~New Day, New Hopes~

Holy crap man, after messing up and trying to decide to isolate myself from everyone to avoid trouble, im getting overwhelmed with misfortunes. I figured after all this happening that this isnt the right decision, but i dont know how to go back and fix it. I dont know exactly what all this is trying to tell me, but if reverting on it will help all these negativities go away, ill admit my faults again. I was expecting just a rough time, not straight suffering. Shit is draining my energy, time and funds. Hope i can figure out how i can bring things back to the good times from before all this and apply what ive learned from my mistakes.

I definitely have trouble sleeping sometimes. However im just concerned how it feels when im dropdead tired at somewhere i cant really fall asleep. I get a weird heart stop feeling when im about to fall asleep from sleep deprevation and it usually prevents me from doing so. Got me shooook

Ive never wanted to cry and yell at the same time as much as today. I felt so overwelmed with unfortunate events and everything going on in life. Woke up with financial aid getting cut down, went through the day struggling to do school work, tried venting and ended up worsening the situation just from speaking my dumbass mind, lost my fucking map for my final project and idk how im going to get another like it, it starts snowing and raining while im walking home and ended up getting soaked, and tons of little things. I wanna cry but i cant get myself to do so. I feel the pain in my heart but idk how to rid of it. I was just starting feel a bit happier with life after changing some priorities and hanging out with some people 1 on 1 or in large groups. I was sadly mistaken. Im hurting hard again.

I hate my mindset so much sometimes. I drop so deep into depression so much nowadays that i cant say ive been getting better after all these years. It must have stemed from my heavily bullied childhood. I grew up learning so much on my own mentally. I never had anyone to guide me. From things like heartbreak, rejection and bullying to morals, beliefs and coping mechanisms. I never wanted to blame anyone for my misfortunes in fear of rebutal or losing something dear to me. I took some of the affection in high school i recieved for granted. I thought making such a huge group of friends would mean i would never have to worry about feeling alone ever again. I got greedy. So greedy, everything ended up playing out the way i didnt want it to. With the great memories comes some dark empty feelings that i also felt. I set myself up for failure in the field of mental strength from such a young age. Unfortunately, it shows in some bad habits i have obtained. Loner. Alcoholic. Depressed. Stressed. Overworking. Overthinking. The list can probably keep going on. Some i have kinda accepted. Others i try to break the habits. It never works out. I seek professional help and it helps momentarily, but i end up back on my bs, regardless of the habit. I may have these huge dreams to encapture happiness in myself one day, but honestly, im unbelievably scared that i will never get the chance to find it. I may still be “young” by age, but i honestly dont think ill last that much longer in this world. This thought/possibility scares and saddens me deeply. I dont want to die without achieving what i assigned to myself as life goals. I want to meet the Love of My Life. I want to have a family and pass down my lineage. I want to make my friends and family proud. I want my name to be known for great achievements. I want happiness.

The moment you came into the group you meshed well, and i enjoyed seeing everyone willing always wanting to talk to you. I watched from the back so i didnt kill any chances of you thriving in the group and helping you cope with your mental and emotional issues. I still enjoy seeing you thrive in so many different friend groups and seeing everyone just love talking to you. Makes me proud; and jealous. I enjoy moments like those too. Thats why i knew the moment you succeeded in the friend group you would love the feeling. I gave up for myself. I loved physical showing of affection. I loved talking to everyone and hearing what they have to say. I still wish i could go back to those roots. I miss those feelings. Now those feelings live on through jealousy in watching you. It hurts, being well known for giving some of the best hugs around. Now im reduced to nothing more than a tool to be teased, flamed and ignored. As long as youre doing better than me.

If youre going to treat me differently, just admit it instead of treating me nicely every millenium and then treating me like shit until the next time im on the verge of self destruction. This cycle can only go on so long until self destruction occurs, and regret ensues in the hearts and minds of all that were claimed to be “close” to the individual.

Flirting is very imenent in today’s society. Almost everyone does it whether its intentional or not. It comes it all sorts of forms. From they way people hug and hold each other to rubbing thighs and knees. Some people flirt just to get a good reaction and make them feel good about themselves. Others flirt with the intent to touch someone intimately and insinuate subtle sexual tension. A few even flirt just because they know they can because of their social status. Now this is all okay if all parties involved are single, however when once one of the parties is in a relationship and all involved parties are aware of it, it should raise a red flag. If its a “close friend showing their friendship,” is there proof that they do this to everyone else they claim that they show friendship to? Most of the time they dont do the same stuff to the people they acclaim to be at the same level of friendship with or even higher. The arguement seems invalid at that point. Flirting seems to make the most sense. The only reason these people in relationships think its okay is because they are “tied down to someone since they are in a relationship,” but its just as likely for both parties to leave their relationships if they enjoy the flirting. Now comes the arguement of that they are just a happy and friendly personality. They say the flirty individual is just always touchy and they are just use to it. This is bullcrap and just completely dependent on the looks of the individual. Ive always grown up super affectionate because i enjoy comfort and believe in showing affection in many ways. I loved hugs throughout my grade schools years. I was known to give the literal best hugs ever by a lot of my friends that enjoyed sharing hugs with me at the time. My family is also very big into showing a lot of affection through hugging as well. This showing of affection always helped me get through dark and depressive times. It may have been my depressing high school years playing a huge role in needing affection and comfort but it was a great help. It was never with ill intent either, i just loved the warm feeling so much and i still do love a good hug. Its just become a lesser common thing around my friends i guess which kind of made me hug less now. That and the ones who enjoayed mutual showing of affection to me in high school never were around much after graduation. With that downtime from the comfort and denied affection lead me to stray away from it because people just think of it as flirting now. All it took was a couple bad experiences and years without such affection to push a very affectionate person to become too afraid to show affection in fear of being embarassed from being denied even though you never had ill intent. Then you observe everyone else around you, some in relationships and have attractive physical features, thrive with affection in the same group of friends you live in. No one cares though because youre unattractive and seem like a creep for attempting to show affection when youre a bachelor. Its so depressing when i realize how affectionate i was with my friend group in my younger years and see how much has changed into adulthood when everyone becomes more picky and too good to show affection.

Most people like to feel included in today’s society in some sort of way. I know not everyone likes to feel this or maybe not often but occasionally. I know its impossible to always feel included without putting yourself out there or having others put you out there into the conversation. When you are part of a huge group of friends that are generally very open to bringing cool new people into the group, this becomes a much harder task to perform. So many different people talking to one another that you cant be included in all of them, but shouldnt you be bound to be included in one of the conversations if so many groups are presented? Nope, not at all. You are still subjected to being excluded. I completely understand sometimes you have to put yourself out there to feel included, however i do not want to be that person who does that obnoxiously. Some groups dont like obnoxious or repetitive attempts of people trying to include themselves into your group. This becomes a depressing setting within one’s mind to think that no one wants to talk to you at all out of all these people here. Imagine having to go to the point of letting people flame you and tease you to feel included cos you just want to talk or hangout with your friends. I dont mind being teased and flamed, i grew up being bullied 24/7 by everyone possible. It may have made me depressed but it has made me able to accept it most of the time with occasional break downs. Its not a healthy mindset at all but that is what it has resorted to at this point because i want to feel included sometimes too. The times i do feel included in a neutral or positive way, it feels nice, however it has become more of a luxury than a standard for me. I just hope i can change this up sometime soon so it doesnt remain a feature that i struggle with inside. Its just a matter of fact that i experience feeling excluded more than included. Im perfectly fine with not always being included, in fact i enjoy thinking alone sometimes, its just when you think alone too much, it can bring about negative thoughts that lead to negative attitude and ensues a depressive feeling that no one should feel. Make people feel included, bring your friend into your conversation or set them up in another conversation if they are sitting so lonesome and dont like it.

I remember being in grade school and not understanding the concept of stress and depression and constantly denying it. I remember questioning why i was working so hard in school. Then the introduction of rewarding accomplishments with physical or verbal entities came to my understanding. Teachers giving fancy stars or toy erasers for doing good on quizzes to insinuate hard work into our minds. That is as far as it got for me essentially. This practice became a huge success in helping students and people stay motivated their hard work. Even outside of school, in work places you get raises or bonuses for doing well at work. When you get your high school diploma, your parents will give you a car or something to celebrate your hard work throughout the years. You can even consider making it to your next birthday alive as an accomplishment and your friends rewarding that with birthday presents and hbd messages. It is such a successful practice on all mediums and in so many different fields. However, some people dont ever feel this sense of reward from accomplishment, not even in a sense of verbal appraisal like, “I’m so proud of you” or “You are working so hard and we appreciate it.” Something so simple and easy as verbal acclamation, and people in today’s society still dont feel that type of positivity. They then wonder why their motivation tends to drop time to time. It sucks being the one that never gets to feel that type of positivity. What sucks even more is when you revolve your life around motivating people and rewarding their hard work because you know it cant hurt to make someone feel good about themselves, even though you dont receive it often. Just last year i finally got my first degree in my immediate family at GRCC. An Associates in Pre-Business. I struggled through many hours of trying to stay motivated to pass and make someone proud. Being surrounded by a community where most people dont continue education after high school, and where most people who do continue the education never finish. When you see all your peers graduate from their Universities and everyone congratulating them with all sorts of messages and gifts, it makes you want to work just as hard to feel a sort of accomplishment like that. What ive learned from this little observation is to NEVER expect people will even give a shit. Everyone who has gone to college will agree that a Degree is a Degree, they all take a large amount of work to accomplish, just some take longer than others. I am wholeheartedly thankful for the few people who congratulated me and told me they were proud, one of the best feelings, but NEVER expect even some of your closest friends and family to even bat an eye at your accomplishment. I told myself after figuring this out that, “As long as I know how much hard work I put into this accomplishment, that is all that should matter.” I told myself that to try and keep myself content to continue onto where i am now, working on my second degree at a University, GVSU. Pursuing a Bachelors in Marketing. After this first semester at a Uni living by myself near the campus taking 12+ credit hours while having a part-time job that is a 30 minute drive into the city, and I passed every single one of my classes with grades that I am fairly surprised i achieved. I havent had to the chance to treat myself properly yet due to my finances and time being caught up with the winter Holidays. What stinks is i dont know if ill get a chance to properly treat myself in congrats to getting through this first semester at a Uni. 

A new year with so much still bothering me and less places to vent deeply to without being judged by your friends. Ive always wanted to know how it feels to have a best friend that is always down for you, always cool with talking to you, wants to tell you stories and so much more. I want it to be a mutual friendship where you both can consider each other such great friends that you can tell anyone that they are your great friend. The biggest issue is finding the mutuality behind it. In my case its always one-sided. In today’s society all girls seem to think is guys are in it for sexual intimacy unless they are gay. It enforces the divide in the gender equality battle. I enjoy almost everything all other guys are into and do things like them. However, growing up around my family which is highly female dominated, i also enjoyed seeing the things girls like to do and wanted to feel included sometimes too. The comfortable atmosphere where they can only feel with the people closest to them, it was an envious sight for me. Pampering themselves with face masks and cooking and talking about everything, it looked so fun and still an envious thought. Im 24 years old and i still am jealous of things like this. It makes me feel so stupid because today’s society shames guys who feel like this, especially in any of my friend groups today. Its guilty pleasures that lead to endless bullying that make me think like i should be afraid of what everyone has to say. What i see as something so simple, just showing genuine friendship through wholesome activities, my friend group likes to shame or think that there is negative intention behind it thus leading to their responses of denying or flaming me about it. Making things for each other out of the good of our hearts without expecting anything back, and then they do something just as sentimental to show their appreciation back to you, that is the feeling i just wish to hope to feel but have NEVER experienced. Genuine experiences, i guess its not for me; depressing.