of her friendships, her family, every single thing that gave life meaning. She even was proud to do about 20 pushups during her physical training, and we had to laugh when I first saw her attempt to do just the one (with her doggie Bonnie jumping on her back to help of course). In September 2015 we went to visit and spent many weeks with Lout and Eric, and again made some memories that I shall treasure forever. We took Bonnie on a long walk in the park outside of the city, talking about her new look on her life, the way her family was handling the situation, and most of all, how she couldn’t allow room in her mind for any negative thoughts anymore, for any sadness. For she had come to realize the sweetness of life, feel the enormous love that surrounded her, and that is what she had decided to focus on. In that time period I had several moments with Lout alone to talk about her past, about her change since the diagnosis. I got to know more about her relationships with those she loved, and I saw the strength behind that body that was betraying her. On one of the last few nights we had together in that month, we went to a kick-off party for the Museumnacht together (boyfriend Eric works for the company). She hadn’t really been drinking or smoking much, as she had changed her diet and approach to putting health first, but that night she just let herself be free. She relaxed and had many glasses of wine, smoked some cigarettes, and we stood on a balcony at one point as she heckled the audience. At one point I saw her looking down at her boyfriend as he chatted with several colleagues of his, including a couple gals, and she muttered outloud “She better back off from MY boyfriend…” This wasn’t just a regular old Lout thing to say though, because those words now had a loaded meaning……as I glanced over at her, I could see the pain in her eyes that she kept inside knowing that perhaps one day she wouldn’t be there to defend the man she loved, to keep themselves together. In a moment like that, I wanted to tell her to rest easy, that his love would always be strong for her no matter what, but these are words you cannot say because if you do, then you are also acknowledging them yourself. That the possibility of her not existing anymore is there.

It has been so hard to deal with the distance of being so far throughout her whole fight, and when we got a call from a friend in March telling us that things were not going so well, we knew it was time to go to her. She had been texting still with funny moments during her trips to Germany for special treatments to see if there was any hope of prolonging her life, but I hadn’t heard from her in several weeks so we already felt something was up. When we arrived in Holland in April 2016, it was a different body that we came to see. It was shocking and we felt unprepared, and it made me so angry to see how hard she was fighting and how much her body was not cooperating. I don’t need to go into too much detail, as the trip itself was painful and emotional enough, but let’s say that although she had changed and the tumor had finally managed to slow her down, I still saw bits of my Loutie Lou in there. In the past whenever she would make a joke or remark she felt was particularly clever, she would make a little clicking sound in her mouth, kind of like something you’d hear if someone was winking and pointing their fingers like guns at you in a “yeah, gotcha” kind of way. I was asking her about a wedding she had attended last year and if it was the one she wore the beautiful hat to, and there it was, that noise I knew only Lout made. It made me smile, knowing she was still there inside. It was hard to communicate with her, as anything at all took so much energy from her, but we had moments where we were able to just be together once more. I fell asleep one night lying next to her in bed, and just feeling the warmth of her body comforted me. Every minute I spent with her in that visit was even more precious, and saying goodbye was probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I had no idea how I would do it, but it was at breakfast, and after she ate and I was just sitting there beside her, taking in her face one last time, I said to her “Lout, I have to leave now, I have to get my flight back to Suriname”. And her face made a pained look of disappointment, and I leaned over and took her face in my hands and looked her in the eyes and said “Loutie Lou, I love you lots and I always will. I will miss you but I will be seeing you again soon”. And I kissed her many times and held her, and as I got up to leave and said my final goodbye, she uttered the words slowly “good….bye…..Ashley”.

This past Thursday, June 2, early in the morning in Holland, our dear sweet lovely Lout passed away. It still feels unreal to write that sentence, I can’t seem to make sense of it. I can’t make sense that she won’t be there waiting for me, ready to put me on the back of her bike and ride around the streets of Amsterdam. I have so many special memories with her, (and they keep flooding back, like the time she was break dancing on an empty dance floor in a skirt to create an atmosphere for a work party) and I can say confidently that ANY single person who has ever met her will never ever forget her, even if you only had a handshake. That’s who Lout was, and she gave us all a gift by knowing her. I will always know her voice, her laugh, the way her beautiful eyes crinkled when she smiled. And while this story is mostly focused on this amazing woman, I don’t want to leave out a very important, and maybe the MOST important, part of her story. That would be the equally strong and well-matched man beside her through it all, Mr. Eric Seleky. Dr. Z always always said it, the first moment Lout came into Eric’s life everyone felt there never was a more perfect complement to him than she. For all of Lout’s loudness and explosive energy, Eric was every bit cool, calm and collected. He has always been so relaxed, with a soft, sweet demeanor and a strong sense of self. He is the kind of guy you see the moment you walk in the door and immediately notice because he is always doing some kind of funky dance, especially when he tells a great story. For every action of Lout, I was always interested in the reaction of Eric, and it really was true, it matched well each and every time. I can only speak from an outsider’s perspective, as to what the true relationship between Lout and Eric is, none of us can say but them. But I can tell you this with sincerity…..during the last few months I saw the duo together I have never seen such a pure love connection between two people. All it took was a look from Lout into Eric’s eyes and he knew exactly what she was thinking, and such sweetness was behind every touch of his. If their bond wasn’t already strong before her diagnosis, I think it became something unbreakable, something rare. I admire that man with all my heart and I am so glad that all the friends that have loved both him and Lout are not just friends, but a deeply bonded family that will continue to love each other and the love of Lout until our day has come as well.

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