An Undecided Emotion

26 July 2016 - An Open Letter For Myself - More or less, just notes

Look, I’m sorry.

I am so sorry that everything is crumbling down on you. 

I am so sorry for the fact that you still hurt to this day. 

I am so sorry that moving on, has just been impossible. I am sorry that every time you feel like your brain is taking a step forward. You are becoming more content on your own,  your heart just wants you to come right back to when you felt happy with him.

I am sorry that you hurt so much that the only thing you feel like you have control over, is do you cry in the middle of the street, or in the shower? or both. Both it seems like. 

I am sorry people change their minds. People get your hopes up, and make you believe in ever afters, weekend trips and one-on-one time. 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I am so sorry. 

I am sorry that you are not okay and at peace, that you are haunted by some memories, but at the same time, you cherish the others. I think you cherish the ones more than you are haunted by the bad ones. 

I am sorry you feel alone. I am sorry.

I am sorry that people ask you “If he was to come back, would you take him back?”. That should be  a lingering thought in my brain. That thought shouldn’t to this day make my heart want to kick into overdrive. That question should be answered with the word, “NO”. But instead there is no hesitation. There is no lingering, I know my answer, and it isn’t a good one. 

I am sorry that you are willing to put up with the tears rolling down your face as he tells you more lies, I am sorry that you are willing to put your health first to be with him, I am sorry that somewhere he made you believe that you owed him everything. I am sorry you felt that you owed it to him,someone who didn’t want you. 

I am sorry he just stopped, without a simple goodbye or an explanation.

I am sorry you were used. I am sorry that the other side of this story is okay. I am sorry, but girl