young god

maybe it’s moreso me fearing accepting a belonging that already exists.

but the more i think about it, the place i lost was never real in the first place.

if you really knew me, could you have truly believed and meant all of that to me? (no)

much time has passed and i wish i was strong enough to not get emotional when i have to talk about it

i didn’t get any birthday messages from our mutual friends this year. (tbh i didn’t expect anything since i haven’t really talked to any of them in any depth in a long time)

so maybe this is how i fizzle out, like sea foam.

you were always closer to them so i was never going to win their friendships in the end. and i’m too cowardly to try maintaining them when that would force me to have to swallow being around you again.

my friends, i’m sorry for choosing to bury our friendships for the sake of avoiding the deregulation.

i travel alone, i walk this path alone. and some days, some days i truly feel like my light is more radiant than it has ever been before. but other days, there’s a dimness i can never escape. like a part of that light of innocence in myself is gone forever.

i see that light in the kaleidoscope of my memories. and i grow fond on days i scroll through the slideshow within my mind. and i learn to swallow and give presence to the heavy ebbs and flow of time.

for now, i am trying to hold onto what i have left and be grateful for surviving.

i pray for peaceful dreams.