Annie Ruthie

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Was this what I deserved for all of it?

My journey since stepping foot in Ul’Dah years ago had been arduous. And I’d fought long and hard to do what was right for the people. I served them, I protected them, I represented them. I practiced and performed alongside the upper echelons of this world. I carried it all solemnly, within myself. And in the depths of night, when I was alone, I let myself hate it. Sometimes, I didn’t even feel guilty for that, for hating it. But the role I’d taken on, the Warrior of Light, it was impossible to live like this. It eats me up, everyday, inside out. I’ve always wondered if it will take my organs first, silently, or if I’d look down one day and see it dissolving my skin from underneath. And, selfishly, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was really what I deserved for everything I’d ever done. If this was the fate I was destined to lead, with the silent suffering and pain and the tiny little twinge of regret that always lingered deep under there. But I guess this was the fate I chose, all those years ago. And it was the fate I’d continue to lead.

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My head rest in my hand as I leaned over the table, gaze settling neatly into his. He was foolishly, stupidly in love with me, taking in my form as I sat across from him. A similarly-stupid smile spread across my own face as I watched him smugly take a sip of his drink, taking care not to break eye contact.

Gods, I love him. The way he looked at me like I was breakable; like if he loved me too much or too hard I’d simply shatter. We felt right after all this time. Twelve know it took us long enough, but we did. And even from the way our hands fit together when clasped, and the way that even his smell felt safe; that sweaty, musky, loveable Thancred smell. When I was away from him, I missed it, burrowing my face into his hair or the collar of his jacket, and just taking it in. It was the way I watched him fall in love with me all over again every time my ears twitched in response to something he said. It was cute, the way I could undo him like that. It felt good, to be in love like this. It felt good to have a home like this.

I watched him again, still sipping his drink, across the table from me at Xbalyav Ty’e. I donned a sweet smile as the words in my mind escaped through my lips: “I love you.”

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“See to your men, Pilus.”

The voice called out across Rhalgr’s Reach. I looked up from my place at Shtola’s side and saw him sauntering across the battlefield with panache. He was big, and his armor only made him bigger, with broad shoulder plates and spikes protruding from the edges. His helmet blocked his face, but his hair was long in the back.

The crown prince of Garlemald. Zenos yae Galvus.

I picked up my cane at my side and stepped defiantly toward the man. The butterflies in my stomach did little circles. Fuck. I kept my head steady and gaze focused firm on the place where his eyes surely were. Spit began to gather in my mouth, and my heart picked up speed, out of fear or wanting I know not. My eyes narrowed as he referred to me as his entertainment. I breathed in a sharp but subtle deep breath as I readied my cane and my soul for battle. He wouldn’t have me like this. At least not without a fight.

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I had fallen for her, and she was worlds away.

For the first time, it felt like I had something to lose. I’d always been willing to put my life on the line for those I cared about, but with her, it was different. Not because I didn’t care about her, gods, definitely not, but because the thought of missing out on that time with her was enough to make my stomach churn. It was the middle of the night, and it kept playing back in my mind, despite how hard I tried to avoid combing back through my memories of her. The way she’d stared at us, at me, a look concern washing over her face. The way that she was the last thing I saw before I blacked out. I still pictured it, after all these days. Time wouldn’t fly, not even after all these years; it was like I’m paralyzed by it. Some days, it still felt like that first day I saw her in Ishgard, warily standing by Lhili’s side. By the Twelve, she had been beautiful that day, cheeks turning red from the cold, now colored to match the tattoos that graced her limbs. Those warm cheeks melted through to my heart right then and there. She carried herself well, with confidence, and gods, I loved it. And I’m sure she thought I’d never noticed, but I saw the way that confidence melted when I looked in her direction, the same way she’d melted my heart. I’d told myself, Don’t get attached. This thing would be a shot in the dark, and I was only capable of loving in shades of wrong. She’d never deserve that, and I’d never deserve her.

~

It was falling in love in the cruelest way.

Losing Lhili hadn’t even been the worst of all this. And I hated that that was the case. My mind spun faster these days than it did when I’d watched him collapse across the table in Ala Mhigo. I wished, more than anything, that the voice had taken me with him. ‘Come back, be here’ is what I had whispered desperately into his ear that night, tears helplessly streaming down my face. It had happen at such an inopportune time, right when I was just about to really fall in love with him. If I had known what I know now, I never would have played my cards so nonchalant. I wouldn’t have treated all our flirtations as playful banter, wouldn’t have hidden how utterly smitten he made me. But the feeling had sunk in too late, and I hadn’t had to guts to call it what it was, not ‘til he was almost dead, and gone, and we were all but buried. I knew something for certain now that I didn’t before, and that was that I loved him. Everything had changed between then and now. But it was too late. It was the ruthless game of love, and I had become but a pawn.

Sometimes, though, I wondered how he thinks about it now. About us.

~

Do you remember it all? That’s what I wished I could ask her. Though, I knew it was long gone, and the magic of it all would have vanished by the time I returned. She would have forgotten, forgotten our gazes meeting across tables, across rooms. Forgotten the way my lips curled into a smirk when I tossed a teasing flirtation in her direction, and how my eyes always glanced up to watch her ears do a dance in response. Only I would remember the glisten of her green eyes, remembering the delicate beginning rush I felt when I looked at her. Only I would remember the way she gave my stomach butterflies. The idea of her simply forgetting left me feeling like a crumpled piece of parchment. I couldn’t bare the thought.

I don’t wanna need her this way.

~

‘I don’t wanna miss you like this,’ I whispered into the night, clutching my head in my hands as I broke down. It’s not fair that you’re not around.

His absence had left a trail of want in its wake. I kept finding myself attempting to sneak glances at him across rooms, my eyes only met with the unreturned stares from blank walls. I kept expecting to hear his laugh when I told a joke, but instead my mind just spun, replaying his laughter for only my ears to hear. I hadn’t been trying to fall in love, but I did like a child running. It had been so easy. It had been easy to fall for his pathetically handsome smile and addictive flirtatious personality. And the way he caused my cheeks to burn hot when he looked at me for a moment longer than usual. Sometimes I could still feel him inhabiting the room; my mind always knew exactly how he’d respond to a comment, or the face he’d make when one of my little quirks came out. Remembering him came in these flashbacks and echoes. It was hard and fast and all at once, like a tornado. The memories of losing him, missing him, loving him, they all picked me up and put me down and left me stranded.

I can’t decide if it’s a choice, getting swept away like this. But if it is, I’m certainly not trying very hard to choose differently.

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This piece spiraled into a love letter to @taylorswift's Red album. Most immediately inspired by Come Back...Be Here, a song I've always associated with Saff and Thancred's relationship, I had on the album while I was slowly working on this piece, and quickly began integrating so many references and lyrics. Truly, though, 'this is falling for you and you are worlds away' feels like it was written for these characters.

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“Lhili?”

~

Lhili Rhutree is the name Saffron had heard passed around the streets of Ishgard the past few days. That she was accompanying the Warrior of Light, that she had been injured. But that couldn’t be, because that was Saffron’s sister.

~

Saffron warily traversed the marbled steps of Fortemps Manor. She didn’t know how she’d convinced the guard to allow her passage into the manor, though here she was. Apparently Lhili’d been on-and-off bed rest for weeks now. Saffron didn’t think of home often, not of Lhili, not their other siblings, not their parents. It had been years since Saff had laid eyes on Lhili; when Saff had left home, Lhili had still been chronically aethersick, spending most of her days holed up in the Conjurer’s Guild of Gridania. Saff approached the decorated door and knocked. She could hear someone maneuver around on the bed inside, before “Come in,” was uttered sweetly from the other side of the door.

Saffron opened the door carefully, eyes scanning the room. And there she was, the very same small Miqo’te that Saffron knew all those years ago, with her same mousey-brown hair. She’d bulked up since Saff had left home, though, as had Saffron. Lhili’s face was exhausted and tear-stained, eyes hollow and unfocused, at first. She was wearing a demure nightgown as she sat propped up in the bed, eyes finally flitting to Saff’s direction.

What came next, Saffron should have expected.

She watched the emotions play out on her sister’s face like a stop motion. A stunned flash of recognition struck her face at first, the realization and the thousand memories playing back across her eyes. But what followed was apprehension; all her walls went up at once, and Saffron could watch as her eyes changed from soft to glazed over. And that was well-deserved, and Saffron knew that, but it had still come as an equally unexpected surprise. Saff felt an unjustified twinge of pain and regret sink into her skin as she watched her sister stare befuddled and disassociated back into her eyes. Saff felt a lump form suddenly in her throat, spit pooling in her mouth, as she attempted to reach out with the only thing she could think to say.

“Lhili?”

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I don’t know why I even bothered kissing him back.

I did like him, I really liked him. I think I might love him. And he loved me, of that I was certain. Here he was, lips forming a smile atop mine, pressing soft, gentle kisses to my mouth.

And I was kissing him back, and I was thoroughly enjoying it. We were sat in his room within The Crystal Tower; my one hand pressed against his chest, half lined with crystal, the other tugging the fur at the nape of his neck. He cupped my jaw and waist, pulling me closer, beginning to nip his teeth into my bottom lip.

And it felt good. His teeth in my lip, my tongue swirling around his mouth, absorbing his taste. The purr he emitted when my lips lazily lost their place on his and found their way to his neck, that alone sent a shiver of pleasure up my spine. I pressed soft kisses into his archon mark, nibbling in between to ensure he’d remember our time together. Except I knew he would. His years of solitary yearning would make sure of that. And that’s what wasn’t fair to him.

Because he didn’t know I’d fallen in love with Zenos yae Galvus.

He didn’t know that while he was fighting tooth and nail to do whatever it took to bring me to his side, I was having sex with my sworn nemesis. Good sex. That I had failed to uphold the very foundation of my morals when it came to that man. That Zenos knew parts of me I wasn’t sure G’raha-

My thoughts were interrupted as I realized our positions had switched, and he was now leaving marks on my neck. A soft moan escaped my mouth as he bit and tugged at my skin between soft, sweet kisses. I took his chin with my fingertips and brought his lips to mine again, smiles gracing our faces as I pressed a deep kiss to his lips. He tasted sweet, I thought. Like honey and sugar, soft and sweet and decadent to the very end. But as I tried to savor Raha’s taste for the first time, my mind was unwillingly pulled elsewhere.

My first meeting with Zenos had been anything but sweet. I’d barely had a chance to close the door behind me before his lips were on mine, ravenously biting and pulling and fighting for dominance. It was minutes after that that our clothes were off, his hands roughly cupping my breasts as he traced down my tattoos with his tongue. He took his time the lower he got, taking care to leave marks inside my thighs where only I would find them. He had whispered things against my inner thigh, things-

“-pretty.” Fuck. How long had he been talking for? And why did hearing his voice like that make my heart start racing. I exude a probing noise as he continued to press kisses lower past my collarbone. “So pretty,” he repeated, hushed between kisses. By the Twelve, hearing him like this, him call me pretty, was doing something to me. A whine forced its way out of me, and I could feel Raha chuckle atop my chest. He brought his mouth up to my ear, and continued to utter flattery at me. He told me how pretty I was, how long he’d waited for this, how much he wanted to savour it; he was nipping and licking the top of my ear between every utterance. I scratched my nails into his chest, reaching, begging for more.

Zenos’ nails raked down my thighs, thin smile gracing his lips as he made quick work of me with his mouth, wasting no time before the wave of pleasure crashed through my body. It had been over before it really begun.

Unlike Zenos, G’raha was taking his time, savouring each inch of my body before moving to the next. It was wonderful, the unrushed want, the soft whispers, the gentle kisses. I let myself play with his hair as he continued kisses down my bare stomach and slowly below my waist. I fell backwards onto my forearms and let my mind wander around the playground I wanted to soon make out of G’raha Tia.

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Annie’s face lay on Thancred’s bare chest, who was currently acting as the best and most absent-minded source of comfort Annie could ask for. His breasts were covered in patches of dried tears and spit, both of which had been a part of Annie’s instinctual reactions to the events of the day. It had taken everything in them not to include vomit in that mix. The hyur had escorted Annie swiftly up to their room in The Baldesion Annex upon the Scions’ return to Sharlayan. It had been hours at this point that the pair had spent unmoving in these positions, and the moon had already cast a blue glow on the statue of Thaliak overlooking the pier.

Annie felt like a husk of the Warrior of Light they’d been masquerading as just mere hours ago. They didn’t even recognize themself. Wasn’t that the point of it all, they thought. Wasn’t that how you were supposed to maintain your sense of self, by letting yourself loose inside it all? Gods, their victory parade earlier had been Annie’s worst nightmare after the ordeal of The Final Days. Like, Tataru had meant well, but her overabundance of cheer had been abrasive to the whirlwind that had made up Annie’s thoughts. None of their fellow Scions were capable of empathizing with them to this degree; none of them had experienced a fraction of what Annie had, nor knew them well enough for that not to matter. They didn’t talk about that sorta thing, the challenges of their positions in the world. Thancred offered, and they took him up on it occasionally, but even thinking about uttering some of these thoughts out loud was too much to bear.

“You shine so bright!” That’s what someone from the crowds in Sharlayan had called in Annie’s direction. If only they knew that the ‘shine’ of their scales was burning into their flesh every second of every day. If only they knew that they’d never had time to properly adapt to the state of their left eye, and they’d traversed the towers Zot and Babil completely blind on that side. If only they heard the desperate prayers they uttered when the moon was out. If only they knew what Annie would give to run, to pick somewhere and just run, until their legs couldn’t carry them any further. What they’d give to abandon it, all of it.

Annie blinked it away as they took deep beaths to remain in the present. There was nowhere else they’d rather be right now than here with Thancred, the only person who came close to being able to share Annie’s burdens with them. “You don’t have to answer just ‘cause they ask you.” That was what Thancred had told them before departing the Ragnarok. And they knew that, but being revered by the peoples of two entire worlds was heavy on a person. You should find another guiding light, Annie thought to all of them. But it was no use. They were too far in to the whole Warrior of Light facade to leave the worlds without it. And they wouldn’t want to, they didn’t think. Even after all of it.

Eventually, they allowed the steady undulation of Thancred’s chest, the way his fingers mindlessly danced around their curls, to lull them into a safe slumber.

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@taylorswift's Dear Reader is a song I've come to closely associate with my Warrior of Light. I littered this piece with some of my favorite and most closely-related lyrics from it, but of course I wasn't able to get them all.

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I bit back a sob against my hand as pain flooded through my body like a tidal wave. It seared into every inch of my skin. I could barely stand, hunched over, cane loose in my grip as I held it to my side. I stared at him through already-teary eyes as he lay barely breathing on the floor. He was covered in blood, some pouring out of his mouth and pooling onto the ground beneath him. My own blood was rolling in rivulets down my arms.

Him beginning to speak only fractured my heart into more unrecoverable pieces. “That I should lose to you again,” he let out with a chuckle, wincing with each laugh he let escape, “How disappointing.” I bit back the tears begging to fall silently down my cheeks. “But that it was you sends a thrill to my heart.” I winced as he said it, because I knew he meant it. I didn’t ask for this, I thought.

I loved him. I really, really did. But my love for him didn’t erase the terrors he’d inflicted upon Lyse and her people. It didn’t undo the crimes he’d committed against Yugiri and Gosetsu and the peoples of Doma. It didn’t reverse the years of tyrannical regime the citizens of Garlemald would forever be recovering from. The duality of this man had been almost all that fueled my thoughts since I’d met him. And yet, when it was him and I alone in a room together… I was almost able to forget it all.

“What of you, my mirror?” he asked, meeting my gaze this time. I could only muster up a pitiful, child-like look of apology, but he simply returned it with as much of a grin as he could bear. He knew me too well by now, because what he said next seemed to be straight out of my thoughts. “Was this life a gift, or a burden?” He said it sweetly as he reached his free hand in my direction. A single sob escaped my lips. I knew that if I let him keep talking, I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to stop him. I lifted my cane with shaky hands, and released one final blow to his head. I let out a wail as I allowed my cane to clatter to the floor. I was already stumbling, then crawling, to his side.

Only when I was sure he was dead did I let myself cry. The sobs came hysterically. I cried for myself. I then cried for the victims from Ala Mhigo and Doma. And the citizens of Garlemald. And I cried for Zenos, too.

I pressed a sloppy, wet kiss against his bloodied lips, letting my continued tears fall against his face. “I love you,” I whispered against them. I rolled over onto my back next to him, allowing my head to rest on his arm for the final time.

I was laying next to him, barely still conscious, when I heard the grating beeping begin next to me. I could let myself die here with him, I thought. But my mind flashed with memories of my friends. G’raha. Then with Zenos’ victims, and the people I’d saved. The people of The First. It took the last of my strength to do so, but I reached my arm over, allowing my fingertips to brush gently atop the surface of the device.

And that was the last I would see of Zenos yae Galvus.

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Inspired by @taylorswift's Sad Beautiful Tragic, I felt the song entirely encapsulated what is my wolzenos ship, and the duality I've hoped to successfully convey in writing about them. From "in dreams / I meet you in warm conversation" to "and you've got your demons / and darlin' they all look like me" to "distance, timing, breakdown, fighting" to the titular lyric serving as this piece's title, the song serves as a beautiful anthem for Ruusu and Zenos' relationship.

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Rai watched the miqo’te from the shadows, examining her walking pattern so that she could best execute the plan at hand. It was the weekend, and Hawkers’ Alley was always busy enough on the weekend to distract from Rairakku’s nefarious shenanigans. All she had to do was undetectably slice the rope holding the coin purse to the miqo’te’s waist and make her great escape.

She didn’t do it for fun. It’s not that she got inherent joy out of illegally thieving money and materials for survival. Rai was still only a teen. But her parents had fled from Doma with barely more than the skin on their backs, and they didn’t know enough Eorzean to manage to acquire steady jobs. They did what they could, certainly, but Rairakku had been forced into various criminal streams of income simply to keep clothes on their backs and food on the table.

She counted the steps as the red-haired miqo’te drew closer. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, NOW!

Rai slunk close to the ground, using her knife to seamlessly cut the coin purse free and slide it into her hand. She was a pro at this, naturally. She continued along her planned route, casually making her escape through the markets until a giant weight crashed into her side. Next she realized, she was pinned to the floor of Hawkers’ Alley by a man twice her size, and a woman’s voice was calling out from across the alley, “We got ‘er now, Jacke.” The man smirked down at Rai and the red-haired miqo’te from before pried the coin purse back out of her wrist. She took Rai’s knife and slammed it down into the stone between Rai’s fingers, narrowly missing skin. “Been tryin’ t’ catch you, pretty thing, ‘or weeks, now,” the miqo’te said snarkily into Rai’s ear. The Au Ra felt paralyzed; she was frozen with shock. What should she do? This man was at least two times her weight, and she was clearly outnumbered. She squirmed awkwardly beneath the man’s, apparently Jacke’s, grip, not in an attempt to escape, simply out of discomfort. He spit at a spot on the floor above her head before flipping her onto her stomach and tying Rai’s hands behind her back. Rai let out a quiet, whimpered, “Please,” as the pair began to drag Rairakku publicly through the streets of Limsa Lominsa.

Rai was too discombobulated to take note of where they were taking her. She allowed her head to fall limp and began muttering weak prayers to the kami for help. When she next came back to herself, she was tied against a wooden chair in a strange room with Jacke and the miqo’te in front of her. “Kebbe, yous want t’ do the ‘onors?” A smirk flashed over the miqo’te’s face as she kicked the chair clean across the room, provoking a startled yelp out of Rai, then crouching forward to become eye-level with the Au Ra. ”We’s don’t ‘olerate this ‘evel o’ delinquency, kid,” she slurred. She pressed a dagger lengthwise against Rai’s neck. Rai felt the lump in her throat multiply, and tears rushed to her eyes. She wasn’t used to looking weak in front of people. She felt her lip quiver in fear as tears began streaming down her face. The pair of rogue’s must have felt pity towards her, because the miqo’te slid the dagger round to the back of the chair and, in a fluid motion, sliced through Rai’s hair. The Au Ra gasped, attempting to reach up and grasp the strands she had left. Her lavender hair had been cut to shoulder-length, and was feathered and choppy at the ends. Jacke must have gestured to the miqo’te, because soon she was handing him a pair of daggers. And soon after that, he was squatting in front of Rai. ”Join us ‘ere in the rogue’s guild, lass, and we’ll f’rgive yer debts,” he smirked, this time like a friend, holding the handles of the daggers out to her. Rai weighed her options, and it didn’t take her long to sniff back her tears and take her new pair of daggers in hand.

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I laid my forearms over the railing, aching pain shuddering through the length of my body. My room in The Pendants has served me well during my time here, thought it hasn’t seen much use. Time spent here meant time spent thinking, and I was better off the less thinking I was doing. Because thinking came in only two varieties for me: hating myself, or wishing they were here. It was the latter, most of the time, though the former still clouded my thoughts often. Gods, it had been three, nay, four years since I’d been unnaturally ripped from my reality and crash-landing into another. The Crystal Exarch was trying his best, and I knew that, but he’d still only managed to pull three of us Scions, none of which being the Warrior of Light. I couldn’t even bear to spend most of my days with Urianger nor Y’shtola; they only served as reminders that they weren’t here.

That had been the worst part of this whole endeavor. Not the searing light in the sky, not the gruesome days spent tirelessly working to keep this world intact, not the thousands of encroaching sineaters multiplying by the day. No, it was every second that passed without the Warrior of Light at my side, in my room, in my bed. It was having spent over a thousand days without hearing their voice, noticing their ticks, without feeling their touch. I spent every day praying, not for the good of this world, not for the good of my world, but for myself, that it would be the day The Crystal Exarch succeeded. Praying that it would be the day I got to feel Annie’s lips on mine again.

Until that day, I spent my evenings here in The Crystarium like this, idling over my balcony and mindlessly examining the passing citizens in the Musica Universalis Markets. You’d think that by spending my days practicing espionage, people watching wouldn’t be something I enjoyed. But, against all odds, it soothed me; it gave my thoughts something to focus on, preventing the unwanted ones from returning from the shadows. Tonight, the markets were busier than usual. Perhaps it was earlier in the evening than I typically found myself out here? With the glaring light in the night sky, it was hard to tell time as precisely as on The Source. No matter the reason, the place was littered with activity. There were families returning leisurely to their homes, the children running amuck through the streets. There were couples staring longingly into the other’s eyes, flirtations being thrown and kisses being shared. But on the other side of the market, the side furthest from The Pendants, that’s where I saw them. And once I did, my head couldn’t stop spinning.

A black-scaled Au Ra, or Drahn, as they were called in The First, tail swishing back and forth, walking away from the markets. The curly, jet black hair sent memories of sleepless nights and fingers tangled in that very head of hair. I’d spent years praying for this day, but as I was turning to clamber into shoes and fling myself out the door, that’s when they turned around.

It was as if someone had called her name from across the markets, the way she turned her attention roughly in my direction. And this time, I could see her face. She was strikingly similar to the Xaela I’d spent my nights with back home, but it certainly wasn’t them. Her face was longer and more slender, let alone the piercing blue of her eyes. My face felt cold as it turned pale. I felt as though I’d just seen a ghost. I might as well have just seen a ghost.

“Fuck!” I yelled, slamming my hands atop the railing, and startling a couple that had been blissfully unaware of their surroundings on a bench below. I whirled back into my room, grabbed my coat, and stormed out the doors. I didn’t know where I was going. All I knew was I needed to be somewhere that would quiet the thoughts.

⋆ ★ ⋆

Annie smoothed their dress as they descended the stairs into The Forgotten Knight. Their breath caught as they went to round the corner into the main chamber, and they made sure to make one last effort to fix their untamed curls. They made quick work to scan the room for the man they were looking for, and if they weren’t nervous before, they certainly were now. He was hot, and they knew he was hot, but, seeing him made up, sitting across the room, waiting for them? Gods, they were swooning. They watched his eyes widen as they glazed over their body, and a small smile unknowingly crept across his face.

They crossed the room towards him, and choked out a croaked, “Hi.” ”Hi, soldier.” They’d heard the word in his mouth before, but something about it felt different tonight.

Annie slipped into the chair across from him, eyes falling to the already-present espresso martini sat on the table. A weak, “Thank you,” escaped their lips, and Thancred responded with a soft nod as he took a sip of his scotch. They weren’t used to this, him being soft and gentle. They were used to the rugged, crass Thancred that was brought to the group. And he was definitely still rugged, devilishly so, but much less crass. Thancred allowed himself to swirl the drink around in his glass, taking in Annie’s features across the table. Their eyelids were glazed with glitter and their lips were stained a deep shade of scarlet. And their dress, fuck. It hugged them in all the right places, and the slits on each side cut so high up Thancred wasn’t sure if he should be looking. He wasn’t used to the dressed up version of the Warrior of Light, he’d only ever seen them don casual garments and their sets of armor. But he liked it, he really liked it.

“Thank you for letting me do this,” Thancred said. “Take you out, I mean.” Annie was overcame with a hot flush across their cheeks, before replying sweetly, “Thank you for asking.” The pair allowed the awkward silence to dwindle; they didn’t know how to do this. Neither of them were date people. Thancred Waters didn’t date, he fucked. And the Warrior of Light definitely didn’t have the time in their schedule for dates. And yet, they were both here. “I was kind of hoping you would,” Annie added. ”Ask to take you out?” Thancred asked, a lump forming in the back of this throat. ”Yeah, kind of,” they replied flirtatiously, beginning to suck on the inside of their cheek. ”Well, good.” He leaned his weight forward over the table, taking Annie’s hand in his, a grin spreading across his face. He placed his face close to theirs. “Did I tell you you’re absolutely ravishing tonight?” he smirked. If Annie wasn’t already blushing, they definitely were now. They responded with the softest “Thank you,” they could muster, before continuing, braver this time, “You look quite handsome yourself, Thancred. You should get done up more often.” They took the opportunity to sip on their drink. ”Only for you, soldier,” he said, smile widening. He readjusted the collar on his button up, pulling it down slightly as he kept his gaze fixed firmly on the lady in front of him.

They allowed the conversation to blissfully be guided by the mood in the room, and they soon found their natural rhythm. The pair took care to walk the careful line between sarcastic banter and romantic flattery, drinking late into the evening before Thancred made the suggestion to take a stroll around the city.

Annie managed to work up the courage to take hold of Thancred’s bicep as they traversed around the varied levels of Ishgard. The pair walked arm in arm, continuing to converse softly between themselves as they examined the view. Thancred brought them to a slow as they approached a railing alongside one of the bridges. He spun Annie around to face him, taking their hands delicately in his. “Thank you for the lovely night, soldier. I’d love to see you again,” he prompted. ”Yeah?” they responded cheekily. They reached their thumb up to wipe a soft fleck of soft snow off his pinked cheek, and then allowed it to linger on the side of his face. The man smiled knowingly, allowing his own hand to drift up their arm and rest on their neck. The pair gazed expectantly into each other’s eyes before Thancred closed the gap. He oh-so gently brushed his lips against the surface of theirs as Annie allowed their mouth to fall open for him. His stomach unfurled the wave of desire as heat rushed through his system, his free hand sliding up to brush across the top of the slit at their hip. Annie’s mind began turning as they lost sense of their surroundings, and the only thing they could focus on was the man before them. Their breaths feathered across each other’s faces for the first time, and it only turned the pair on more. They kept the kiss delicate as they each found space to explore the other’s mouth. Thancred tested a nip to Annie’s lip, and they clearly enjoyed it, because the sound that whispered out of Annie’s mouth was divine. Thancred thanked them once again by deepening the kiss for a moment, before pulling back and allowing their gazes to meet. Annie was smiling softly. Thancred knew he was too.

⋆ ★ ⋆

⋆ ★ ⋆

I hadn’t left the room in days. I’d barely slept, only getting a few winks here or there before my anxieties jolted me awake again. I couldn’t bear to leave them, if I could help it; I had to make sure they were breathing, and that they wouldn’t wake up without me there. My head fell into my hands as I wiped sweat off my brow. “Fuck,” I muttered. This was a complete and utter shitshow.

I leaned forward and ran my hand through their hair. It still burned, but I was getting used to it. The white ends of their curls were still aglow with light. I don’t think it’ll ever grow again. I let my thumb trace along the edge of the scales on their face before my fingers were forced to retreat. I examined my hands; they were scarred and dappled with burns. I winced as I tested each one between my other fingers. Alphinaud had told me not to push my limits, but I didn’t care. He knew that. I pushed my limits for those I loved. I’d let Annie’s affliction melt my very soul if it meant they got to see another day. I didn’t care how many days it took, they would wake up; I refused to return to Yugiri and tell them that their lover had died. I leaned back in my chair, staring into the abyss that the ceiling had become.

Soup. Alisaie had brought me soup hours ago. I looked around the room desperately for the bowl she had left. I saw it once my vision steadied and grabbed it shakily. It was cold, of course, but that had never stopped me before. Gods, food tasted good. I allowed myself a few moments of respite; our efforts in The First had plateaued since Annie’s condition, obviously, so it wasn’t like they needed me.

I prayed to the Gods, any of them, all of them, that they’d be okay. I didn’t know how to be without them anymore; even for five years, the promise that they were safe back in The Source was enough for me. I returned the bowl to the desk where it had been left, and steadied myself once again on the patterned breathing of their chest.

⋆ ★ ⋆

It’s a feeling I don’t even know how to begin to describe. It really felt like I came back from the dead. I’d never see Ryne again. The thought flashed through my brain. I softly gasped in a breath of air as I began to hurriedly take in my surroundings. “Home,” I muttered. But as I began to take mental note of all of the Scions there, that’s when I saw her.

She was sat next to Lhili, of course, and though it had been more than five years since I last saw her, I still remembered every detail about her. The way her short, wavy bob that was feathered with pops of her classic red was frizzy because she hadn’t been sleeping. Her lips were stained with a days-old crimson color. The way her tattoos rounded out her body, and I couldn’t help but linger on the butterfly placed in the middle of her abdomen. And the way her ears subconsciously twitched when our gazes met. She lingered on my eyes for more than a few seconds before she snapped her gaze back to Lhili, and the two continued softly conversing.

I propped myself up properly, taking in another fresh breath. Banana was off to take care of business with G’raha, gods, the idiot. My brain hurt from the gravity of everything, and I was running through our mental checklist of things to do when I noticed her heading across the room in my direction.

“Hi,” she said. Her voice was soft and feathery. ”Hi.” The word got caught in my throat on the way out. Gods, I was stupidly, pathetically in love with her. She sat on the edge of my bed. Just like she had on Lhili’s, I told myself. Before I realized what she was doing, her fingers were brushing across the scar on my abdomen. I winced on contact; it was mostly healed by now, Banana and Lhili had made sure of that, but it was still tender and sensitive to the touch. I didn’t want her to stop touching it, but she pulled her hand back. “No, it’s fine. It’s mostly healed now,” I grunted, repositioning myself. She pressed a soft kiss from her fingertips to the top of it, and my heart simply swooned. I kept her there with idle chit-chat; I didn’t want to stop talking to her. The way her green eyes looked everywhere but my gaze, and how she fiddled with her hair to give her hands something to do. And whenever I threw something vaguely flirtatious her way, her ears would do a little dance atop her head, and her tail would start flitting back and forth. After a while, I stopped being able to contain myself, and simply allowed my hand to rest atop her thigh, and I know I felt her leg relaxed under my touch.

I tried to focus my mind the rest of the afternoon while we worked to reconvene the Scions’ efforts on The Source. I was always acutely aware of her, though. She was lingering with Lhili and G’raha the whole day, and I couldn’t help but keep staring at her. It was funny, the way our gazes never seemed to meet, but for parts of the day, I could feel her gaze searing into the back of my head. The mere thought always brought a small smirk to my face.

It was late that evening when I heard a tapping on my door. I was cleaning off my wounds again from my fight with Ran’jit. Banana and Lhili made sure to drill into me to take care of it, or they’d do it for me. And they knew how much I didn’t want to be dependent on them. It must be Banana checking in, I thought “Come in,” I called. Banana was not who opened my door.

I was more than surprised to see her there. I wanted to storm across the room and kiss the shit outta her right then and there, but I contained myself. Five years of desire remained pent up in my stomach. She was wearing a thin tank top and long pajama bottoms. I could see the waistband of her underwear peeking up above her fleece pants. Fuck. She was hot like this, in my room, I mean. Just seeing her here in my space, surrounded by my things. The sight of it sent visions of the future flashing through my brain, but I forced them away with a blink.

“Saffron,” I said calmly, “is aught the matter?” She’d only be here if something was, surely. ”No.” I returned my gaze to the rag in my hand and focused on cleaning my wounds. “I wanted-” she paused, “I wanted to see you.” I needed her to stop. She didn’t know what she was talking about, didn’t know what she was asking of me. Instead, I replied, “Yeah?” Stupid, stupid, stupid Thancred. Stop encouraging her. ”These last few months have been really hard.” ”It’s been longer than ‘a few months’ for me.” I replied without thinking about what I was saying. I didn’t meet her gaze, but watched as her ear twitched in confusion. She didn’t need to know that I’d spent the past five years of my life hopelessly pining after her from worlds away. But I knew what she wanted to know, she didn’t have to ask. “Five years.” I didn’t know if she knew how long some of us were in The First for, that even her own sister spent two years away from this world, but clearly she didn’t, because her face was washed over with surprise. I don’t even think I noticed the rag fall out of my hand and into the bucket on the floor. She sucked the skin on her inner cheek, thinking. ”Thancred Waters hasn’t been with a woman in five years?” she teased, trying to lighten the mood, or flirt, I wasn’t sure. Gods be damned, I couldn’t do this, though. Why did she have to be like this? But with her here, in my room, I couldn’t lie to her. ”I haven’t even looked at a woman since I started loving you, Saffron.” Fuck. I watched her face buffer in real time. And then she was stepping between my thighs. Fuck, again. I finally allowed myself to look into her eyes. Her gaze was soft. She examined me for a moment before her thumb started tracing over my lips, and I felt powerless to stop her. I forced the croak of her name out of my throat. “Saffron.” I forced her hand gently into mine and dragged it down and away from my face. “You don’t want this,” I told her. I sure did. ”Why not?” she pressed. She was testing my patience, and she knew it. ”Because you mean more to me than I think you know.” ”What’s that supposed to mean?” she shot back rapidly. I could tell she was trying to seem stoic, but she was a fool to think I wouldn’t notice the slight quiver in her lip, and the slight crack in her voice. I wasn’t planning on saying it outright. But when I looked into her eyes, something in them forced it out of me. ”I love you. I have loved you. And I haven’t even had you.” If she knew the extent to which that statement was true, the extent to which I’d wished for five years that G’raha would fail once again and pull her to my side. To wish that on her was low of me, and I know that, but it didn’t stop me from missing her every fucking day. All she could bring herself to say was, ”When?” ”Since the moment I first laid eyes on you. In Ishgard.” My world got turned upside down that day. It felt like I didn’t start living until then. Everything that had happened prior, all the shit with Lahabrea, it was all worth it, because it led us to that moment. “But you were grieving. The last thing you needed was some self-loathing fuck-up to try and insert himself into the equation.” I didn’t trust myself to handle my own sense of self, and I wasn’t about to force that onto another person, least of all, her. “So I’ve loved you from afar.”

She leaned forward, holding her lips just ilms away from mine. A frisson of delight passed through my body. I could feel her breath on my lips, could smell the sweat and wear from the day on it. “You don’t have to love me from afar.” My breath caught in the back of my throat, desire building like boiling water from deep inside. All I had to do was lean forward, and instead, I mustered up a weak, ”You’ve still only just lost someone, Saffron.” ”I lost you too,” she spat back. I blinked. The idea that Saffron had, in only a few months, felt a fraction of the want and desire I had while I was away was a thought I never let grace my brain. The thought of that was far too hopeful for someone like me. But tonight, here she is, sitting ilms away from my face, in my inn room.

My head was spinning, eyes full of stars, but before I could reach for her to focus myself, her lips were against mine. I parted my own hurriedly to meet hers. I wanted to savour this moment forever and ever. Her lips were soft and delicate as opposed to the starving roar that was the rest of her. I reached my hands to her waist, my thumbs brushing against that butterfly I loved on the front of her torso, to steady her as I let my tongue trace against her bottom lip. She let out an instinctual purr of delight and pulled away to meet my gaze. I couldn’t help but grin at her.

“I love you, too, Thancred,” she whispered against my lips, and I pulled her closer, wasting no time in allowing myself to taste every piece of her this time. My tongue continued to tease against hers until she moved her mouth down my face, and started nibbling at the mark on my neck. I moaned in satisfaction, and she must have liked that, because she started biting with a smile, and pressing soft kisses in between. Gods, I could do this, just this, for the rest of my life.

⋆ ★ ⋆

⋆ ★ ⋆

I felt the warmth return to Lhili’s body as the light from the vessels filled the room. Soon enough, the Scions’ bodies were filled with life again. Banana and Krile verified Lhili’s vitals as I sat observant at the foot of the bed, and Banana gave me a small smile and brush across the leg as she moved along to verify the status on Y’shtola beside us. I flung my arms around Lhili’s now-vertical body, provoking a startled purr out of the miqo’te. "Thank the gods you’re home,” I blubbered into her hair.

Lhili and I exchanged simple pleasantries as the Warrior of Light, Krile, and Tataru worked to return the Scions to their former glory. She told me some stories of what had happened in The First, granted, she didn’t know many of the gritty details, as she spent most of her time assisting the healers in Crystarium. Without noticing it, my gaze had fallen to Thancred across the room. I watched him frantically scan aimlessly around when he awoke, until his eyes settled on mine. I allowed myself to hold his gaze for longer than I meant to, because by the time I broke his gaze, his mouth had already fallen slightly agape. I shook my attention back to Lhili, who could only manage to smile coyly and shoot Thancred a glance of her own.

“Go,” she said, nodding her head in his direction. I shook my own, gripping her hand. “Saffron,” she looked at me with a look I know I’d given her many a time: my quintessential older sister face. I watched her eyes flit and give a smile to the ginger miqo’te that had recently entered the room. I gave her a cheeky ‘hmm’ in response, eliciting a frantic flush out of Lhili’s face. I planted a kiss atop her messy hair before moving to Thancred.

It took me a moment to get the words out. “Hi,” I almost-whispered with a smile. “Hi.” His linen undershirt was unbuttoned, and I couldn’t help but notice a large scar across his torso. I sat next to him on the edge of his bed, my fingertips instinctually brushing across the scar, prompting a wince from the hyur. I jerked my hand back, but he just shook his head. “No, it’s fine. It’s mostly healed now.” I softly kissed my fingertips, tapping them gently on top of his scar. If I’d been paying more attention, I swear to the gods I would have seen him smile. We spent the rest of the morning idly chatting, and at some point his hand had found itself atop my thigh.

The afternoon was spent attending to more work with the Scions. I mostly trailed behind Lhili and the ginger miqo’te, who I had come to learn was named G’raha. Thancred kept to himself, quiet and reserved, only doing what was asked of him.

It wasn’t until later that night that I found the courage to visit his room in Revenant’s Toll. I sharply inhaled as my knuckles brushed against the wood of the door. “Come in,” he called. He was sat next to the table, shirtless, cleaning the scar on his chest with a rag. He looked startled at my presence, but he swiftly returned to his impenetrable self. “Saffron,” he uttered briskly. “Is aught the matter?” “No.” I was fiddling with my hair. He returned to cleaning his scars, giving me little attention. “I wanted-” I had to take a breath. “I wanted to see you.” ”Yeah?” ”These last few months have been really hard.” ”It’s been longer than ‘a few months’ for me.” He still wouldn’t meet my gaze. I didn’t quite know what he’d meant. To think about what Lhili and Thancred, and the others, had endured so far away… But before I could even open my mouth to ask a question, he was speaking. “Five years.” He let the rag fall into the bucket of water at the floor. He was exhausted. ”Thancred Waters hasn’t been with a woman in five years?” I teased cheekily, stepping closer. I couldn’t allow myself to let my walls down with him. Once I did, there was no going back. ”I haven’t even looked at a woman since I started loving you, Saffron.”

That made me pause. I forced myself to stand between his legs, and only then did he raise his head to meet my eyes. I examined his face; he was roughened since I’d last seen him, but he was certainly the same Thancred I had known and unintentionally fallen in love with. He allowed my thumb to trace over his lips. They were soft. “Saffron.” I exude a vague hum of acknowledgement. He took my wrist and gently lowered it away from his face, clasping it into his own. “You don’t want this.” ”Why not?” I pressed. ”Because you mean more to me than I think you know.” ”What’s that supposed to mean?” I tried to keep my tone as even as possible, but it was still quivering. Why couldn’t he just let this be easy? Why couldn’t we be easy? ”I love you. I have loved you. And I haven’t even had you.” ”When?” ”Since the moment I first laid eyes on you. In Ishgard.” That also made me pause. “But you were grieving. The last thing you needed was some self-loathing fuck-up to try and insert himself into the equation.” He wasn’t wrong. My love had been promised to another before I reconnected with Lhili and met Thancred. But I’d lived a thousand lives since then. Yes, I still loved him, I would always still love him. But loving Thancred had been the godsdamn fight of my life ever since. And I wanted him, just like this, and more, for the rest of my life, forevermore. I went to speak, but he cut me off. “So I’ve loved you from afar.” I leaned forward, holding my lips only an ilm or two away from his. “You don’t have to love me from afar.” ”You’ve still only just lost someone, Saffron.” ”I lost you too.” That made him pause. I didn’t even know what I was saying until I’d finished the statement. I think it’s the first time he’s allowed himself to consider that maybe I loved him too. Maybe I’ve been waiting for him, too.

This time, he allowed me to press my lips to his. I let my palm find his archon mark as his rested neatly on my waist. The first touch of his lips lit a fire in the pit of my stomach; it felt like a blaze in the dark. We were rusty, tarnished, but it was so grand. It helped that it had been ages in the making. The kiss was everything all at once: tender, gentle, passionate, fiery. He let his tongue run across my lips, and that brought out a purr from my throat. I pulled my lips away, just slightly, and he was just beaming.

My ears twitched, and I couldn’t help but smile back at him. “I love you, too, Thancred.”

⋆ ★ ⋆