Journal Of A Girl

A deep-down despair that aches

Even when I’m happy

This intense grief

Shouting across time

Sometimes I think I was born to be sad

Born to absorb all this sorrow

And turn it into happiness for others

None of it ever meant for me

I keep hoping

The anguish goes away

But misery tucks me in at night

And dejection greets me like an old friend

Where did all this come from?

of every terrible thing

my parents hate about themselves

how do i ask them to still love me?

she appeared like an old friend

though looking slightly different

there’s a scar on her right cheek

a heavy dim in the eyes

hair bright and wild

still familiar thankfully

I look forward to her visit each year

the excitement of summer

warm, distant memories

new responsibilities

it will never be how we used to

I don’t know what it is

Or when I did it

And I’ve been waiting for someone to tell me

Repenting at an unknown altar

When I was 7

My grandpa told me about Heaven

How every good deed earned us a step closer

But, papa, I feel as though I climbed out of hell

And now the angels don’t want me

I’ll keep piling up the good

Eating the guilt

I know you just wanted to make me strong

The world is hardly kind to a woman

But there was no gentleness at home

And there’s no gentleness in the world

So where was I supposed to find it?

This heavy burden

Of all the women who came before me

Not of guilt or shame

Not at all

But the weight of such agony

Passed down fear

Deep and ancient rage

The monsters among men

And September falls in line

There’s an autumn breeze

Combing through my hair

A familiar feeling is settling in us all

Cozy sweaters for cool nights

I hope this month still shines with new beginnings

As the end to summer draws

There’s a little one starting school

Another is going back for the last time

Three more are waking up for work

And even if it’s hot outside

There’s a breeze in the air

It’s cool and exciting

As it eagerly finds us all

To a green planet

A kinder humanity

Fed and loved children

No war

Even just one day

Maybe then

We could figure it out

Until that day though

And the smell of sunscreen

But July?

July brings the smells of a backyard bbq

Swimming pools and bonfires

The first full month of summer

Endless heat

Infinite possibilities

A million firsts

A billion lasts

Everything in between

July is rarely forgotten

Yet new excitements await

Year after year

Anticipations build

And expectations exceeded

Meet me in July

Can tell who a poet loves by who they write about

The painter keeps drawing their love’s eyes on every portrait

But I was just a girl when I met you

And I didn’t know how to show

You were the person I loved

And then you were gone

Now there’s so many pictures

And poems

And paintings

What do I do with them all

Where do I put all the ways

I’ve shown

When I miss you so much

My chest aches

I rub an imaginary knot

That’s formed between my sternum

In an effort for relief

It interrupts my whole day

And four quick breaths pass

Before I put away the picture

Turn off the screen

Stuff you back into that corner of my mind

I place you down

And pick up car keys

I think I’m finally moving on

Inevitable and unexpected

We accept it and move on

Then I saw you

I knew right there

I’d fight death with bare hands to hold you once more

It was still ok

To imagine a lifetime together

An end

And then finding you again

My friend’s grandma died

And her husband was still alive

A new terror formed in me

An earth without you on it?

I saw a picture

It was little me

10 years old

And I cried

How young I looked at that age

How old I felt at that age

My mom couldn’t understand the tears

You always acted older than you were

There’s a laugh as she says it

A roll of the eyes

How do I tell her

The grown up ways I was treated

And looked at

I used to think

How old I must look

For all the attention I got

But seeing my baby face now

I know why

Until right before sunrise

I have a conversation with the moon

Tears and laughs

She cradles my cheek

By the end of the night

The moon has smiled

And I can tell

It has fallen for the boy from my dreams

I want to apologize

Soon she’ll realize

The sun will rise

And reality sets in

There are times

I’ve been demanded

To recount a past

I’ve tried so hard to forget

Tell me

How do I show you

Without cutting into wounds

That are still bleeding

How do I explain mental scars

That are physical to my skin

But unknown to yours

Mom

There’s a person on my shoulder

They’re holding my shaking hands

Whispering comfort into my ear

I can’t tell if it’s an angel or demon

I’ve learned both touches can feel the same

And I’ve never been good at knowing the difference

Trauma is a bruise that never forms

A broken bone that won’t show up on any x-ray

You won’t believe something you didn’t witness

But my hands are shaking again

And my throat is dry

After all the bad things

This world has done to me

I still seek the good

To cry over nonsensical acts

Just to smile at the sunset

I’m digging a hole upwards

And dirt is filling all around me

But there’s a light peeking through

It’s cold

I’m tired

And the world can be a terrible place

But the light is so bright

So warm

And I’m not ready

To let it bury me