Ant-ics

But you don’t love me the way that I love you, oh

’Cause if you did, boy, you would not do those things you do

You kill my heart just to see if I will rise

I always post the worst stuff here, but today:

- I got up and had a cup of tea

- I went to counselling

- I played my vinyls

- I had a tasty dinner

- I had positive interactions

- I did charcoal sketching

- I looked after myself

- I didn’t feel as low

Each one alone, together we cry

All I can see is fracturing, breaking

It’s broken. It’s gone. The way he used to see you. The way he used to look at you. The way he used to trust you. He can’t even deny it anymore, he just says I’m “being crazy”. But he always used to tell me “you’re never crazy, you’re wonderful”. He thinks I’m overly dependent on him. And it’s true, I suppose. I love him so dearly, and I have invested my heart in him. But it’s too much. It’s too suffocating. He says “I don’t want us to become too dependent on each other”, obviously because he thinks I already have, and he needs to protect himself, and his life, from being swallowed up by me. I have been struggling through these past months with the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel being spending the next year with him. But he told me last night out of the blue that we won’t. “You can visit me though”. 

I’ve just realised that he doesn’t need me. Certainly not like I need him, but maybe not at all. I don’t think he loves me like he did. He doesn’t look at me like me did. He doesn’t speak to me like he did. He doesn’t take care of me, or spoil me like he did. He is wary and afraid of me. I’ll tell him not to come next week. I’ve let my demons consume me, and consume us, and it’s too late. I don’t know if this will heal, but even if it did, it would take time, and space. 

I’m hurt, I’m disappointed. I don’t know what to work towards anymore. There is nothing to look forward to. It’s bleak, and dark, even though the sun is shining. I’ve clung to hard onto him for too long, and I’ve ruined what we had. I don’t know what to do now, but I just feel this pain in my chest that won’t leave. 

“He’s just your boyfriend, don’t put so much pressure on him”. It’s too late, I already have. I’ve seen us as something for our future, for our lives, and I’ve realising maybe he doesn’t anymore. I know I need to work on me, and see whether our paths intertwine again, but for now, I’m so lost without having a rock to cling to. I want to close my eyes and drift away. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die. I want to be well. I want to heal. I just don’t know how.