shadynasty's blog

i’ve had a really tough few nights and it’s not because of anything significant and i can’t even put my finger on what exactly is wrong, and that’s probably the worst part

all i can do is sit in my sadness. i’m finding myself incapable of doing the smallest tasks without it becoming some huge ordeal. i can’t focus on my work. i can’t find inspiration to finish my comps. i can’t find reason to go to work. 

every time i step onto campus i cry almost immediately. i keep leaving the library to go sit alone in the quad because i can’t focus on my work. i wish i could do my work at home, but it’s even harder to focus there. 

i know that ultimately at the root of it all is my fear of graduating. i really can’t imagine my life not here. there are so many people i may never see again. and soon the people i spend every day with will become the people i need to make plans with every few weeks just for the sake of catching up over dinner. i don’t know if i can handle that. is that what being an adult is? 

i don’t want to think about leaving, but it’s all i can do when people bring it up every day. whether it’s a dumb joke like “oh next year---haha just kidding” or a serious text that says “please don’t leave,” i really can’t hear it anymore without shutting down. this is the place where i found myself and i’m afraid of losing myself as soon as i’m not here.