Miss Anne Thropy

I've realised that the reason why nothing is making me happy is because I subconsciously refuse to feel it.

Every time I've let myself feel happiness it turned out to be based on lies and bullshit, the reasons for my happiness were made up, so why feel it again, only to be destroyed by realisation of it all being fake.

With knowing everything that may one day hurt me.

I would rather know the brutal truth than to have things sugar coated for me to 'protect me'.

Lies protect no one but yourself.

Lies don't ever make anything better.

Lies destroy beautiful things.

I wish more than anything to be just normal.

I hate spending most of my time arguing with myself inside my head and trying to hush the thoughts and feelings down.

I hate that I can't answer him when he asks me what is wrong. But its like there is an invisible hand over my mouth and a voice in my head that tells me I can not tell.

I hate that my mind takes me back to places I don't want to be. Places and times I want to forget, but I can't because they are a part of me and I know they will always be there.

I hate the feeling that if I say the wrong thing it will make things so much worse, and so I say nothing. I hate it. I hate that he gets frustrated with me, and I can't make it better, and though I want to, I really just want to be honest I CAN NOT. I hate that I make things worse by trying not to make things worse, because my stupid mind tells me that's what I have to do.

I hate living in my head.

I hate the suffocating thoughts.

I hate the suffocating memories.

Not worth that thought.

Not worth it.

I don't know who or what I am anymore.

I don't know what I'm doing.

He is my everything. My world.

I know he will never know what it's like to live in my head, riddled with anxiety and self doubt every step of the way.

So when he says something mean, but as a joke, as much as I would love to brush it off because I UNDERSTAND it's a joke, I keep a part of what he said and carry it with me.

And it grows. It evolves. It nags at me. It whispers in my ear.

I dont think he understands the power he has.

Don't be so you.

Don't love me so hard.

Don't show me so much love.

Don't show me what I mean to you so much.

I said

It didn't pull me down into pits of sadness and despair.

I woke up today and felt like I could breathe.

Sometimes I look at him and I feel like my heart is going to burst.

I could never put in words how much I need and love him.

Just like I could never put in words how much it hurts when he tells a lie.

It's like you're given it at birth and then life just nibbles at it as you get older.

And when you meet 'the one' you get this brand new trust.

And then things just nibble at that trust too...

Trusting them, trusting in them, trusting yourself...

And social media.

Both give you a place to be you.

Some days air seems easier to breathe and the weight inside seems manageable.

These days are few and in-between.

How much work, compromise and forgiveness in a relationship is too much. Is it ever enough. Does it ever end. Does it ever stop.

Do you ever wake up and think, finally, j don't have to work so hard for my happiness, I can just enjoy it.

Does it ever happen?

Against my better judgement I wanted to give him anything and everything. Against my better judgement I knew I would love him until the end. I knew it wasn't going to be a happy ever after I believed in as a child.

Letting go of him the first time was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And so I didn't let go. For 6 years I held on to every memory. Every kiss. Every stab of pain when I realised I was alone in it. But still, I held on. I'd often wonder what things would be like if I had tried, again. Given another chance. Swallowed my pride and self respect one more time.

I often wondered what I'd feel if I was to see him again.

Would my heart race like it did that first time and every time after.

Would I feel nothing?

And then I did. See him.

And it was like no time had passed. Like time stood completely still for 6 years.