OKay so this summer my bestfriend and I have been hooking up :)) great right???????? NOOO. Im an idiot always an idiot. i am the reason my heart always gets broken . so lets start from wayyyy in the beginnin. 

Ive always liked my bestfirend like if he were to come up to me one day and profess his love and beg to marry me i would do it in a heartbeat. this has always been a feeling ive had towards him since i was a freshman in highschool. HIGHSCHOOL. jesus christ no wonder my heart is broken I NEVER MOVED ON. yes ive always had this fantasy that me an dhim would move on from friend phase but to no avail that seems like it’ll neevr happen soon,

SO, back in june my friend group was invited over my house to partayyyy and we all got super lit. well my exlover, lets call him Luke, i aint givin u the real name lol, he was feeling sleepy and brought a pillow to sleep over and asked if he could sleep onmy bedroom floor upstairs because he wanted to get away from the noise. I let him lol i was drunk and high and didnt really care. When the night ended and everyone was getting ready for bed i went upstairs and got ready for bed. There he was sleeping on my floor like an angel (if only he was in my bed) I slept in the room with him wishing he was sleeping next to me. The next morning things got weird. I saw how he looked when he woke up and AWH adorable and fangirling on the inside. He was being extra nice after that. For the next couple weeks we would snapchat and he would ask me how my day was?????? RED FLAG bc since when did u fucking care before? I knew then and there something was up bc this kid would never want to know. Then he fucking asks “whats ur opinion on friends with benefits?” and i answer truthfully that it’s good when both partners know its strictly for fun no strings attached. And that ladies and gentlemen and all is when the snowball starting falling down the goddamn hill. 

Now, keep in mind, We neveer discussed or let it be known wtf was going on between us. So for the next month, we flirted so much, like somuch. everytime we saw each other we would smirk or wink while our friends were around us completely clueless. I would snapchat him flirty pics, NOT NUDES, and ask him to just hang one on one alot. Just constant flirting it felt amazing because i love attention LMAO especially from the one who u would love to be ur lover??! anways one night we got icecream together and then went back to his place to chill i guess? i mean that was the plan until we kissed for the first time and something kinda went loose bwtn us. I know i wasnt the only one who felt it. 

We hooked up alot. While our friends made plans to do something we would do something completely different and then hookup or cuddle lol. Now this guy is kinda a player. Ive known that ever since i met him, hes told me crazy stories about his past hookups and i sat there and listened internally cringing bc i didnt wanna hear that ya know? And he talks to 10 girls at once so I always felt weary about our situation. like is he also fucking other girls or am i the only one? There were moments when i truly thought he liked me , like one look in the eyes and i swear i saw something, that he felt some type of way but never said anything. UGH  Many questions and red flags were raised throughout our sessions (lolll) I always wanted to ask a question but my stomach would turn bc I was afraid of the truth, the ugly truth that he was just using me. 

Luke is a really amazing person, an all around guy, the type you want to bring home to ur parents, so charming and yet clearly untocuhable for me. I adore him and probably always will, his friendship with  me is something i will cherish forever and would never want to losehim over something silly,like this, but things still need ot be discussed. 

So we keep hooking up (in secret) I would never tell my group of friends about us. THEY are BLABBERMOUTHS and just annoying  lol fuq dat. So i tell my absolute bestfriend (outside the friendgroup) about me and luke and how fucking confused i am. Like one minute you ddont spare me one look and now youre eating me out every week??? like the fuck wheres the correllation cant find that bitch. ANd she tells me to just talk to him, hes your bestfriend and hes definitely got to be feeling the same way , FUCKING CONFUSED. so with a stubborn heart i agree with her words of wisdom and plan to talk to him soon, atleast before he leaves for important duties in the fall. 

After that, I try to find the courage to bring it up or somehow slide into conversation with Luke but the moment never felt right and i wasnt strong enough. I fcking wear my heart on my sleeve 24/7 and with any lover/love interest that shit it blinking flashing lights at them. My hopes will forever be as high as the sky with everything and i hped he would be interested in taking the next step. But the stars were not in my favor this time.

After some really great sex, I felt nauseous and sweaty about bringing up “the talk” with him bc i didnt want to burst the bubble. Eventually after a long half hour i mustered up the courage to ask(whole convo fuck apostrophes) what is this? and what are we im very confused” turns out he was just as confused as me . “it just kinda happened” yeah i guess it did, but do you like me is this sexual attraction because this really happened out of no where! he couldnt explain it he was truly as confused as i was, he then explained how he isnt ready for a relationship and( i did die a little inside when he said that bc im hella insecure and im like is there something wrong with me lol???) I told him that I didnt want to be another one of the girls he fucked and he got rlly offended and got mad that i said that and assured me that im definitly not like them, but bitch it kinda feels like it even tho im kinda guilty as well using him for pleasure. 

but he told me he really cares about me and i told him the same, i would never want to lose him especially over this. he rlly fucking sucks at confrontation and made a joke about how he would set me up with someone soon and fuckinh ouch man too soon jeez. 

I am so glad we talked even though im overwhelmed with so many emotions right now, we needed to clear the air bc i know once he left he would act like this never happened which is what i dont want to happen bc IT HAPPENED. no point shoving it under the rug lol.  

I wont lie im hurt, but imglad we didnt try a relationship anf then it crumble along with the friendship we built over th years. A huge part of me wishes we could work but i guess the timing is not right right now. 

So i, anonymousfootstool, have been slightly used and walked on this summer but hey atleast i had fun lol and kept a friendship somewhat alive. I’ll do what i always do to get over a guy, go for a run everyday and run until i cant physically run anymore. Heartbreak sucks major ass, but the lesson life gave me is this: Dont fuck around with your bestfriend unless ur ass is 99.9% sure its not gonna bite u in the ass. 

im so horny right now .

hi its been a while only because i kinda got my life back together but now its starting to suck. suck alot. 

to me, Relationships mean alot to me. Not just romantic, but friendships and family relationships too. The people close to me are so special to me and when they get close i become attached, slightly possessive and care deeply for them. And then when they turn their back on me i get angry fast and become hurt, so hurt that i want to cry and never talk to them again.

Sometimes,, i believe i am one of those toys that people enjoy then when all of the trick dont work anymore, people get bored of me, thanks lorde, and its true. I think when im around a person for too long they get sick of me and stop trying. and that makes me so mad, it makes me insides hot and makes me want to do something with my hands but i cant because im so hurt. I put my all into everything i do, including relationships, i want them to work, i want both of us to be on the same page, to be happy, but when one member of the party pulls back, makes other plans, cancels plans, i feel like at this point its a fucking broken record and im sick and tired of waiting around for someone who obviously doesnt seem to give a damn, {if they do they really fucking suck at doing it}, and start moving on to better things, better people. 

hey anonymous footstool here, its been a while, i like to think of that as a good thing becuase i only like to come here when i rlly need to get shit off my chest. 

eveyrthing hurts.

betrayal. be. damned. 

okay so my bestfriend has been acting weird lately and the reason why is because of a boy. typical amirite???? well anyway shes only known this boy  for about a week or so and things are moving very fast for her in my opinion. shes not the type of girl to just move fast in relationships but apparently thtas not the case anymore. im starting to feel like i dont know who she really is anymore, shes not a very open perosnt to begin with and right now i feel like shes not telling me anything anymore and its making me soo sos sos sos ssosos sooooooooooooo annoyed . shes also been hanging out with some other girl alot lately and every time ive asked her to hang out she  says that she cant or shes with anither person (aka her boyfriend)

my hands are shaking so hard right now bahahaah so i apologize for the hugge speelinh eroors and the keyboard is blurry from my tears in my eyes but i cant look back right now just need to type, 

i miss my bestfriend. what happened? she was always down to hang wheneevr and now she says oh im hanging with so and so right now but i might be free soonish? and then ill answer with you knwo what its fine dont woryy about it if you alreDY have plans right now i get it but really on the inside im so mad . 

im a very loyal friend. i always go back to the ppeople who hurt me or have not talked to me for a long time so when a close friend of mine starts to drift away i get scared and angry . like im always there for you so why is it that you cant do the same for me? i always put everyone before me and then when its my turn for help, everyone ignores me . why is it so easy for people to push me away? are the things ive done for you not good enough? am i annoying you with my presence? am i not funny anymore? is your new friend cooler? 

never in a million years would i ever betray my friends like that. but how could they do it to me so easily? am i a pushover? i dont even know and shes not doing anythign to help it , shes not reaching out to me to reassure me that she will find another day to spend time with me. i dont get it . 

i feel extremely hurt about this situation, the worst part is, i know it wont get better. itll just be me running back to her , asking her if shes free and get the same reply back again. 

i dont want to give up but lately, signs have shown that maybe i should. 

hey its anonymous footstool,, its so weird because lately ive been having trouble getting stuff off my chest and not just on here but to my friends and family...... its not intentional at all its just i tend to bottle myself up alot when so many things are happening around me. welp  lets get right to it then because the flood gates from my heart have opened .

so this past weekend i broke things off  with the guy i was seeing . i know we werent dating but why does it feel so awful? i told him through text (the shitty and cowardly way) that i just wanted to be friends and he agreed. afterwards i felt relief but also fatigue. like i knew i hurt him alittle bit because he told me when i asked him what he thoguht we were and he said that he thought there was something but he wasnt sure either. so we were in the same boat but neither made a move to use the paddles to get us going. as shitty as this sounds , i knew this was going to happen and im glad it did because it did not feel right. and if he texted me back begging for me to stay, i wouldve said yes and kept this awkward thing between us moving forward into something bigger, something more. now dont get me wrong, if a guy were to ask me to be something more with him then ofcourse i would say yes, i want a relatioship , but for some reason is , it just didnt feel right . youre probably thinking he just wasnt your type or you guys had no real connection or he wasnt right for you . why wasnt he right? like hes a guy, he has a penis, he has muscles, he was so nice , he was so funny, he treated me right, HE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT but why did he not stick with me? 

in no way am i suggesting that im confused with my sexuality because i fucking love boys (yum) , im just trying to understand why my brain and heart didnt want him in them. why was he not stuck? 

last night i had trouble sleeping , i stared at my ceiling and started to think. i thought about him and wondered if i stuck with him. and if i did what parts of me stuck? he did everything right , he was a perfect gentlemen , but for some reason his romantic actions dont stick with me. did i do something romantic and sweet that stuck to his heart? did i laugh too hard at his jokes and make a fool out of myself that stuck to his brain? 

when i saw him today, i thought about it. while i broke things off, did i break something else?

ok i posted a about a song and if you could take 5 minutes of your day, week, life to listen to it, i promise you, you wont be disappointed.and if you are disappointed .......welp gues you actually wasted 5 minutes of your life then bahhahaah suckerrrrr

alrighty im actually in a pretty good mood despite my anger towards , what ive dedicated this post to, the neighborhood dog. 

everyone has one or if you live in an apartment that doesnt allow dogs or you live in an anti-dog neighborhood (if you do youre a horrible human being) you see , I FUCKING LOVE DOGS. theres not one dog in my entire life that ive disliked or hated. i would never dream about killing or hurting a poor innocent dog because im not fucking psycho , but my neighborhood catty corner to me have a little white, fluffy dog that is adorable but every. fucking. night. these. dumbasses. keep. that. little fucker. outside. only. for it . to. bark. for. 3 hours. stRAIGHT. I DONT GET IT LIKE CANT YOU HEAR THE LIL SHIT BARKING ARE YOU DEAF ARE YOU BLIND DO I WANT TO THROW IT OFF A FUCKING CLIFF? YES . 

at the same time i feel bad because the poor doggy is left outside alone in the cold and he or she must be so sad and mayb the dog barks in the house so thats why the owners keep it outside but like i dont get it i really dont. i dont want to hate the dog but every time i start to hear it bark, my jaw clenches and i say to myself, one day itll die one day itll die. im such an awful person . 

maybe ill save the dog .

nahhhhhh too lazy to jump the fence okay thats all i have to share tonight moral of the story is, if you can relate i now know we have something in common woohoo, but if you cant relate, well, you suck. 

This Beautiful Life - Colony House

the world is such a confusing place. do you ever wonder how the fuck we got here???????????? im an atheist and struggle to believe in stuff like God or evolution,when people talk about the afterlife i often dont know what to say because what is there really to say? 

i will never understand society today and how we’re supposed to just go along with it all , how did we become so accepting of changes that would seem small but are actually big. why cant we have the power to say what we want , i know we dont in a way becausse its in our amendments but do you ever think about how stupid all of it actaully is?? why do we need a fucking piece of paper to decide our next move? our lives??? as every other human ive learned to accept that because little tiny me cant change the world because of what i think should be right. im telling you, the government is dirty dicking us behind our backs at all times . be careful. 

 sometimes i stare at the moon and think , how the fuck did that get there and why is it so hard to reach it , why cant it be simple as simple as you reaching for your glass of water? if you could escape where would you go? i would go to saturn or neptune just because i think theyre the prettiest planets. i would want to have a house on both, saturn looks like it would be warm so i would stay there if i was feeling cold. neptune looks chilly so i would stay there if i was feelig too hot.( its the little things in life ladies and gents , you must take advantage of them now while you can.) the other thing is life is so fragile and short, bahahhaha why do i waste my time typing on a dinky computer complaining to no one about my unimportant issues? i guess being human includes bottling up things because youre afraid if you said stupid shit like this out loud, you would be judged . you sometimes need a getaway im guessing. my getaway is my name anonymous footstool , i am the leader of this page , its your choice to become a follower i suppose ( run while you can) 

theres more things i will never ever ever ever ever evrr understand, but that would involve more typing and im trying not to get carpal tunnel . thats all for now folks but ill leav e you one more thing to think about ............ 

the next time you look up at the sky , ask yourself , why am i so small? 

this is where it all starts, no turning back now. alrighty im going to say all of my problems on here will be about boys but lets say a majority will be  them #noshame i think im an okay looking person ? ive talked to alot of boys like texting, snapchatting, but never actually hanging out with them while “talking” with them. oh “talking” is what people nowadays call “getting to know each other” rather than actually asking the person a date but thatll be another conversation we’ll save for later. 

ANYWAYSSSS, as cliche as this sounds, so theres a boy.

beware you are now entering the inner depths of anonymous footstool’s mind . Soooo this kid has been in my friend group for the past couple of years and we’ve always been good friends, always laughing but never anything more or romantic kind of stuff. recently we started to text alot. at first i was loving it because i was excited to become closer to him , at this time, becoming better friends. buuuut i dont think “better friends” included facetiming all of the time and going to the movies alone were in that category......

at first i was kinda weirded out. like totally bizarred that this was even happening, i had no idea what this meant, like is he interested? does he think im pretty? is this actually happening???? its honestly the weirdest thing, the whole transition from just friends to “talking” to what the fuk are we?? i ask myself this questions alot because right now, a month and half later,i am very confused what we are. are we still considered “talking” , are we dating?, AM I WASTING MY TIME? 

the last question always stays in my mind whenever im talking to a person. my sister says you are never wasting youre time when talking to a person, youre taking the time to get to know the person and see where it takes you, as mcuhh as shes right after ive talked to a person for some time and we eventually stop, i feel that ive wasted my time because we never took the next step into making whatever connectionn we had into something more. but anyways me and this guy have hung out every chance we get and ive loved every second of it. this is the first time a guy has asked me to hang out FIRST rather than me asking the guy amd then them shutting me down so it feels nice. everytime we hang out we watch movies and snuggle, right now its the cute version of netflix and chill bahaha . everytime im in his arms i wouldbt trade that moment for anything. its the nicest feelin g in the world and hes also a very sweet, understanding supportive person. i like that about him alot. hes also foreign (in a way) 

thats enough bacground info because right now youre probably asking yourself, anonymous footstool, whats the problem?

well.......he asked me to hang out with him this past weekend to watch another movie and all this shit and i agreed because ofcourse! im always in for a nice cuddle! but when that day finally came, our scheduled netflix and chill, i found i had no motivation. i didnt want to hang out with him, i didnt want to see him, i didnt want to talk to him. at first i was like you know what i dont care . i was inbetween not wanting to go and just going because i was guilty and felt bad if i just bailed out. i talked to my sister and she gave me excellent advice. she told me right now me and this guy are not dating or in a relationship, we’re just getting to know each toher and if i want to cancel our snuggle fest then its ok because i dont owe him anything, in the end, its all about what i want, what feels right in my heart. i agreed with her that whenever i make a decision im always first, im the star in my own movie. so i then texted him with a heavy heart that i couldnt hang out because my dad wouldnt let me leave the house and he responded with sad faces and “thats a bummer” bahhaha wow 

but right now at 10:32 pm im feeling so fucking guilty, if you could split me in half one half would be selfishness and the other would be empathy. 

i feel good that i didnt leave the house because i reallt did not feel like seeing him but at the same time feel like shit because if i were the one to receive that text i would be so sad and “bummed” out too. i realy dont knowhow to feel but im just scared the next time i see him he’ll be disappointed in me