About me!

She passed away 4 months ago and I still can't believe it!

her funeral, the way she died, how the familly was stressing us, how we felt about it and the big responsibility I had to take on my shoulders...

all this things were killing me day after day. I wished I was the one dead and not Mum cause I knew it would be much easier for the family to accept.

I miss her so much, I think of her all the time, and I don't know what to do without her.

I kicked the bitch out of the house, I wanted her out of our life for a long time and I didn't know that I would be the one kicking her out! it's surprisingly satisfying!

This is the 1st Ramadan that I feel it wasn't benificial for me as I was expecting! the Bitch living with us is making it difficult for us to be happy! she's a Drama queen! not satisfied with anything! she doesn't laugh she doesn't know how to communicate! she's just a nightmare!

And the fact that Mum is sick was a plus of course but not as big as this Bitch's existance here! I used to cook iftar the whole day and yet get the time and energy to offer my prayers and read quran!

For 3 years,I've been in a relationship with someone I was deeply in love with, I tried so hard to let the relationship work and I tried to please him as much as I can but I couldn't! he cheated on me, he mistreated me, and just when I was ready to forgive him he left for more than a year! He came back appologizing and trying to win me back. I won't lie I was so happy that he came looking for me and I was desperatly trying to make it work again! it sound foolish I know, but I'm blindly in love that I don't see what's infront me, or I choose not to see!

and he couldn't use that chance well! he doesn't care about my feelings, ready to leave whenever he likes cause he's too selfish to think about what I want and what I like, and he named me wrong 3 times! what's illogical is that after all that I'm still surprised, hoping that I understood him wrong! I just can't accept the truth obviously shown in front of me and I'm still unable to lose him -that toxic person in my life-

Today is my birthday, I'm 29 years old now! Jobeless, living with my parents and trying to take a few steps forword.

Everything is pushing me down so I'm pushing myself down too!

and everytime I try to motivate myself I fail and I feel down even more

I was planning to buy myself a gift, to make a chocolate cake for myself and wish me a happy birthday since nobody cares about that! but I couldn't enjoy the day cause like everytime, I'm the one to blame when something bad happen in the house, plus, there's a slut living with us causing problems and making our life even worse!

I need to reorganize my priorities and be more serious and commited to what's important! I just don't know how to do that and from where to start?!

My friend sent me a picture of her pregnancy test, it was positive!

I'm so happy and excited for her. and I just wish for her all the happiness of the world.

I love kids, and I've always wanted to be a Mum, I'm soon to be 29 years old and I'm afraid my dream will never become true!