twenty year-old anxious autistic girl

i swear idk what's up with me but i have these dreams pretty often and last night i dreamed about a boy i know through a friend i hardly know him but seriously but in the dream he wrote me a note saying he loves me and wants to be with me and when i saw him in the dream i just pushed him in a chair and started sucking his dick bc i guess i just love sucking cock and he lasted maybe a couple seconds and started cumming like ridiculously hard and much and it got everywhere haha and i just kept going while he kept moaning and giving me more it's so messed up like why do i have these filthy thoughts and porn dreams all the time idk but i woke up and had to touch myself right away and between some studying and reports for my internship i admit i've touched myself pretty much all day long so far

just putting it out there bc i hope i'm not the only one who literally can't fall asleep without humping my pillow idk it's been maybe an hour so far but i do this pretty much every night and every morning sometimes i even wake up early to do it if i have to go someplace idk but i just have to hump my pillow twice a day and for the past hour i've been grinding on it and reliving what i did to my friend this afternoon it turns me on so much it's crazy just reliving it all and hearing his moans in my head and i know i can just grind on my pillow a little faster and cum and pass out to fall asleep bc my pussy is throbbing so hard but for some stupid reason i actually enjoying edging myself stupid and it doesn't help that my bed makes these tiny squeaky sounds that turn me on even more omg haha my face feels so hot rn and i had to take a break to stay hydrated and just get my head on straight i feel like such a freak but i can't be the only one at least i hope so

my friend came over this afternoon and while he's not really my bf officially i can't seem to stop making him cum it's ridiculous but we were just hanging out and i wanted to hug him on my bed so we did and we kissed a little but as soon as i noticed he was getting hard i almost tore his pants off and went down on him and really tried my best to make him feel amazing which worked bc holy shit he pumped idk a bucket load down my throat and he was so dizzy and trippy right after and i'm not complaining or bitching about it but i really think i have this trigger that when guys are interested in me there's a physical response and i get turned on and with this boy it's like as soon as he shows me good boy energy or smth haha idk i just want to make him nut yk really milk him like i'm some succubus girl it's making me overthink even more but maybe i should just calm down and think to myself look i enjoy making this boy cum so hard he gets nosebleeds and he's definitely loving it so maybe just be fine with this whole thing for the time being

i feel like such an overthinking stupid slut rn bc the boy from my previous post he texted me just now that he's coming over and now i'm stressed out so much i could cry bc he's going to be here in forty-five minutes and all i can think about it should i already eat or not bc he might think i'm a porker or does he like my size and my curves enough to want to watch me eat and i also want to shower but at the same time i want to look a little disheveled since i know that turns him on and should i wear panties or not or maybe put on my lace ones in case my track pants come off and i'm also stressing like should i give him a handjob again or a blowjob maybe should i just risk it all and ask if he wants to have sex after lunch and well speaking of lunch should i make him some or after we have sex maybe like i want to be perfect for everybody but it just puts me through so many stupid thoughts all at once and i'm a wreck bc i realize most of those thoughts go toward people pleasing and boys and men especially the relatively hot older guys in my life actually it's always been this way and i just don't know how to break the cycle tbh

i have a kind of bf we've not been together long and all we do is hang out once or twice a week but i confess that i like the way he gets so excited and blushes when i sit close to him and he stares at my milkers like all the time so when he gets a boner i usually offer to help him out and either give him a handjob or a blowjob and last weekend i even got on my knees and wrapped my tits around it to make him cum and omg he had to cover his mouth to muffle his moans a bit haha so cute and he got cum everywhere but last night i had one of those bad dreams about his dad bc whenever i'm over at his place his dad's so quick to offer to give me a ride home and his dad also kind of stares at me and he's really amazing to me always encourages me to eat well and says i look pretty but when i'm in the car with him he seems incredibly flustered and touches my thighs or my neck when i leave and idk in the dream we were in the car too and he started kissing me and asking to taste my pussy idk what's up with my subconscious but i'm afraid that smth like that's going to happen bc i'm also in and out of foster care since i was a little girl and i know that older men are better at expressing what they want from me let's say so it feels kind of likely that his dad's going to try smth soon and i just don't know what to feel about it bc it scares me but it also excites me like it always does when hot older guys hit on me

so i'm a twenty years old anxious girl and actually autistic but i'm also tall and kind of heavy and thick and finding cute boys to date has been a little nightmare bc either it's hot older guys who i start to like but who just want to use my body or it's like good boys who want me to take charge and just idk milk them stupid or smth idk i feel like such an easy target sometimes bc when men show interest i almost jump like omg finally someone's into me even tho i'm tall and pretty big yk and especially when i tell them about my mental issues and they don't mind all that i just want to do everything for them but nine times out of ten i end up with a mouthful of cum or worse just because i don't want them to ditch me again i should know better but i'm stuck bc i crave validation ig but i also want a healthy sexual relationship idk why i'm even posting this if it's a cry for help it's pathetic and if it's just bc i want attention it's even more hopeless so idk i'm ana btw if you're reading this nice to meet you omg ok i'll go now