Spacing out

“And that was the official start of her brighter days. You gave her strong feelings she didn’t expect she’ll ever have. You taught her to laugh at herself before anyone could laugh at her. You helped her out in finding solace in mayhem. Nothing seems to matter for her anymore. Not in this lifetime. Not in this world where gay people are continually hated. Not even her own blood. It’s life though, people need to lower their expectations. But not until she met you. You made her realize of how important it is to embrace the fact that sexuality will always be in flux, to finally free her wings and fly, to know that nothing remains unmoving, static, unresponsive. It’s a long shot, but she’ll brave this new world and put her game face on. Sometimes, people just have to let time decide and accept defeat. Not that they chose to quit but it’s better to be choosy with your own battles at times. It does hurt, yes! Like a whole lot. But pain is there where love is, people cannot decide which one should be on their side. They just have to live with it.  The irony of losing you? She found herself.”  

me: finally, the morning person inside of me will be unleashed tomorrow

It was just last year when I came into terms with who I really am. No more pretensions. No more nights spent on abusive alcohol consumption and obsessive thoughts about what could have gone wrong. At that time, I started asking myself all sorts of questions. If all the feelings I had are necessary or not. Because I'm used to be a part of something. Small or big. And then all of a sudden, I was not. I struggled to see the meaning of things. It’s like I’m locked up in a room full of several versions of myself but all of them I don’t recognize anymore.