mental health journal

Splitting does not only mean devaluation/idealization and does not only occur in relationships.

when ur in a really stressful situation and you should be freaking tf out but ur dissociating so hard you just dont care

Today’s BPD character of the day is: Annalise Keating from How to Get Away With Murder

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Now, you know I can't just change a lightbulb. I can only provide skills the lightbulb needs when it is ready to change itself.

I. Do not fall in love with a straight girl. II. When you inevitably fall in love with a straight girl, do not think about her. Do not think about holding her hand. Do not think about the way she smiles, like sunshine and sugar and too much good for her to ever be yours. Do not think about what it’d be like to wear her sweaters or to kiss her awake. Don’t think about her at all. III. When you inevitably think about her, do not text her. Do not smile when she replies. Do not ask her out to the movies, because this will never be a date to her, and when she offers to share her popcorn, you will hate yourself. IV. When you inevitably text her, do not tell her you love her. Do not tell her about your feelings. Do not tell her that every time you talk to her, you feel like you’re dying. Whatever you do, do not tell her that you love her. V. When you inevitably tell her you love her, regret it. Regret it with every fiber of your being for the weeks where you will not speak to her, regret it with every fiber of your being for the days you will speak to her again, regret it with ever fiber of your being for the rest of your goddamn life. (She was too good for you anyway.)

Are You Dissociating?

One day you will be high on starvation and numbers the gap between your thighs and the number on the scale one day you will realize that you never go out with friends anymore that you spend your Saturday nights cleaning vomit from the toilet seat and carving up your wrists. one day you will walk into your kitchen and everything will go black you will fall onto the tiles your head grazing the countertop before slamming into the floor and when the ambulance comes you will cry not because you are hurt but because the lights and the noise pierce the air for miles and you never meant to disturb anyone. you will begin to feel at home in emergency rooms the IV’s and blood draws that terrified you as a child will grow perfectly routine. you will learn that you never knew despair until you were circling a nurses station in a white gown begging to go home. one day you will be sitting in a hospital crying over a grilled cheese or gatorade or pasta and wonder where it was exactly your life went so wrong the friends you have left will spend their nights in the library or at parties or eating dinner with their boyfriends while you will sit beneath a blanket in a treatment center scratching desperately at your skin leaving red welts as you go one day your dietician will tell you you’re a pound up and you will fall apart so quickly they have to medicate you to bring you down. one day you will get tired of it all and begin to spend your nights writing goodbye letters and counting pills. you will feel a distinct sense of peace knowing the life you are living will finally be over soon. And when you fail you will collapse into yourself the exhaustion will fill your every breath and dread will grate at your bones. Because recovery is a purgatory for sins you’ve long tried to atone you poured acid through your bones but dissolved only your grace you will not realize this is your healing You will not believe that one day you will toss olive oil on your favorite pasta after work and order a cheeseburger on a white bun when you could have had chicken on wheat that one day you will spend your nights dancing until three in the morning and falling in love with the boy who kisses your neck before falling asleep that you will look around the room on a Saturday night and notice all of the people who are laughing, and drinking, and kissing, and feeling, and learning, and living, and realize you are one of them. because you are no longer the girl who cries when asked to eat a slice of cheese because you have gotten ice cream four nights in a row now and eaten chocolate chip cookies just because. because you no longer find joy in destroying yourself and rarely daydream about your funeral. one day your will be high on sunshine and road trips the glow in your skin and the laughter of friends one day you will write poems about how death was all you ever knew and how you lived instead