be cringe, be creative, be alive

I am home

Surrounded by people I love

Surrounded by things I missed

Surrounded by the comfort I adored

But while I'm surrounded by my loved ones

I feel more alone than ever

They say you find yourself when you travel

That's a lie for me

I have no idea who I am anymore

A career I could have followed I no longer want

Friends whose lives have drifted away to things I don't want to understand

I am alone in my mind everything is the same but I am different

I don't fit into the mold of my life I left myself

I don't fit In again

I never fit in

I changed slowly until I did

But I don't want to change this time

Cheap whiskey that burns your throat

Tastes like ethanol mixed with oak

But it warms your chest and that's enough

It warms you enough that you forget the cold in your heart

It warms you enough that you forget what it was to feel loved and that knowledge scares you and releases you

You take a swig

This time it tastes even worse your body is rejecting it but it feels so warm

Warm like a beam of sunlight through a window pain that you lay in after a long lazy day

The drink makes you forget the cold

You take another swig this time a small one, afraid of your mouths rejection of this golden nectar of the gods

This time you were slow you tasted it fully and you recoil but oh

Oh it warms you again

What do you want to be when you grow up

At some point we stop asking that question

We stop caring about what the kids want to be and tell them to study for a good future

Work a 9-5 and stop having wild fantasies

But we know its wrong

What do I want to be when I grow up

I don't know but, I know I want to be free

I want to be me

I want to experience

I want to explore

I want to be me unequivocally

When I grow up

When?

I'm 21 what do I mean when

When I'm 30? 40? 50?

I refuse to wait anymore

I refuse to let my time fly out the window

And If I fly too close to the sun know

I laugh as I fall and when I hit the bottom

I'll claw my way up and up again and again

When your lighter is running out you are gentle with the flame

You strike and strike until a baby of a flame is lit your careful to not sniff it out at the birth of it's existence

You wait till the tip of your cigarette is fully lit before you let go as this may be the last chance you get to see this item in its weak bloom

This cold beer

The sun will be in my eyes soon

So I will most likely decide to move on from this place

This place where I felt so relaxed

This place where the cold glass countered the sun

This place where every cigarette felt like a clean breath

The place where I had the confidence to ask the guy next to me to have a cigarette because it smelt amazing

Imaginary conversation

I know exactly who I am now

But I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow

Doesn't it excite you

Yes but it still gives me fear

Do you not love the saying do it afraid?

I mean yeah but this is different from being brave this is my whole life

Existing feels heavy today

Every breath feels like it has meaning

Every blink feels intense as the end of days

My steps feel heavy as I slowly wander around an unfamiliar city

Homes are tall and narrow so tall in fact they feel Asif they lean on you for your dwindling strength

I feel crushed under the weight of my own existence

The sun shines warming every inch of your soul

It's just this hoodie protects me from it's crashing beams of soul warming light

I want my art to feel like a picture

The kind you stare at a little to long as you pass it in your hallway

The one you took on that trip the one most glide by without noticing

Sun soaking

A cool breeze on a sunny day

Not the kind of cold that gives you chills the kind of cold that cools you down to your roots the kind that caresses the grass and moves it like it lives the kind of wind that makes you believe in fairies in the trees protecting all who are overcome by the suns relentless rays

It shoots through the leaves of tall oaks and Hawthorn swaying gently in the wind so dazzling in there dance for they are ornamental in there existence

Cold witness

I remember the cold that bit into my fingers

I remember the aching pain in my calves

I remember the icey wind in my hair

I remember the great hill In front of me

It's black rocks imposing like a forbidden temptress I could not climb

The explosion rang out across it's firey tendrils gliding into the air almost reaching for the heavens only to fall and lose the spark that made it so magnificent

I couldn't help but think of Icurus as the fire falls for it reached for the heavens as it fell on the cold ground that froze my toes to the point of no feeling

I have this saying

Be cringe

Be creative

Be alive

It's a cringe saying and it's not creative but it does show I'm alive

Being cringe means facing your anxiety whenever possible being creative means to do you and do as you please and to be alive is to make your mistakes your way

It's kind of a stubborn saying

But I am stubborn which means I'm me which means I'm alive

But am I alive because of a saying

Or am I alive at all

Is there some divine creater and if there is am I just a robot to them a AI to be unplugged or am I a miracle of atoms fuzing together to make me think and breathe and make mistakes

If got existed then I have no free will

And if god doesn't exist then my free will is just atoms trying to stay together so which ever I believe in I have to survive

If I am a collection of my mistakes then I am also a collection of my guilt my sorrow my sadness

But isn't that beautiful because I'm also a collection of my love my joy my happiness and my compassion

Seeing people happy will do one of two things make you happy or make you sad

At the end of all that emotion it's up to you to decide what it made you feel

But if you where sad because of happiness then that's just as beautiful as being happy

The atoms that make us up are beautiful every molecule that makes us is beautiful and had no chance of making us who and what we are now in this moment yet here we are in our highs and lows existing

So be cringe

Be creative

Peace and quiet that's all I wanted and now I have it

Except in my head it's not peaceful or quiet

I thrive in chaos and the rush

But I always want the quiet and the peace

Burns and cuts I'm tired of

But sitting still makes me feel like I need to move so I pack my bag and pick a new place for some peace and quiet

Except I find the chaos or the rush

And again want the peace and quiet

My head rushing Chaos unchecked around me except it's peaceful no one is rushing but me in my head.

My thoughts don't stop ever unless I've got high or drunk but even then it's not quite quiet I just forgot to focus on my head I still have 5 thoughts a second but now it's acceptable to show it because I'm high or drunk.

People think I'm angry because of the world around me I'm not

I love the world I love people even when they upset me

I'm just angry that my brain won't stop

Pitter patter pitter patter

It won't stop like a clock I'm not ok

But everyone tells me I'm fine I'm not as bad as them

I've not been though enough bad things to be in a bad state

Paralyzed is a strange word for me to say i have always known who I am I have always known what direction I am moving in yet now I feel like I can't move

When I was 17 I made some pancakes and decided the best course of action was to be a chef I love food and food always seemed to love me yet some days I choose to go without food I'll spend the whole day in hunger cause no food seems to be the right food for me that day.

Except pancakes my pancakes specifically the same pancakes I made for myself most days when I was 14 locked away during COVID or the same pancakes me and my ex girlfriend would cook up late at night when my family wasn't home at 2am

Those pancakes always made me hungry and I would eat, one time I made pancakes after a party at my house right before I left for this trip there where 3 of us me one of my childhood friends we can call her b and my friend j who I was coming out here with to work, I had chilli crisp and hot honey pancakes with a little bit of Malden salt she had honey and sea salt at the suggestion of j and j had one with sugar I think the memory is hazy now and this was before I became paralyzed I knew who I was and where I was heading.

I don't know what I'm trying to write I'm just writing for the company of words on a page

I'm sitting in a chair in the front garden of a homestay in the middle of the Belizeian forest I'm the only guest it's the rainy season what can you expect I have $74 Belize in my wallet enough for 2 nights and the bus to Hopkins so I'll leave tomorrow mabye the next place will have flour eggs and milk and I can make my pancakes again cause I'm hungry and I don't know when I'll next eat.

Homesick might be the feeling that's making me paralyzed I haven't ever been this far from home without a little bit coming with me. I miss my friends and I miss my family.

I met this girl in placencia she's from new York she and I could talk for hours but she left for Mexico but she felt like a little bit of home.

She's not from England she has probably never been there yet I felt at home with her more than anyone I've met out here made me feel mabye I like her or mabye she's just a person who makes me feel at home.

I'm just rambling now but my friends would listen to my rambling if I ever opened up enough for them to have a chance to hear it.

Ill die bloody bruised and fleeting

Ill die young

Ill die in a fight

Ill die for a reason

Ill die right

Is it right to want that

Is it right to die for a cause

Or is it right to survive and continue to fight for a cause

Is it better to die and be remembered as a hero

Or to die forgot because you didn't die in that way

On that day when fire tries to claim your soul

When the last stand stood

When the wall doesn't break

When the camels back stands strong enough to persevere

Yet still I yearn for a death by fire and blade

I yearn for a death my way

I yearn for meaning

I yearn for brimstone and flowers

I yearn for blood and the daisies seen from an old man's eyes

112 days since I last saw your eyes

112 days since I last said I love you

112 days since it

12 days ago I thought I had moved on

12 days ago I thought I was free if the shackles you put on my heart

12 days ago I could sleep

It feels like 100 days ago again

It feels so fresh I should cauterise the wounds again with weed and whiskey

It feels like 112 days ago all over again

112 days

Tommorow 113

And the day after 114

When will I stop counting

It's been 115 days and I still think of you

It's been 115 days and I think I'm ready to let go

I want to be better

I want to be great at my job

I want to be happy

I want to understand myself

I want

I want

I want

I need to be better

I need to be great at my job

I need to be happy

I need to understand myself

I need

I need

I need

I have to get over you

I have to throw my everything into my work

I have to, to move on

I have to become happy to stop thinking about you

I have to understand myself so I can fix myself so you'll come back

I have to move on

But I only want to move on so I can get you back

So I wouldn't be moving on

I'm stuck

I can't move

I am in a bog and there's no way out

Every step I take feels like the wrong direction

It feels like I'm just getting more stuck on you

I feel everything and nothing

I'm exhausted and so so tired

But I still think of you every day

Everything hurts

Every conversation I have leads me back to thinking about you

Every move I make is to try and distract myself from the thought of you

And it doesn't work

Because I know

I know it will never feel the same

I know love is different with every person

And with you it felt like a cozy night in

It felt like ordering pizza at 2 am cause we're hungry

It felt real

I want to message you

I want to tell you how I miss you

I want to tell you how when I hear that one song I miss you more

But I know if I do it will hurt so much

I know if I message you It will hurt like a knife twisting

I know if I contact you I will not stop missing you

I know it would hurt me more than it would hurt you

I know.

But I still miss you

It's been 106 days since I last saw you

And I still miss you

I know your moving on

I know your out there dating

I know, but I still want you

I know but I still have a gaping hole in my chest

I know

I know

I know

You're not in love with me anymore

But I miss you

I miss your smile when I say something stupid to make you laugh

I miss your beautiful green eyes

I miss you

I miss the late nights where we have no worries

I miss you crying cause your sad I can't cry

I miss loving you even at my lowest

And I miss you loving me at mine even though you don't know I'm at my lowest

I miss you.

I want that smile back

I want those eyes to look at me again and say "I love you" even if you don't mean it now even if you've moved on even if it's a lie

I miss you

I want you back

I want all of you

All of your lowest moments

All of your worst traits because they are beautiful to me