Sorry

I’m moving back home. Don’t remember how much I talked about that here. I cried so much, Ariana hurt me so bad the night of the party. I cut myself that night, the first or second time with a blade. The only thing keeping me sane was Maddy in my bed. I really didn’t mean anything negative towards them-I never have. I still don’t like to talk bad about them. This whole thing started over something so small. And I lost my best friend over it, right when Heidi moved away. I feel so lonely. Living with mom and dad is gonna kill my sex life but I don’t really have one anyways, so it doesn’t matter. It’ll be so much better and easier to live here than with the witches of carriage hill. I didn’t feel comfortable enough to poop there, let alone live there for a year.

Heidi’s gone. She and I both are so lonely and miss each other so much. It’s hard on her to be there but she’s having a really good time there so I’m happy for her. I hope I can visit her. I have to, and if I move home I’m definitely going to save a ton of money so I should be able to afford it right?

I started at the gym less than a month ago. I’m still not up to speed on the service desk, and they started me in membership. My first shift alone is next week. I’m not ready at all. I also trained concierge and that’s even harder. They all seem to think I’m ready for it, but I don’t feel comfortable at any of it yet. Jake has trained me the most in membership. He’s leaving and I’m really sad. I think he’s the only one I could talk to about how scared I feel about doing all of this so fast, and now he’s gone. But he texted me today while I was at the pool to reassure me and kind of provide another option for asking for help. I teared up while reading it, because he is truly the only one who I feel comfortable around (of the people who train me) and now he’s gone.

The pool is the same as ever. Jim is offering to let me stay on as minimal staff even though I want to audit in the summer. He just wants me to do the schedule and help with inservice. Obviously I would do more, but it’s super big of him to let me do this. The people who work there though... getting on my every last nerve.

I’m super scared to apply to audit. I really want this, but training at the gym has made me remember how much I hate doing new jobs. And if Erik and Haden work there again? It’s like Jake/Dom flustered training all over again. I’m scared to apply but I’ve got a couple months to get my shit together.

I’m finally getting over T after getting my heart broken by him. We’ve both sent out booty calls and been shot down, but now that he told me himself that we can’t keep hooking up, I can finally move on. But last night I had a dream that I was pregnant with his kid. I was so scared, trying so hard to tell him, but he was never alone, so I had to deal with the thought of getting an abortion on my own. I just wanted him to hold me. So I started my day feeling very lonely and lost, not the best way to wake up.

I was supposed to have a date with C tonight but she cancelled. I’m worried she’s gonna ghost me again. We had had such a good conversation last night and she barely talked to me today. She’s really cute and I like her, but I’m worried that I’m getting attached too quickly. I think I’m just in a vulnerable spot and I’m happy she wants (wanted?) to go on a date with me in the first place.

Low: it was Alyssa’s going away party

Lower: T made out with Abby

Like A please, stop pointing out that I’m acting tired. That’s only going to make it worse. And stop trying to buy me a drink when I’ve said that I’m driving and that I don’t want any. You should respect that even if you’re drunk.

It made me jealous to see how M was loving up on you all night and not on me. I know you stood up to her later but you are becoming the sister I know she wants and I wish she would treat me that way.

And C. I’m so sorry we couldn’t get hype for your birthday. We all felt a little weird, but we’ll get to el az later this month.

M, why do you always have to be that way. You only like me when you’re drunk, and even then you like A more than me.

Also A, I’m not mad that I had to drive all over the place or that you forgot your ID. I just feel overlooked and under appreciated right now and I feel very taken for granted in all aspects of my life. Nothing you in particular did to spark it, just bad timing.

I just don’t want to be the responsible one for a little bit. But no one else can or will step up to help me. I just get yelled at if I try to step down. So I have to stand tall all day long.

I haven’t gone for his type in a while. And thank god I have D to help me because idk if I can shoot my shot here unless the seed has already been planted.