AnonymouslyE

I passed an elderly woman this morning. Forcing a smile and trying to display an expression of respect, I said good morning and opened the door for her. Usually I'm moving rather quickly through the store because I deplore grocery shopping.... But my energy level was a bit deficient and my spirits were low. After the woman cleared the entryway, I paused for a moment and proceeded to wander around aimlessly around the store.

After about fifteen minutes of roaming, my cart was still empty and a blank stare had taken up residency on my face. I felt no energy from anything around me. But still, in an effort to be the strong black woman everyone expects me to be..... I pushed the cart foward after checking my watch. I still don't remember what time it was then......

I stood in the middle of the isle pressing into my temples trying to remember why I'd come to the store. I suddently jumped when I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. It was the old woman I'd held the door for. She was very small and thin but there was a warm powerful surge of energy coming from her touch. "You gone be alright, chile."

I never lifted my head, trying to conceal my grief..... I never thanked the woman or acknowledged her message.... I can't even remember what she looked like. I left the empty cart sitting in the middle of the isle and walked back home. I immediately layed on the sofa and went back to sleep.

Nothing else eventful happened.... so I thought. But I woke up again this morning and the sadness I'd felt earlier was gone. The worry had subsided. My mind began to function properly again.

Know that God is good! Just as my heart bled for my child yesterday.... God's grace and mercy will never fail us.

Have a great day! Be blessed! Be a blessing to someone else. Smile and know that you are loved! and remember..... ."You gone be alright, chile."

I will no longer let my pride or fear tell me its wrong to love someone (man or woman).

I accept the fact that sometimes you can't help who you love..... I also accept that sometimes who you love can't accept the person you are...

I know now that just because you love someone doesn't mean you need them to love you back.... and it doesn't always mean they should remain in your life.

People are put in your life for a reason, season or lifetime. I'm learning to let go of resentment and disdain for those who have disappointed the Erin of days passed.......

I am learning to love people for who they are to ME and not who I am to THEM......

"Love is life and life is living!" ..... I'm on my way home!

I would never admit this... not even to him... although I'm almost certain he knew... by the way my body began to shake... the way my speech was almost non-existent... the way tears streamed across the bridge of my nose saturating the pillow. He knew alright.

He knew he had me. He knew he'd broken me down to submission, by the simple whisper of "yes... i promise" that I let escape from my lips. For now I was compliant. There was not a hint of defiance. I did not resist. I meekly accepted my 'punishment' wishing it to be over... hoping it would never end.

I could no longer fight. All I could do was curse... and bless the actions that brought me to this moment.

I lay be beneath him in a state I've never been in all my thirty-something years. I was too smart for this. I was too 'seasoned.' I knew the game... so I thought. But never have I had someone fuck my mind like that... have me so completely sane...so aware that my so-called transgressions were somewhat justified.... yet becoming utterly bewildered... tamed... controlled... taken captive.

Several hours before this, I'd been sitting in frustration; sending him words filled with emotion. The alcohol didn’t help. It only added anger to the messages of perceived neglect I was trying to relay. I'd fallen asleep alone, and subsequently: angry. When I'd awaken, his response to my ranting further dampened my mood. His message was clear. He'd finally tired of my tantrums and would, under no circumstances deal with it any longer. His intolerant tone only made me more upset. I replied only acknowledging the receipt of his message.

Hours later when he knew I'd be free of distraction and obligation, he sent a message. "Come and get your punishment." I laughed at his cockiness and simply replied, "No." Still I was relieved by his summons. I knew he still wanted me.... but I also knew, by the simplicity of his message, this would come at a price.

When I arrived, it was business as usual. A hearty hug and kiss upon my entrance. Cheerful greetings and embraces from loved ones. Cold champagne and engaging conversation over the aroma of my simmering pots and pans. We ate. We drank. We smoked. We were merry.

Yes, every woman has a fantasy. Although I know I'm not ready for it, I fantasize about being his woman..... I have an image in my mind of loving him...trusting him. In my own world....my literary secrets.... I've let all guards down and loved him...every inch of him...given of myself freely and accepted him without apprehension. In my own world....where I mixed the experiences of what is real with what I crave for behind closed doors. Where I exposed every and any truth about my being without ridicule or judgment.... In my own world....where words hurt no one and all pleasures are [un]selfishly satisfied....where eyelids get heavy with thoughts of tender touches, sweet caresses, succulent kisses and tantalizing scents.... In my own world....where we walk in the park at our leisure, embracing, talking, touching each other's body, soul, heart, mind..... But real life is once again on the horizon. The sun lifts itself from out of the warmth and security of the night's darkness while doubt, insecurities, fears, facts materialize forcing me to accept this is just a fantasy..... Still.....(as always)....I cannot get him out of my mind....

I am struggling to push back the emotion. I am outside my comfort zone of indifference.

I am uneasy with feeling and expectation. I cannot operate in this condition.

My steps are apprehensive and unsteady. My responses are defensive and guarded.

Love is not an undesired destination but the journey is not one that I find myself prepared to take.

I have not yet learned to travel light for I must be adorned with the heavy overbearing armor that I've grown to find comfort in. Yet it impairs my agility and punishes attempts of tenderness.

In the distance I can smell the sweetness of love’s possibility yet when I open my mouth to taste it I am suffocated as though in the midst of an unsympathetic sand storm blinded by confusion, immobilized by uncertainty, terribly wounded.

Even as the sand settles, I still do not find relief. The sun bears down on me cruelly with a delusion of an oasis that will quench my thirst and relieve my anguish but only dissipates leaving behind an echo of condescending laughter.