Every you every me

And tonight I couldn’t wait any longer. You went beyond yourself smoking and looking me straight in the eye like if you knew it’s going to happen tonight. Goddammit Brian, you knew it too well.

After the show I went straight to your room and I didn’t even care to knock. You tried to be surprised but you failed, I knew you were waiting. You were waiting every night.

“What are you doing here, Stefan?” you asked, turning into my direction while you had the cigarette in your hand, smoking it peacefully. You were that peaceful only when you were smoking. It was fascinating me, I could watch you smoke for hours and still it wouldn’t bore me. “I was just about to get the shower.”

“I guess you have to change your plans then,” I answered, getting closer and taking the cigarette out of your hand. I took a drag, eyeing you up and down and then blew the smoke into your opened lips. I caught them with my own and kissed you hard almost forcing you to open your mouth wider so I could slip my tongue into them. You were surprised, of course you were, you didn’t think it would happen that fast. You thought I’m too shy for that but I just let you see what I wanted you to see, not what actually was a part of me.

“Stefan, what are you doing?” you asked, breaking the kiss like if you didn’t know. I just pulled you toward the wall and let our lips crushed once again, making you wait with the answer. You moaned so quiet I almost didn’t hear it but your tensed body betrayed you. I smiled and then brought myself up to your ear.

“You know what I’m doing. You were waiting for this and you want it even more than I do. Don’t pretend Brian,” I whispered biting your earlobe what made you whimper. Seem like I found one of your sensitive places. I stepped back and you looked me in the eye like earlier this evening what almost drove me crazy. Did you really think you were in control tonight? Well, I was going to prove you were wrong. I almost throw you on the bed and caught your hands in a strong grip. With some problems I pulled out my belt from trousers and tied you immediately. You tried to fight but I was way too strong for you.

“Seriously, Stefan? Isn’t it too kinky for you?” It wasn’t too smart even if you thought I was a coward. You knew you made a mistake after the look on my face but it was too late because I already slapped you, hard. You shouted both from pain and surprise, looking on me with suddenly teary eyes.

“That’s the rules,” I said, taking your face in a strong grip. “One, you listen to me and two, you don’t say anything without my permission, you get this?” I asked having my face very close to yours. It was important for you to understand it clearly. You just smiled, obviously thinking you still could play with me and then you said:

“I didn’t know you’re such a pervert, Stefan. What else are you hiding?”

I just pursed my eyebrows and not really wanting it, I slapped you once again. Even harder. I knew you were going to have a bruise later.

“I asked if you get this.”

It seemed like you finally understood it was serious and you slowly nodded your head. I knew this agreement couldn’t last too long, you weren’t that kind of person who lets others take control. But I had to try.

“Good, because I’m not going to hurt you as long as you follow those rules. Or as long as you don’t want this,” I leaned and slowly licked your red cheek so my saliva could actually lower the pain. I came closer to your lips and kissed you once again, pushing you on your back so I was above you now. The kiss was a bit softer, I wanted to show you I really meant those words to make you calmer. I didn’t want to frighten you too much. You were still too fragile for me to do this. I went down with my kisses, smothering all your neck with them and also I let myself to bite you a few times. I wanted to feel your taste, I wanted to feel you with all my senses. With sudden move, I ripped your shirt off from your chest not caring I destroyed it.

“It was one of my favorites!” you screamed and I pulled away stopping with my actions.

“What did I say about talking?” I asked and even if you tried to hide this sudden feel of fear in your eyes, I saw it. You kept quiet just looking at me and you looked so beautiful then. With you red cheek, messy hair and lost look. I didn’t want anything just to kiss you right now but I knew that if I did you would think I was weak. And I wasn’t what I had to prove.

“What did I say about talking?” I asked once again, still calm and you finally gave me the answer while your voice was shaking a bit.

“You forbade me to talk.”

I smiled, satisfied that you actually were afraid of me even though I knew you wanted to take the control away from me any time you could.

I run my hands all over your chest and then I squeezed hard one of your nipples, completely out of surprise. You screamed loudly but it only turned me on more. It was your punishment and you knew it but you weren’t going to let me do what I wanted. You tried to kick me but you were too weak under my grip so I just smiled after your failed try.

“Calm down, baby. I told you I don’t want to hurt you. Just behave yourself and I’ll give you the pleasure which you weren’t even imaging in your dreams,” I whispered to your ear, stroking your tight gently. I knew you were hard even if you tried to hide it and I just wanted you to sink in this moment. Just stop thinking for some time.

Slowly I reached to your trousers and let my hand undone the button. I knew you were shivering when I slide my hand into your trousers. I knew you liked it and you couldn’t hide it anymore when the moan left your mouth.

“Do you like it?” I asked, looking at your face. You had your eyes closed and when I rubbed my thumb all over your cock, you bit your lips not to let me hear another moan. You nodded your head but I wanted the full answer. I did it once again and this time you couldn’t stop it any more. You whined, rising your hips in desperate try to feel my hand once again.

“I asked if you like it, Brian. We won’t cooperate if you don’t start answering my questions.”

You opened your eyes so I could fully admire their color and this shine which was in them. Your look was so intense I almost shivered but I couldn’t let you see what an effect you had on me. And in this moment I knew I was wrong. I thought you were going to fight me back, I thought you were going to take the charge of this situation. But you gave up and I could see it in this look. You gave me yourself, you just let me do what I wanted and that’s what I was waiting for. I broke you but it surprised me how fast it happened. Did it mean you were waiting for me so long that you actually didn’t care already? Was that even possible?  

“I like it,” you whispered and it only made me even surer I had all of you tonight. You were all mine and that was exactly what I wanted. I wasn’t strong enough to resist anymore.

I kissed you hard with all my hunger and desperation almost forgetting you still had your hands tied up. I knew you were dying to touch me but I just couldn’t let you do this. Not yet. I had to tease you a bit longer so I was sure you really gave up. It was my night tonight. I couldn’t let you took it away from me.

I took off your trousers and velvet pants to finally make your cock free and all waiting for my touch. Slowly I licked the head only to hear another moan what was like music to my ears. I went down with my tongue all over your length and you raised your hips again almost forcing me to actually take you into my mouth. Immediately I pulled away and you groaned in disappointment, exhaling rapidly.

“Should I continue?” I asked, watching your face carefully. You nodded your head again but it wasn’t what I wanted. I needed to hear it, out loud. I didn’t make any move so you opened your eyes, probably surprised it was taking so long and that were when you realized what you did wrong.

“Please, continue,” you whispered, closing them again. I enjoyed how relaxed you seemed and how much pleasure I was giving to you. Finally I took you into my mouth and I knew that if you could you would grab the sheets with your hands. This torture was way too hard for you to handle and I perfectly knew this. Nevertheless I was taking you deeper and deeper into my mouth till the end of your head reached my throat. You whimpered and shaky words left your beautiful, rosy lips.

“Stef… Stef, I’m going to… I’m going to come…”

That was when my mouth disappeared and again you were left with nothing more but disappointment. I didn’t want you to come yet, I couldn’t let you.

I stood up and you felt that the pressure was gone from your body so you opened your eyes just to see how I was taking my t-shirt off.

“You should let me do this,” you whispered almost eating me out with your look. I knew I was turning you on and I would lie if I hadn’t said it didn’t adulate me.   

“Are you going to behave yourself?” I asked, undoing the button of my trousers so slowly it was killing you.

“Yes. Yes, I am,” you answered and this time I was going to trust you. I had to untie you eventually and inside I was crawling for your touch.

“Fine, but if you do anything, I’ll tide you up again,” I said to lean down and finally make your hands free. In a brief of moment you caught me and pulled me above yourself just to kiss me hard and let your hands run all over my naked chest. Your hands went down to my trousers and after few seconds they landed right next to yours. You really wanted me badly. I grabbed your hands once again and your sad whimper almost broke my heart. I wasn’t going to tie you once again, you shouldn’t worry about that.

“Don’t be in such a rush, we have all night, baby,” I freed your hands, crushing our lips once again, much gentler than before. You understood my point and slowed down a bit to touch my cock softly what made me moan for the first time this evening. You started to move your hand and certainly you knew what you were doing. God, it felt so amazing I just wanted to let you finish it even though I knew I couldn’t.

“Stop,” I whispered forcing my voice to sound confident and not like it was going to break. You stopped your actions and I knew you did this only because you knew what I was up to. I let my hand touch your butt softly and then I slid one of my fingers into you and all of your muscles tighten up in sudden pain. I didn’t want to use any lubricant, I wanted you to feel me fully. After few seconds I added another finger and the moan left your lips which shaped into one word:

“Please.”

I wanted you to beg me to actually fuck you but suddenly I knew it turned into something deeper. I didn’t expect it to happen but it did and I didn’t care about that.

“What are you asking me for?” I asked quietly.

“Please, I want to feel you,” you said, having the sheet between your fingers to stop yourself from any sudden reactions.

“How do you want to feel me?” I asked, wanted you to be more detailed, I needed to hear how you were saying this.

“Make love to me, Stefan,” you whispered, opening your eyes and when I looked into them I saw the storm which was taking place in there and which made my heart stop for a while.

I leaned down and kissed you so softly, you almost didn’t feel it and then I gently slid into you. I knew you were in pain as I didn’t use anything to lubricate you but also I knew you didn’t mind. I wanted you to remember this and a little pain tomorrow morning would fulfill this task.

I gave you few seconds to get used to this feeling and then I started to move. Firstly, it was very slow but with every second I couldn’t stop myself anymore. I was waiting for that for such a long time and now, finally I was inside of you and I could feel you everywhere. It was beautiful because there was only pleasure in our minds, nothing else. I wanted it to be that way and I knew you were enjoying it even more that I did. Finally, I hit your prostate and you screamed in pleasure what only made me move even faster.

“Oh god, faster! Please, I can’t do this anymore…” you were whimpering and I knew you were close, so was I. But I had to see you coming first before I would. I took your cook between my fingers and started to move in the rhythm of my thrusts. I could see how you had your lips opened. I could see how your breath became even more frequent if that was possible. And finally you came hard, screaming my name so loudly I was sure people in the second room could hear you. Few more thrusts and I also came, inside of you, biting your neck hard to minimalize the sound a little but it didn’t help too much. I fell on your chest after few seconds, breathing as fast as I would just have run some kind of marathon. Your skin was hot and when I opened my eyes I could see how you are coming down on earth after this orgasm. You had to feel my look as you raised your eyelids with a lot of effort and smiled to me.

“Thank you,” you whispered but I just closed your lips with soft kiss. It was the best thing which could happen to me and it was me who should be thankful.

Stefan sighed and with strained voice said:

“Just don’t get mad, okay. There were some problems with our reservation and we have two rooms less than it was supposed to be.”

Brian pursed his eyebrows, not really understanding.

“So, what does it mean? Why should I get mad?”

“Because you’re going to be with me in the one room,” Steve answered, shrugging.

The singer looked at them with surprise and then laughed on how paranoid they were about him getting angry. Of course he wasn’t complaining, everything should be perfect for him.

“Oh, come on, that’s fine with me. I guess you’re not that bad in bed Steve?”

It was quiet for few seconds as Steve, just like everybody else, was looking at him in shock and fear, hoping they misheard something. As no one understood Brian’s joke, he only rolled his eyes, giving up and moved toward the elevator.

“I’m just joking, really none of you have sense of humor. What’s the number of the room?” The comedy of this situation was so obvious it was unbelievable. Usually it was Brian who didn’t have the sense of humor, getting mad on everything and today seemed like they were even too tired to catch it was a joke.

“It’s 27,” answered Steve, following him and getting into the elevator. “And no, I’m not really that bad in bed,” he said after the elevator closed, rolling his eyes. “That was weak, Princess.”

Brian grinned, clearly thinking his joke was too intelligent for them to understand.

“I wouldn’t want to fuck you anyway, Stevie. Don’t get me wrong, you’re really cute, simply not my type.”

“Ouch, being rejected by famous Brian Molko. You hurt my feelings, how could you,” Steve shook his head, pretending that he couldn’t get over it. “So who is your type, Mr. Demanding?”

The automatic answer was “Stefan” in his head but of course no one could know it. The only person he wanted and the only one who didn’t want him, that’s how his “luck” worked. The expression on his face changed slightly, if Steve didn’t know him that well he wouldn’t even notice it but he smiled again quickly, as if nothing happened.

“You know, someone who actually has something in his pants,” he laughed, stepping out from the elevator as it stopped on their floor.

“Hey! That was mean!” Steve shouted, following him and asking himself why it was HIM who agreed on sharing the room with Brian for that one night. Seemed like it was going to be very harmful and difficult experience.

“I’m just joking, Sunshine. I’m sure you’re good in bed after all those girls who leave your room few times a week.”

“Okay, it’s time for you to shut up, it’s getting too weird now,” Steve opened the door of their room, passing Brian in the opening and throwing himself on the bed. “Oh, fuuck, I’ve missed it.”

Brian rolled his eyes, closing the door behind him.

“You’re lucky I’m too tired to tease you longer and don’t even try to get to the bathroom while I’ll be taking the shower!” Brian opened his suitcase, grabbing only what necessary and proceed himself straight to the second room which contained the shower.

“I won’t, don’t worry. Not everyone wants to see your little butt, Princess,” Steve said yawning and stretching on the bed while Brian slammed the door, surprisingly ignoring this last comment.

  He couldn’t sleep, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he was changing his positions. After few days of break his head decided not to give him the rest for any longer and was filled in with unwanted thoughts of everything that was related to Stefan. How much he wished he could just forget about him and move forward, try to find the proper partner, maybe even a woman. Seemed like all of his relationships with men were way too complicated to understand them on even the slightest level. It was so frustrating because he really tried to carry on normally, he really tried to forget but the bassist was always there, remaining about himself and how hopeless this feeling was. The sudden image of Stefan with David appeared in his head and the singer had to bite his lips to stop himself from making the painful moan. It hurt so much, to imagine it, to dream he could be at David’s place, to look at them while they were so happy together. He had to stop finally, he couldn’t live any longer just with dreams and desires which didn’t have any chance to happen and he had to realize it finally.

“Brian?” he heard a sleepy whisper coming from the other bed.

“Yeah, Steve? Why aren’t you sleeping?” he answered, glancing on the clock and realizing he was awake for four hours now, still not closing the eye. He was going to die tomorrow, for sure.

Steve changed his position, probably also looking at the clock and Brian could hear his quiet groan.

“I could ask you the same, actually,” seemed like Steve was almost fully awake now and if Brian could see anything in the darkness he would know that the drummer was looking at him.

“Yeah, I just can’t sleep,” Brian said in low voice, closing his eyes and hoping that this sleep would come very fast because he really needed it as hell. It was quiet for few minutes so Brian thought that Steve went to sleep again, what would be pretty understandable, but then Steve spoke:

“Brian? Do you love him?”

The singer’s heart started to beat ten thousand times faster than before, no one was supposed to know, right? At the end he was hiding It so good, how anyone could find out? Or maybe he wasn’t such a good actor…

“Who do I love?” he asked after few seconds, perfectly knowing that this short silence was suspected but still deciding to pretend he didn’t know about what Steve was talking about.

“Do you love Stefan?” Steve’s voice was quiet but also it seemed like he already knew the answer, like it was simply the rhetorical question.

Brian didn’t answer at the beginning, wondering if he should tell him the truth. Was it save to finally admit it out loud? Maybe Steve was just checking him but in the reality didn’t know anything? However, after few of those stormy thoughts he finally calmed down and breathed deeply, deciding he would admit it. Maybe after that it would be easier to face it and live with it?

“Yes. I love him,” he whispered, surprisingly calmly. Indeed it was the relief to vent it to Steve. He was so tired of hiding his feelings from everyone, so tired of being bottled in his overthinking and doubts and loneliness.

“You can’t keep going like that, you know that? It’s killing you Brian. All of us see it but not him, even David. No matter how hard you try, we still see it,” Steve’s voice was so serious it almost scared Brian and left him so anxious. It wasn’t possible everyone had noticed it, they weren’t supposed to.

“I’ll be fine,” he said, suddenly becoming closed inside and just constrained himself in the covers, closing his eyes and begging for even few minutes of sleep.

“You won’t be fine,” Steve whispered, adding: “I may not know you that long as Stefan but something like this won’t convince me. You should tell him, you really should. Then it will stop hunting you.”

“I can’t tell him, Steve!” Brian’s voice was harsh now as he shook his head rapidly. “I won’t destroy his happiness with my stupid feelings. I can’t do that to him, not this time.” Why were they even talking about that? Maybe he felt the way he did but it didn’t give him the permission to ruin other’s people lives. Enough it was destroying his own.

“What if he loves you too? What if he is just fooling yourself? I was watching you both carefully since I’ve joined the band and you are like… like the planets which left their right courses and are straying around till they find their paths again. And in the same time you’re so blind, it’s even frustrating,” there was some kind of passion in Steve’s voice like he couldn’t even consider another vision. “You’re over forty but you’re worse than teenagers.”

Brian stayed quiet, too shocked of Steve’s behavior and how simply he was thinking. How was he imagining it? What could he do? Go to Stefan, tell him he loves him and that’s all, pretend that nothing like that happened or wait for the harmful words how selfish he is again?

“It isn’t that simple. Firstly, he loves David and they’re together. I hardly believe he would leave him for me. And secondly, I also have to care about the band. You don’t even realize how much effort the relationship needs to last during the tour,” the room got quiet again and finally Steve said:

“Okay, if you don’t want to tell him then you should make him jealous. Maybe in this way he will come to you himself, maybe it will open his eyes,” Steve’s voice started to sound sleepy again as the hour was getting him again and in the next few minutes, Brian heard his quiet snoring.

“Sure, Steve. Thanks for the advice,” whispered Brian, hoping the sleep would also show him some mercy. It felt so strange to talk about so serious stuff with Steve. Of course there were times they were serious with each other but not like this. And it felt like he was sent by others to make sure he were alright. Singer was moved by this sudden care, which he didn’t really expect, and it made him smile a bit because indeed, he had people who were there for him. This thought calmed him down enough for the sleep to come and within the minutes he sank in the unknown place of never becoming true dreams and desires.

  In the morning they didn’t say a word about last night talk but the strange atmosphere was present between them, however it wasn’t negative. Actually, it was more like the atmosphere of trust and attachment. Of course both of them had some problems with getting up, especially Brian but their moods were pretty good as for the eight am. Of course singer considered the option which Steve prompted and even though he was thinking about that before, maybe this time was the best to actually use it? Who knew, maybe it would meet with some reaction from Stefan’s side?

So he was cheered up and was talking with Steve almost all the time. Someone could even think something had happened between them during that night and that was certainly Brian’s goal. Maybe it was just the sick creation of his mind but from time to time he got the strange look from Stefan and that was making him even happier. Maybe Steve really was right? Maybe there was some hope for him?

The show went really good tonight which was connected with the charity so they finished around six pm and another good information was that they were staying at hotel again, but this time everyone had their own rooms. Brian made some jokes that Steve turned out to be too bad in bed so they couldn’t be together in one room anymore what was greeted with strange look from Stefan again.

Around eight pm all of them gathered in the hotel’s restaurant to eat dinner and sum up another week of their tour. The atmosphere was as great as never, Brian even gave the autograph to the waitress what didn’t happen too often of course. They were filled in with positive energy for another week and finally this tour started to look as it was supposed to.

Of course, like nothing in Brian’s life, that couldn’t last for too long but this time he was even surprised how briefly he was enjoying those moments. Too briefly. When they finished to eat, Stefan exchanged strange look with David and both of them got up, asking for silence. Of course all of them went quiet, waiting for big news and if the alarm bell started to ring in Brian’s head, he ignored it or pretended he didn’t hear it.

“So, we have something to announce you, guys,” Stefan started, smiling slightly.

“We didn’t really know when would be the best moment for that so we just decided to do this at the nearest dinner, like today,” David continued, looking up at Stefan and Brian noticed how gently he took him by his hand. Now Brian’s body finally responded for the alarm’s sounds as his heart started to beat much more faster than it should. What was that? What they wanted to say? Why was is becoming so serious?

“As you know, we’ve been together for about the year now and when we finally put our relationship on test during those few weeks of tour, we became sure it’s something really serious and important for us,” Stefan continued trying to look everyone in their eyes, of course except Brian. The singer didn’t know why he was avoiding him so much, what he expected to see there? He had no idea but whatever their announcement was, he promised to himself not to react.

“Exactly. That’s why, after this year, we’ve decided to finally… get engaged.”

The table went silent only to get really loud after first few seconds. There were congratulations, words of surprise, happiness and even more congratulations. But Brian didn’t hear anything of that. He felt like after this sentence he started to fall very fast into the very deep hole, without the bottom and without any signs of rescue. His vision became blurred as he got up and pretending the huge smile, he congratulated them. Of course he couldn’t look Stefan into his eyes because except the fact he just couldn’t, he didn’t want him to see what a thunder takes place there. He felt like he was taken so away from his best friend now, it was too hard for them to get close again. Maybe he was too dramatic but he felt like this was the time he lost him. Undoubtedly. With quiet words of apologize, he left the restaurant, explaining himself with the nugging head ache what wasn’t that far away from true.

But instead of going to his room, he simply left the hotel, taking the course on wherever his legs would carry him. He didn’t care anymore, he didn’t care about anything. It was like he became emotionless in just one minute and like all of his hopes just got shuttered in pieces and he wasn’t able to put them back together. There was always even a little light of hope but now... no light for him. Only this darkness, so overwhelming and so known. It felt like he was more familiar with it than with any other feeling. Of course if you could call it the “feeling”.

And the hint from Steve. To make Stefan jealous. For sure it would work, for fuck sakes. Yes, for sure he was secretly in love with him only to engage with someone else. And what about their promises? To never get married because it was the way the government wanted to control them? Why didn’t he even tell him earlier but just like everyone else? He wasn’t like everyone else, he was his fucking best friend for fuck sakes, he could expect some… special treating at the end. The anger started to raise up in Brian’s chest and the frustration and simply everything what was slowly growing inside of him during the few last weeks. Everything that summed up to one simple sentence, muttered under his breath:

“I need a drink.”

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yesss so that's it and I hope you liked it actually, it's a bit dramatic but well, life isn't that happy sometimes right?

molsdal kisses for everyone and see you next time!

Brian changed his position so now he was lying on his back and sighed, looking at the ceiling. That was so hopeless even he was considering himself pathetic. He should focus on the reality, on tour. He knew he was kind of letting his fans down but if they knew the reason, he was sure they would understand. Or maybe not, maybe it was that weird and crazy that even they wouldn’t understand it. At the end they paid for having a perfect time on the gig and for most of them it was a really special night, they didn’t want to see how miserable and depressed he was in the reality.

“Just shut up,” he whispered to himself finally giving up and getting up from the bed. Without wearing anything more than just his boxers and a long t-shirt he opened up the balcony door and went outside. The cold air hit him but he didn’t feel cold yet. It was refreshing and pleasant. He grabbed the pack of the cigarettes from windowsill and lit one of them, inhaling the nicotine deep into his lungs. Much better.

The view was amazing but also a bit worrisome. His apartment was on the twelve floor so he could see whole city from this high and the smell of sleeping city, this characteristic one, was making him a bit dizzy. But also he was always scared of highs. Fighting with the urge of stepping back, he came closer to the barrier and leaned his elbows on it. He was getting cold slowly but the cigarette was calming him down. His overthinking head, feelings and desires. Oh, how he wished Stefan could be with him now. But he wasn’t going to think about it now, it was just bringing the useless pain and again memories of their kiss. Brian smiled sadly because telling yourself to not think about something what he only wanted to think was also useless. Seemed like half of his life was useless. He put out the cigarette and threw it from the balcony. For few seconds he was following its path to finally turn over and come back to his apartment, deciding to get as much sleep as he still could this night.

  The change wasn’t that obvious but who should have noticed it actually did it. Brian was talking a bit more now, he was more willing to smile and he was more “diva” again. Even if not everybody noticed something was actually wrong, the whole band felt like some kind of shadow left also their hearts. The singer tried to observe discreetly if something had changed between Stefan and David but seemed like their kissed stayed in the dark where it was safe. And he didn’t mind it. He preferred to keep it as their little secret, only theirs, so he could treat it more intimate.

The show went incredibly good, at least as for the latest Brian’s condition, and everyone was in good mood, the atmosphere in Brian’s mind got just a bit darker when he saw how Stefan was kissing David after their performance but he decided to not care about it that night. Just not that night. He wanted Stefan to feel a bit insecure when he was around them and he had this feeling like it was true indeed. Of course, he knew that for Stefan it probably meant something much different than to him and nothing “serious” but he just wanted the bassist to remember their kiss while he was kissing with David. He just thought it was extremely important and was giving him kind of the satisfaction. Of course no one was such a good kisser as Brian so now Stefan could dream it was the singer whom he was kissing with. There was this provocative smile on his lips and he couldn’t stop it, just part of his nature was taking control of him. Like when he was young, how provocative he was then! Brian shook his head to stop thinking about those “good but embarrassing” memories and slumped on a couch in their bus.

“Tell me who is in a good mood tonight?” Asked Steve, sitting next to him and giggling from singer’s face.

“I don’t doubt you, Sunshine,” answered Brian, replying with the smile and messing with drummer’s hair.

“I’m talking about you, Brian,” Steve rolled his eyes, handing him a cup of hot tea, of course.

“Thanks,” Brian muttered under his mouth, taking a small sip from the cup.

“So, tell me what made you that happy tonight. Sell me some dirty secrets”, Steve almost couldn’t stop his laugh and it made Brian so positive that he didn’t even notice and found himself joking with Steve like he didn’t in a pretty long time.

“Oh, you wish Gumpie. I won’t share with you how to be the hottest male in this band because you could always beat me. And you know that’s my position. Also my dirty secrets may be too dirty for your innocent and immature mind.”

Steve finally burst out laughing and shook his head.

“Right, and you’re also the modest one here. And hold on! You don’t know MY dirty secrets, how can you know?”

Brian patted him on his arm and whispered into his ear.

“Baby, I know more than you would ever tell and believe me, you didn’t even get close to “dirty”,” he grinned watching how Steve’s face came from disbelief through shock and  finally ended up on resignation.

“Come on, Brian. Stop fooling me, I’ve almost believed you.”

Brian raised one of his eyebrows looking straight into his eye and said quietly:

“Maybe you should,” he got up from the couch, finishing his tea and then putting the cup it into the sink. “Long way before us Steve, I really need some rest. I’m exhausted.”

“Oh, the princess got tired,” Steve smiled to him but nodded his head in the way that of course he was understanding it.

“Fuck of Steve, you just envy me that I’m more fuckable in my forties than you in your twenties,” he turned in order to leave when Steve’s voice, this time more serious, stopped him once again. “Hey, Brian. Welcome back.”

Brian looked at him with a slight smile on his lips, kindly nodded his head and with a quiet “thank you” left to his bunk. It felt good to talk so normally with Steve. It felt good to not be so closed. Maybe he could think of staying like that for a bit longer.

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omg finally. I was struggling to write this chapter a lot and I know it's rather short and probably boring but I just couldn't get through that and as I promised I wanted to add it today and here it is 11.54 pm so I'm on time lol anyway enjoy and I hope you like it anyway

Last night they arrived earlier so they could sleep in a hotel, that’s why the breakfast took place in its restaurant where all of them met in the morning. There were, of course, casual jokes from Nick to Steve, this poor kid never had any kind of rest from them but it seemed he didn’t mind at all, always so cheered and smiled it was unbelievable, and they were talking about next gig and if you had looked at them from outside you would never thought there could be something wrong. But there was and  Stefan felt it in his bones. There was something in the air which was making his skin itch and was leaving him feel really self-conscious. And everything that was caused by this strange Brian’s behavior.

He was sitting quiet, barely eating and he was lost in his thoughts again. Who knows what was going on inside of it and Stefan would do anything to finally find out. After few minutes he finally looked up, meeting bassist’s eyes and it was easy to say he got a bit worried that Stefan noticed his quietness. Immediately however, this expression disappeared from his face and he smiled, putting some food into his mouth. But Stefan knew everything was faked because his eyes stayed the same, there wasn’t this characteristic spark in them, there was nothing, just emptiness.

He sighed, also losing his appetite and just playing with the fork on his plate. No one around the table noticed anything. Not even David who was busy with talking with Fiona. Sometimes Stefan was thinking that he didn’t know him that well as Brian did. The singer could always guess his mood, he could always say if anything was wrong and he could always make things right again. Of course it wasn’t anything surprising after sixteen years but he just wished David knew him that good. What didn’t change he loved him with whole his heart and was fucking glad he had him in his life. At least he thought so.

The show went pretty good even if Brian was still behaving rather oddly. The crowd was amazing and at least it made the singer smile what made smile Stefan. But after the show, when they came back to hotel, staying there another night as they were leaving in the morning, he disappeared in his room, slightly saying anything. It seemed like he decided to not talk with anybody for the rest of his life.

Stefan was so irritated he couldn’t focus on anything, not even David who had to notice his strange mood.

“Hey, you’re not listening to me,” he said, rolling his eyes. The voice brought Stefan back to reality as he looked at him with an unseeing gaze.

“I’m sorry baby,” the bassist answered with a sight, trying to focus on his lover.

“What’s going on?” David asked,  coming closer to him and wrapping his arms around his waist.

Stefan stayed quiet for few seconds, answering finally:

“I’m just worried about Brian.”

David raised his eyebrows, looking at him carefully, not really understanding.

“And what’s wrong with him?”

“Didn’t you notice his strange behavior? He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t smile, he doesn’t eat and he’s avoiding me all the time,” Stefan shook his head, sighing again and stepping back from David. Saying those words out loud made him even more nervous.

“Stefan, he can take care of himself, he is over forty, okay? If he had had any important issue, he would come to you, don’t worry that much.” David smiled trying to calm him down but it couldn’t work because Stefan knew that Brian was too reckless and when he was in his mood he could act worse than any of the teenagers.

“You don’t know him like I do. Maybe he’s forty but when he get closed like that something had to happen and he wouldn’t come to me. He never does because he doesn’t want to worry me. What only worries me even more.”

“If you’re that worried then why won’t you go and talk with him?” David raised his eyebrows, turning his back to Stefan. Was Stefan wrong or was he a bit mad? How could he be mad when it was about his best friend who he knew for half of his life? He came closer to him and hugged him from behind.

“Baby, he’s my best friend. I can’t not worry about him,” he said hiding his face in his hair.

“I know, I’m sorry,” David turned to him and whispered, “I don’t want you to worry so go and talk with him,” he leaned his forehead on Stefan’s, looking him in the eye.

“I will. Wait for me here or go to Steve, I’ll be back soon,” he kissed him quickly and left the room in the next moment.

Before he even knocked into Brian’s door he was standing in front of them for almost full minute. He had tried to think of what he could say but didn’t come up on any sensible idea so he simply knocked. It was quiet for some time and finally tired Brian’s face appeared in the door.

“Hi, Stefan. I didn’t expect you, actually,” he smiled but let him in, closing the door.

“We need to talk, Brian,” Stefan said in a low voice, facing him and sizing him up. Brian raised his eyebrows, like he didn’t know what the bassist meant.

“About what?” he asked, immediately adding:

“Something happened?”

Stefan exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself down.

“Yes. But I don’t know what yet. And you will tell me.”

Brian wrinkled his forehead still pretending he didn’t know what was going on and answered:

“How can I tell you if I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Come on Stef, I’m starting to get worried.”

The bassist shook his head, snorting in irritation. If Brian was starting to get worried then how the fuck he was supposed to feel?

“I’m talking about you. You are worrying me, Brian.”

For a brief of second, Stefan could see the darkness and the shadow in Brian’s eyes but as fast as it  appeared, as fast it disappeared.

“Why am I worrying you? Everything is fine,” he smiled again but this smiled didn’t fool him, how Brian could expect it would?

“Stop. I’m begging you,” his voice was harsh but in the same time he was desperate to know the truth. “I know you, Brian and right now you’re far from being fine, okay? I’m your best friend for fuck sakes, why don’t you talk with me?” He tried so hard to not high his voice but it was almost impossible when the singer was that stubborn.

The room got quiet as Brian refused both to talk and to look at Stefan. Now as knew he wasn’t that good in pretending, he didn’t know what to say. Because, of course, he couldn’t say the truth. It would destroy everything. His hopeless and not returned love for the bassist could only have that effect.

“Brian,” Stefan whispered, coming closer to him. “Just tell me.”

Brian raised his so big and so sad eyes on him answering finally:

“I can’t, Stefan. Please, try to understand me. I’ll tell you at some point but not now, okay? Just not now.”

The bassist got even closer to be able to reach him with his arms and hugged him tightly, like it would have been their last hug ever.

“It’s hard for me to look how you suffer, you know that. And you know that I love you with whole my heart. Brian, please, don’t do that to yourself.”

Stefan could feel how tensed was Brian’s body and how he relaxed in his arms. For the hundred time he realized how tiny he was and how good it felt to have him in his arms.

“I missed you,” he whispered, realizing how true it was. He had the feeling like he didn’t talk with him for weeks and he felt so guilty because here he was, in pain, and Stefan couldn’t do anything to change it. Even if he wanted.

Brian took a deep breath, like with some kind of relief and said:

“I missed you too, Stefan. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry but I can’t change anything right now. It will pass, believe me. And then I’ll tell you okay? I just don’t want… to make things hard.”

“Okay, baby. Whenever you will want to. But please, promise me you will stop avoiding me, okay? I want to have my best friend back.” He placed his hands on Brian’s arm and pulled him away a bit so he could look at him.

“I promise,” and this time Brian smiled with his true smile which Stefan admired so much, which was filling his eyes with lightness and which was making his face so beautiful it almost hurt to look at.  The bassist wasn’t thinking when he leaned on and put his lips on Brian’s, kissing him slowly, like he didn’t in a long, long time. Only after few seconds the singer realized what was going on and returned the kiss. It felt so good to finally feel him in this way and none of them wanted to end it because both of them knew it shouldn’t have been happening and when they finally would move from each other the reality would hit them hard. So they were kissing till they couldn’t breathe and even a bit longer, finally moving away from each other after a lot of long seconds.

“I should go,” Stefan said finally, stepping back and almost forcing himself to turn away to face the door.

“Stefan?” Brian asked before the bassist left. “ I don’t regret it,” the shaky words came out from his mouth as he was looking how Stefan is leaving.

“ I don’t regret it too.” He heard before the door closed behind the bassist and the singer was left all alone with his running thoughts. 

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I’m a bit ill so I thought I could write a chapter to feel a bit happier but it only made me sadder haha anyway here it is and I know it isn’t perfect but I kind of like it. Hope you like it too and please let me know if you do/if you want more/anything. Really, it motivates me to write and everything. :(

“Shhh,” it was everything what he got in response as Stefan’s lips moved to his own. His heart was beating so hard that he was sure Stefan can hear it too and when he finally felt those lips within the kiss, he couldn’t stop another moan. He loved them. The shape, taste and even the roughness were perfect. And it seemed like they were created especially for him. Stefan’s hot breath had mixed with his own as he sidled his tongue inside of  his mouth and thousands of flames burned inside of his chest. How he missed this feeling, like finally he was whole again.

“I want to kiss every little part of your skin. I want to make love to you like no one else did before. I want to make you mine. Just mine.”

His heart stopped for a second as he let those words sink into his skin to only start beating even faster than before. Stefan didn’t stop to smother him with light kisses all over his skin making his flesh burn in excitement and pure desire. The thrills were all over his body and he didn’t feel like he could handle it for too long.

“I’m yours already,” he whispered, reaching with his hand and smoothing his cheek softly. “I’m just yours, Stefan.”

  At that moment the loud noise broke through his mind and he found himself in his own bed, in his own flat and in his own loneliness. So fucking alone it hurt. Brian slapped the alarm clock with his hand, accidently sending it on the floor.

“Fuck,” he whispered, closing his eyes and feeling so pathetic like he had been a fucking teenager again. But he wasn’t and he was well aware of that. He hadn’t had such a vivid dream in a few months already but it seemed like he couldn’t fool his mind even if he wanted. He knew he was hard and as he didn’t have enough strength to fight with the need, he let his hand slip under the covers. After such a dream it was really easy to imagine what would happen next. How Stefan would slide into him and how he would take him. How his breath would become more frequent and how he would cry Brian’s name as he would come. It was way too easy to imagine that just how it didn’t took too long as he came himself to those images, falling on the bed after few seconds.

“Fuck,” he whispered again, relaxing his tensed body. He knew he didn’t have rights to do that that’s why the guilty feeling started to crawl inside of his chest. He glanced on the watch which was still lying on the floor and groaned when he saw the hour. The band meeting was going to start in about two hours so definitely he had to get up if he didn’t want to be late, like usually. At least he didn’t have to focus on what happened few minutes ago and why those “fantasies” appeared in his dream, especially in such a… stimulating way. Yes, definitely he didn’t want to go through that now.

Of course he was late and of course everyone had to wait for him. No one even commented it because it was considered as normality already. Brian just mumbled quiet “sorry” under his chin and slumped on a couch, carefully avoiding Stefan’s eyes.

“So, as everyone is already here, we can start,” said the manager, crossing her legs. “Let’s begin with dates. First goes Warsaw and we are leaving today’s evening around ten pm, just to remind everyone. Later Prague…”

Brian drifted off to his thoughts after first minute. He couldn’t focus on anything, especially on this coming tour and listening for the hundred time about the same dates was starting to drive him crazy. Suddenly his eyes caught a discreet movement and he saw how Stefan’s hand slips into David’s hand. Fucking love birds. The sudden anger raised in his chest and he felt like he was going to explode. Couldn’t they keep their hands far from each other just for one fucking hour?

Brian took deep breath trying to calm himself down and clear his mind a bit. Why was he reacting that way? Because of this dream? He had to definitely put himself together before the tour had started. Before he would be forced to look at them for almost twenty-four hours straight.

It wasn’t his nature. To only look and suffer in silence. He had to do something and better it would have been really soon. But for now the cigarette had to be enough. He pull out one of them and lit it carefully, not giving a shit they were inside of the room. Again, no one commented it, knowing perfectly that before the tour he was stressed enough and no one felt confident enough to risk his life. Only Stefan looked at him and shook his head in disapproval, drawing his attention again to the manager. Wasn’t he bored of the same information all the time?

After about forty minutes the meeting was finally over and the relief filled Brian’s chest. He was going to disappear as fast as he could but before he even had the chance to turn, the hand landed on his arm.  

“Hey, Brian. Wait for a while.”

With a sigh he faced Stefan, trying to force himself to smile but his best friend knew him well too much to notice it was faked.

“Is everything alright?” he asked with a bit worried voice, still keeping his hand on his arm.

“Of course, what could have been wrong?” He answered with a question, raising his eyebrows.

“You were acting a bit weird lately and you’re avoiding me,” there was a slight sound of regret in his voice as he looked straight in his eyes, trying to notice if Brian was about to fool him.

“I’m not. I was just busy with packing and besides. We will be seeing each other every day for the next couple of weeks so don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” the lies were burning his throat but it seemed like this explanation was enough for Stef. “Also, you had the company,” he pointed out on David who was talking with Steve right now and with the “see you in the evening,” he turned away from Stefan, leaving the room and the bassist behind him. He knew that Stefan wouldn’t go after him but still. No one forbidden him to hope yet. 

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Okay, sorry if it's still a bit boring and sorry if this little "scene" wasn't too good but I'm just trying to feel this story a bit and I'll try to get better okay. But hey I wrote it rather fast so yeah I hope you liked it and any comments are precious. 

Yes, they were starting the tour in two days. And yes, he wasn’t that excited as he should be. He felt like he wasn’t ready yet, like something was missing and he couldn’t get motivated enough. That’s why he was walking around the streets for such a long time, trying to find reasons. The reasons why he decided to keep Placebo going for such a long time. At the beginning, back in 90s, he had thought that after one record everything would be swept under the rug and forgotten. But it was 2013 already. And still they were recording and still they were doing tours. And still people wanted to listen to them. Why didn’t it make him happy enough so he could enjoy it in one hundred percent? Why was he still wrapped In this melancholy and sadness? Maybe it was this season, fall has always been rather depressing time for him.

Maybe it won’t be that bad. He hoped that in the second he come on stage during first of their shows he would feel this power of music which made him start making it at the very first beginning.

Slowly his legs took him back to home because it was getting really late and still he had promised to Stefan that he would start packing this evening already. There were a lot of things to take care of before they would leave. After few minutes he finally appeared in his flat, throwing keys on the shelf and leaving shoes in the middle of the corridor. His phone started to ring immediately as he moved to kitchen in order to prepare himself some tea so for the first time this evening he finally picked it up.

“Hello?” his voice sounded tired and definitely annoyed.

“Brian, for fuck sakes! I’ve been trying to reach you for few hours already. Where have you been?” of course that was Stef because who else would dare to confront him right before the tour.

“Just on the walk. Something happened?” he was trying to cut this conversation as fast as he could and stay in his thoughts, alone, as long as he could, before tour would take almost all of his privacy.

“Are you packed already?”

“Nope. I will be Stefan, I’m not a little boy okay? I can take care of my stuff, really. No need to call me every fucking five minutes and remind me what I should do,” now he really got annoyed and he knew it wasn’t fair for Stefan, like always he was bitching about nothing. The death silence on the second side of the phone made him feel even worse than earlier.

“I’m sorry, Stef,” he sighed, slumping on the chair. “I didn’t mean it. I’m just… I don’t know. Probably overstressed because of the tour,” a little lie always worked, especially if it was related to stress.

“I know, baby. We are all stressed. Anyway, I didn’t call you to tell you only about packing this time,” Stefan’s voice became excited at this moment and Brian trying to sound as if he was interested, asked:

“Yeah? What is it about?”

“David is coming with us!” Brian’s stomach turned upside down and he felt this incredible desire to throw his phone into the wall.

“Really?” His voice became quiet now and more distant. It wasn’t his fault that he simply couldn’t help it.

“Yes! Isn’t that incredible? I don’t know how long he will stay with us but for sure at  least few weeks,” seemed like Stefan didn’t notice this sudden change in Brian’s voice or was too excited to care.

“Yeah, that’s totally amazing,” it was pure sarcasm but again, Stefan didn’t say anything. “We will talk tomorrow okay, Stef? I really need to start packing already, my walk lasted longer than I expected.”

“Sure, don’t worry. We have band meeting tomorrow anyway so we can talk. Good luck with that.” Brian knew that Stefan tried to not feel disappointed but he knew him way too much to not notice it even though he wasn’t going to care about it right now.

“Thanks, see you tomorrow,” he hanged up and put his head into his hands. The thought of seeing Stefan’s boyfriend every day for “at least” few weeks was way too hard to handle, especially today.

“Great, this tour seems to start really fucking great,” he whispered to himself, getting up from the chair and proceeding himself right to the bathroom. Maybe a hot shower would help him to get himself together. 

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So this is it for now, I hoped you like it even tho it's a bit boring and I was writing it a bit "fast" so I could post it today. And yes, it's a bit short but I'll try to make parts longer, promise!